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Question For Those Further Down the Path Than Me
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 709094" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>I've been dealing with my son for close to 25 years now. Time definitely helps our coping skills become more fine tuned.</p><p>The key for me is to never let my guard down and to keep the boundaries firmly in place.</p><p>Self talk is a great tool, I'm glad you are doing that.</p><p></p><p>Echo is spot on with this. Something about writing it down helps to cement it in your mind.</p><p></p><p>My son was arrested at the end of November. I have received some letters from him and he is very good at telling me "what I want to hear" or at least what he thinks I want to hear. I'll be honest there was a time that it worked and I believed him, not anymore.</p><p>Our adult kids are very good at spinning the "truth" and telling us all the right things. This can be dangerous waters. If I were to believe everything my son tells me I would easily be sucked back into his chaos and drama.</p><p>I keep my letters to him pretty generic. I do not offer a lot of details about what goes on in my life. I never tell him about the travels my husband and I do. Learned that lesson years ago when he was in jail a different time. His response was "how dare you go off on a trip while I rot in jail" At the time, this really messed with my mind. I allowed his words to make me feel so guilty. I had nothing to feel guilty about.</p><p>I cannot trust my son. It's a sad reality but it keeps me and my mental health safe.</p><p></p><p>I will always have some hope that "someday" my son and I might have a closer relationship but in order for that to happen he will need to show through his actions, not words, that he has made changes to his life.</p><p></p><p>I will continue to live my life and do what makes me happy and will never allow the FOG (fear, obligation,guilt) to creep back in.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 709094, member: 18516"] I've been dealing with my son for close to 25 years now. Time definitely helps our coping skills become more fine tuned. The key for me is to never let my guard down and to keep the boundaries firmly in place. Self talk is a great tool, I'm glad you are doing that. Echo is spot on with this. Something about writing it down helps to cement it in your mind. My son was arrested at the end of November. I have received some letters from him and he is very good at telling me "what I want to hear" or at least what he thinks I want to hear. I'll be honest there was a time that it worked and I believed him, not anymore. Our adult kids are very good at spinning the "truth" and telling us all the right things. This can be dangerous waters. If I were to believe everything my son tells me I would easily be sucked back into his chaos and drama. I keep my letters to him pretty generic. I do not offer a lot of details about what goes on in my life. I never tell him about the travels my husband and I do. Learned that lesson years ago when he was in jail a different time. His response was "how dare you go off on a trip while I rot in jail" At the time, this really messed with my mind. I allowed his words to make me feel so guilty. I had nothing to feel guilty about. I cannot trust my son. It's a sad reality but it keeps me and my mental health safe. I will always have some hope that "someday" my son and I might have a closer relationship but in order for that to happen he will need to show through his actions, not words, that he has made changes to his life. I will continue to live my life and do what makes me happy and will never allow the FOG (fear, obligation,guilt) to creep back in. [/QUOTE]
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