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Question For Those Further Down the Path Than Me
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709116" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think this is normal. Even the mothers here who most clearly express their limits, and acceptance of their children's limits...I feel certain wish for this in their dreams.</p><p>What kind of person would you be, if you did not? This is your child; your grandchildren.</p><p> There are two questions embedded here: one how can she be so mean to me? Then, why is she this way, what causes it?</p><p></p><p>The first, how can she do this: I think people are self-serving. Some more than others. People act to protect themselves, when they fear they have no defenses or boundaries. They act defensively to shield themselves from feeling bad, and bad about themselves. I was one of these people. I still am I think. For sure, my mother was this way and for sure my sister is.</p><p></p><p>I regret that I am this way, but looking back I think I did the best I could at the time. I suffer greatly because the person who has paid the biggest price is me. I fear your own daughter will suffer too, when she looks back.</p><p></p><p>In my own case I did not intend to be either mean or hurtful. I am not mean. But I did cause hurt.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is this: You have the choice of seeing your daughter as intentionally wanting to hurt you--or as protecting herself, because she is limited, and does not feel she has options. Maybe you can find some peace in this. By letting go the idea that she intends that you suffer. That you are hurt does not mean that she intended primarily to cause you hurt.</p><p></p><p>The second question, why? I am not mentally ill, at least with any serious diagnosis of which I am aware. I was certainly not spoiled rotten. But I distanced myself from my mother, my father and my sister. In each relationship I felt they hurt me. My father came to hate me in the last years of his life; my sister felt I withheld my love for no good reason; my mother (with whom I reconciled) to some extent understood my reasons but still could not face what she had done, that caused me to distance myself.</p><p></p><p>Even though I had my reasons, good ones, I wish I had found another way. But the bottom line is that I was not strong enough. I did not believe I had the resources to handle these relationships. While I could point to specific qualities (or lacks) in each of these people and relationships, looking back I see the lack was in me.</p><p></p><p>I wish that by telling you that it is not your fault, I could take away the hurt. But how could that take the pain away? The forgiveness and the acceptance will have to come from you (and me.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709116, member: 18958"] I think this is normal. Even the mothers here who most clearly express their limits, and acceptance of their children's limits...I feel certain wish for this in their dreams. What kind of person would you be, if you did not? This is your child; your grandchildren. There are two questions embedded here: one how can she be so mean to me? Then, why is she this way, what causes it? The first, how can she do this: I think people are self-serving. Some more than others. People act to protect themselves, when they fear they have no defenses or boundaries. They act defensively to shield themselves from feeling bad, and bad about themselves. I was one of these people. I still am I think. For sure, my mother was this way and for sure my sister is. I regret that I am this way, but looking back I think I did the best I could at the time. I suffer greatly because the person who has paid the biggest price is me. I fear your own daughter will suffer too, when she looks back. In my own case I did not intend to be either mean or hurtful. I am not mean. But I did cause hurt. But the thing is this: You have the choice of seeing your daughter as intentionally wanting to hurt you--or as protecting herself, because she is limited, and does not feel she has options. Maybe you can find some peace in this. By letting go the idea that she intends that you suffer. That you are hurt does not mean that she intended primarily to cause you hurt. The second question, why? I am not mentally ill, at least with any serious diagnosis of which I am aware. I was certainly not spoiled rotten. But I distanced myself from my mother, my father and my sister. In each relationship I felt they hurt me. My father came to hate me in the last years of his life; my sister felt I withheld my love for no good reason; my mother (with whom I reconciled) to some extent understood my reasons but still could not face what she had done, that caused me to distance myself. Even though I had my reasons, good ones, I wish I had found another way. But the bottom line is that I was not strong enough. I did not believe I had the resources to handle these relationships. While I could point to specific qualities (or lacks) in each of these people and relationships, looking back I see the lack was in me. I wish that by telling you that it is not your fault, I could take away the hurt. But how could that take the pain away? The forgiveness and the acceptance will have to come from you (and me.) [/QUOTE]
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