Question for other PE'rs

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ML, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    Does anyone think I'm wrong to insist upon SS moving out? I really want to know because I trust everyone's opinion here in this forum. I'm not saying that I'm going to change my feelings but I am open to hearing thoughts outside of my belief system to sort of challenge it if you know what I mean.

    Thanks in advance. ML
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont think you are wrong. From what I can understand of the situation, he is perfectly capable of fending for himself and as such, he should. Allowing him to remain is actually detrimental to him so it is time for him to move on. You have given him ample notice and ample time to be there.

    Time for him to man up.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    ML, if I was asking this same question it's my guess that you would give me this advice:

  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    If the situation is unbearable then something has to change. If moving difficult child out is the only way things will change, then that is what has to be done. -RM
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    Thanks. I'm just having a case of the guilts. He's actually moving boxes to his car. We're in shock. Of course husband and I both feel terrible. Manster took it well. He told J "don't let us hold you back, it's time to move on" Kind of unexpected.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    He will have a roof over his head. He has money in the bank to last him until he starts working again. You gave him ample warning and all of you are following through.

    This is a day to feel proud of yourself, your husband and your SS. You ALL did good. :bravo:

  7. ML

    ML Guest

    You're right Suz, SS deserves respect and acknowledgement for taking this big step. I will make sure to let him know we're proud of him.

    Love and thanks, ML
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Honey, you've absolutely no reason for a case of the guilts. You've bent over backward for this kid. Time for him to man up and learn to make it on his own. He can do it, he just needs the motivation to do it. And living there isn't giving him that motivation....obviously.

  9. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Another vote for him to move out and on. It hurts but it's necessary. I hope he thanks you one day.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Chin up, girl. It is his time.
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    These feelings you are feeling are normal. Remember, you have thought about this long and hard. Plus, you sought the advice of a professional to double check yourself. I do believe you have done an excellent job in this very difficult situation. Sure, it tugs at your heart to watch your SS move out and also to know that your husband struggles with it all. But hold fast to what you know to be true. Stay the course and continue to talk with- your spouse and to get professional input. Keep your eye on the prize. What are your goals? To have a healthy marriage, to care for your younger son, to build a nest egg, to help your older son mature...etc. You have good reasons for this difficult decision. It is hard for your SS, but that is okay. He will figure it all out. He is not with-o resources. If you are willing and able and it is appropriate, you might consider offering him (or continuing to offer him) certain services like medical and/or psychological care for a period of time. I agree, let him know that you are proud of him and confident that he will do a good job on his own. But he will go no where sitting in your basement and it hasn't seem to be a good thing for you either. Again, keep your eye on the prize, continue to seek input from the professionals, and understand that these 'pangs' of discomfort you are feeling are normal and temporary. Nurture yourself and your relationship with your husband. Hang in there.
    Lasted edited by : Feb 1, 2010
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Nomad, you said that very well.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    So how's it been in the ML house?

    Have you remodeled SS room yet?

    Sending hugs & support. :D
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    Thank you Nomad. That really was well said.

    Well he's gone. He wouldn't tell us where he went and won't pick up his dad's calls. I told husband to expect him to be angry at us for a while but it's hard for him. I plan to get him a nice gift for Valentine's Day with a card telling him how proud we are of him and that our motives were out of love. I don't know if he will believe that for a while. Things got kind of tense for a while, I got witchy and didn't come from my best self there for a while lol and he overheard some things I meant for husband's ears only.

    It's been helpful that husband has increased his AA meetings lately. Mostly because he's helping someone else but it helps him too.

    Right now I plan to try and detach from husband's process of grief and letting go. I can't make this warm, fuzzy and okay for him. His son may play the guilt card for a long time but I must stay out of it and let them (hopefully) come to healthy place in their relationship. I'm very glad I see the therapist tomorrow!

    Thanks for all the great words of support. I love you guys.

  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    ML, this is the correct mindset. You are dead-on. Perfect!

  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im glad things went fairly well and that he left. I think it is to be expected that he would give the cold shoulder because he fell into that "teen" roll for a bit while there. He should come around quickly as he becomes more adult out on his own. Lets hope! LOL.

    Hugs to you guys.
  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Trust me on this, I lived it. difficult child was perfectly happy living in your home, not trying to fix his life, but getting out of changing , and making it better, Sometimes difficult child's only learn by being in a unpleasant situation and then, only then, do they realize it's up to them to make a change. He does have some start-up money. He's not wandering the streets. You're helping him more than you know. I know it hurts, but I also lived this and know he's on the right path to change his life and have a good one, one he can be proud of.-Alyssa