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Question For Those Further Down the Path Than Me
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709119" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I want you to try to hold onto this distinction, because it will make all of the difference to you. Also this:You have set a clear and appropriate boundary. You do not want to give more money. You do not want a relationship with her that is founded upon manipulation or even the whiff of buying love and care.</p><p></p><p>This stance you are taking is for EACH of you: she loves you. And to love herself she needs to step up and do the right thing for herself, for you and for her kids. Because she has chosen to stay in abusive relationships does not mean you are required to support her financially or bail her out.</p><p></p><p>You are doing right!</p><p></p><p>I think part of what is bothering you may be guilt. You feel somehow that you are responsible for her being mad or for her difficulty so far making better choices. This was the kind of relationship my mother had with my sister, who milked it for all it was worth.</p><p></p><p>At the end of my mother's life when my sister felt she had extracted all she could extract, and knew that she would inherit, she completely rejected my mother. This was devastating to my mother, as she died.</p><p></p><p>My point is this: my sister would have been better served by my mother's clarity that she would not accept bad behavior; and that she would not reward it either.</p><p></p><p>My mother's sense of guilt got in the way.</p><p></p><p>Your obligation as a mother, mine too, is to set examples by our own behavior. By setting boundaries you model strength and moral fiber to your daughter, so that one day she may find that in herself. You do it for yourself, primarily, to have self-respect and self-control. But you do it for her, and for your grandchildren too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709119, member: 18958"] I want you to try to hold onto this distinction, because it will make all of the difference to you. Also this:You have set a clear and appropriate boundary. You do not want to give more money. You do not want a relationship with her that is founded upon manipulation or even the whiff of buying love and care. This stance you are taking is for EACH of you: she loves you. And to love herself she needs to step up and do the right thing for herself, for you and for her kids. Because she has chosen to stay in abusive relationships does not mean you are required to support her financially or bail her out. You are doing right! I think part of what is bothering you may be guilt. You feel somehow that you are responsible for her being mad or for her difficulty so far making better choices. This was the kind of relationship my mother had with my sister, who milked it for all it was worth. At the end of my mother's life when my sister felt she had extracted all she could extract, and knew that she would inherit, she completely rejected my mother. This was devastating to my mother, as she died. My point is this: my sister would have been better served by my mother's clarity that she would not accept bad behavior; and that she would not reward it either. My mother's sense of guilt got in the way. Your obligation as a mother, mine too, is to set examples by our own behavior. By setting boundaries you model strength and moral fiber to your daughter, so that one day she may find that in herself. You do it for yourself, primarily, to have self-respect and self-control. But you do it for her, and for your grandchildren too. [/QUOTE]
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