Question for group - Son was kicked out on Friday

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BKS, Oct 15, 2012.

  1. BKS

    BKS New Member

    This is a new question for the group. My son (who we kicked out on Friday) has phoned and wants to meet me at the rehab facility where he dropped treatment - saying he needs me to review the legalese info in his withdrawal paperwork. My husband and I firmly believe this is a ploy for him to ask me for money. I had spoken to the rehab center on Friday and the woman said that if a person does not attend, they are dropped from the program automatically.

    He has broken my heart and devastated me with insults and hurtful comments about every perceived misdeed that I might have made in his childhood. If fact, he said I never spent time with him - that I "money" him - not "love" him.

    I honestly don't see our relationship ever mending. He is so hell bent on putting himself in the martyr role.

    Does anyone else ever question whether their relationship with there
    difficult child
    (george foreman grill) will ever be anything close to loving and trusting again?

    I am just so dispirited. And I had asked him to call me this evening to give me info so I can put his car in his name.


    Read more:
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome also from me!

    Unfortunately I believe you are dead on when it comes to your son's plans. He is likely trying to guilt you into giving money or letting him back. You turned his life upside down at Friday and he is likely desperately trying to get back to status quo. However you need to stay firm. Your decision to kick him out was best for you and for him in this point and he needs to start figuring things out. But of course first he tries to get money from you, because that would be the easiest thing for him. If you can, try to take it (in your own mind) like when he was three and wanted candy before supper. He wants what he wants what he wants and tries everything to get it. But you would do him disservice to give it to you.

    My George Foreman Grill can also throw in dramaqueenish and martyrish acts like no ones business. But he is getting over the part there he blames everyone and everything else for his problems. At least most of the time. I'm sure there is hope also for your son. Mine turned nineteen this summer and to be honest, he is still very immature and childish even after living on his own closer to two years now and currently working hard to grow up and get over his troubles.

    My difficult child has always been a difficult child and what he did right before leaving home upset us a lot and I had very hard time liking him or even wanting to talk with him at the time. He was still under-aged at that time so we just couldn't wash our hands from him completely. If you had asked me then how I see my relationship with him in the future, I would have anticipated much bleaker prospects than how things have turned out for now at least. Yes, I'm still on eggshells with him (he is having all kinds of issues and I'm always afraid when other shoe will drop) and there are times when I'm not too fond with his behaviour, but still our relationship is closer and warmer than it has been in maybe ten years.

    You would be wise to toughen yourself up to hard times with your son. It is very possible he will be very unpleasant for you for some time. Try to guilt you and manipulate you. But don't loose hope. Yours, like mine, is still very, very young. Still officially a teen. Keep that in mind. He has all the time on the world to get over himself and begin to take responsibility of his actions. Yes, there are those who never will, but when we are talking about 19-year-old prospects of that happening are still looking good.

    Hugs, SuZir
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    My daughter has said all kinds of terrible things to me about childhood events, my character, whatever. The truth is if our behavior had that big of an impact on them then they would be very different people because most of us were caring, involved parents 99% of the time. I'm pretty sure the few times we lost our tempers or did stupid things did not cause the significant damage our difficult children would love to portray. I look at my relationship with my daughter as ever-evolving and I have no idea where we will end up. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. When she was young we were extremely close. As an adult, there have been times when I have been completely out of contact with her. It is a daily struggle. If you haven't found the stuff on detachment yet, you definitely need to. I work on that every day, but I'm so much better than I used to be.

    Your son is probably trying to con you out of money. He is freaked out completely right now. Be prepared- he WILL up the ante. Nearly all of these kids do. When the rug is finally pulled out from under them and we no longer buy into their cons they will try anything to get you to give them what they want. As an adult my daughter has thrown temper tantrums that would give a toddler a run for his money. She has told people all kinds of lies about me. She has told me all kinds of horrible stories like how she's starving and freezing, etc. I have seen parents on here whose kids have threatened suicide. The best advice in that case is to call the police. Knowing that it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better will help prepare you. You must focus on yourself and keep busy. When my daughter has been at her craziest I have run myself ragged so that I will fall in bed and sleep for at least a few hours. I work full time and teach at the local university. I have 2 dogs to whom I am devoted and I hike with them every single day, no matter what. I have become vegan and gotten active in animal rights. No matter what is going on with my daughter I keep all my stuff as my first priority. So whether she's in or out of my life I have a full, busy life. Some days are harder than others (especially when I'm worrying about my granddaughter) but I never stop focusing on being healthy and relatively sane. People on here understand what you are going through like nobody else does, so jump on here when you are losing it. Unless someone has been there with these crazy adult kids they have no idea of the hell we live in every day. Keep your head up, focus on you and do something nice for yourself. I have been known to shut off my phones when she just keeps calling and screaming- you may want to consider doing the same. Hang in there!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Okay, here are my thoughts. Your son was at a rehab center and he got dropped from there because he didnt attend but he wants you to go over the legalese? BS. He can read. Im sure the center explained it to him very well. You are dead on that he wants to get you in his eyesight because he figures you will cave and want him home. It is so hard for mom's to stand strong. Anyway to send Dad? Dad's are usually stronger at this, especially with boys.
  5. BKS

    BKS New Member

    Thanks Dammit Janet.

    My husband concurred and he is dealing with our son. We talked to the people in the rehab center who said there wasn't any paperwork that our son needed to complete. Just a ploy. He is so rude and ugly to me but then tries to trick me into meeting with him. Go figure.
  6. BKS

    BKS New Member

    Hi Elizabrary,

    Many thanks for your long and thoughtful response. I read it on my lunch break at work when I was really feeling low and it made me feels lots better. It is very helpful to know as well that worse is to come. <<sigh>>

    One of the things my son did on Friday as he packed his things was to play a pop song with the refrain "I'm gonna die young" several times. At one point he asked me if I ever went 24 hours without eating and was tempted to steal food. I told him no and he said "he" had. I then said (blandly) that perhaps in the future he should do better in meal planning. The family therapist has told my husband and me to be as 'bland' as possible when interacting with our son - hoping that he will start to face himself. I am realizing as well that inciting arguments and conflicts are almost like doing drugs for him - it keeps him from feeling his feelings.

    Thank you again,
  7. BKS

    BKS New Member


    Thanks for the hopeful comments. I am glad things are working out for your difficult child. My husband was heartened by your comments as well - believing there is hope. Right now I can't imagine liking my son again.

    I don't know what the future holds but I guess none of us do. I was in a support group last thursday with a couple who were angry at their son who had received a full college scholarship, graduated with honors, and is now abusing Oxycontin to maintain stellar sales records at the company where he works. My fear is that my son has no past successes to fall back upon - he has had such a history of doing everything half-ass - including his recent attempt at rehab. I suppose that is a part of his ADHD...

    Thank you again,