question... what would you do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by missy44, Jun 12, 2009.

  1. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Well, it's been a little while. It's always a rollercoaster as I'm sure most of you know.
    My son has been doing well. He's living with a friend, she's girl, no romantic involvement, no drugs, very clean. She's let him lie on her couch as all of his drug friends dropped him because he ran out of money I suppose.
    He got evicted from his apartment, is now seeing a psyc for depression, is being medicated, joined a program (works on a farm 3 days a week under the care of the psyc - we did not prompt this-he went and signed up on his own), is looking for a job and we have made it very clear that he cannot move home until he has a job(which he has been looking for) and until he can prove to us he will no longer use drugs. So far, so good, a few slip ups though (he's use pot twice in the last week). His friend, the girl, told us.
    We never really known what he has been involved in but now we do. The girl he is staying with is very open. He has used cocaine and mushrooms (he tells us he's never used more than pot) and he used pot daily for months, but the harder drugs weren't his choice of drugs. She says his friends would call him names until he did it.
    I have just found out that his friends are sellers and my son owes a thousand dollars to someone, they are looking for him to beat him up. It's only a matter of time before they find him at this girls house.
    I know the boys who are selling and it's my understanding the drugs they are dealing in are getting harder and harder. Right now they want nothing to do with my son and my son is staying away, but as soon as he has a job they'll want him back. I have the power to call on a few friends and bust this mess up. Some say do it, some say stay out of it.
    What would you do? I'm not saying I'm going to do anything, but what I know now suggests that its getting worse and its getting big. Big bucks.

    I hope my son continues to try to help himself, I know he wants to change but I really don't know if he's strong enough. He's trying so hard but somehow gets sucked back in. For those who think pot is not addictive, it really is for some people and my son is one of them. I guess he would smoke so much pot until he couldn't walk, talk, etc... It breaks my heart. I don't know why he doesn't like the hard stuff, but I know that could change.

    Anyhow, just a brief update from me for those who have read my previous posts.

    Thanks all.
  2. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    I thought to myself, would I or wouldn't I. Then it dawned on me. I am the biggest tattle tale. I recently found out easy child 1 had been at a boy's house doing things she's too young for and I told the other mom within a week. (She was a complete jerk about it too. Called my daughter a liar, but through the grapevine I found out he is grounded for the summer. Guess my easy child wasn't a liar.) So I definately think I would make a call. But that does not mean I think you HAVE to, or would think bad of you if you don't. Your call. Good luck with your decision.
  3. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Thanks for your response. If it were just the parents I was speaking of I would do it, in a heart beat. I'm talking about speaking with someone in authority. I have good friends who are in the "drug" bust business and this business is bigger then parents now.

    My prayer every night is that none of have to visit this board anymore... Best wishes to all of you...
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'd call. I have done it in the past and would do it again. But I am also one who would turn in her own child for committing a crime.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Done it. And will do it again.

    Bottom line is that selling is wrong on so many different levels. Your difficult child does pot. Not great, but not a world ender either. BUT what about someone else's kid who decides to try heroine the first time......or any of the harder drugs.

    I know that no one makes a user buy. But dang it to hades I think anyone who sells this junk ought to be stripped bare and paraded among a crowd of parents/family/friends of people who lost themselves to drugs.......and locked up and never allowed to see the light of day again.

    But that's just my opinion. Even if you can't save your difficult child from getting the stuff....maybe you'll save someone else's kid from the opportunity to try it for the first time. Priceless.

    I'd make the call. But then I always do. The police dept here knows me well, and they know my leads are good.

    Glad difficult child is trying to make a turn around. Sounds like he has one good friend and hopefully he won't mess it up.

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    i would HAVE to call. Not at all saying it is the choice you should make. It can make life difficult for a while. I reported my own bro when his rages got so bad I thought my niece would get caught in the cross fire. I couldn't have lived with myself if he had thrown something in a rage that hurt her.

    It created a HUGE amount of strife with my bro and my parents. It was almost 6 months of Hades and a lot longer to mostly heal the wounds. But it was what needed to happen.

    I realize your son is only KNOWINGLY using pot, or admitting to it. But what happens if he gets some pot laced with whatever the next big thing is? Dealers here will mix stronger drugs into the pot so that users get a taste of the stronger drug. Creates a market for the new drugs.

    What if a teen tries pot like that for his first time drug use? It could kill him.

    You need to figure out if you can live with not reporting this and then seeing a news article about these dealers causing someone's death?

    This is a hard thing to do. If you feel your family would not be safe if you spoke up then you must weigh that into your decision. You should probably review your home security (whatever that is, not necessarily saying go get an alarm), get some pepper spray, and establish a code word system. You can use a code to let someone know you are in trouble, to let one of the kids know that you really DID send someone to pick them up, and to communicate anything else you think may be needed. I would probably have a word that meant RUN! also built in.

    Practice using the code words, responding to the code words, and also practice getting out of the house from every area.

    Whatever you decide, I am sure it will be the best thing for your family and situation. But code words and safety reviews and role playing are a good thing to do anyway.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    My thought is that if these people beat up your son and harm him in a terrible way even by accident, you will never forgive yourself for not alerting the authorities. I'm thinking that the authorities probably know about them anyhow but at least you are on record.
    As far as addiction, I have no doubt that similar to cigarettes, some can quit pot and some are seriously addicted. Every person's system and personality has it's vulnerability both physical and psychological.

    I'm sorry that your son has struggled for so long and the fact that he is still smoking would tell you he is not clean. Hopefully, he will do better this week.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I also called the cops on my daughter to try to show her that it's illegal. She was caught with pot, but not anything else. So I'm tough on drugs.

    People were after my daughter too. That' show it is when you use drugs. And they ALL say "it's only pot" lolol.
  9. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Thanks everyone, I have a decision to make today now that my head is clear.
    We know my son is only admitting to pot and that he has done more. I think I mentioned in my earlier post that we are well aware that hard drugs have been in the scene, but they aren't his drug of choice. The girl (sent from heaven) have been our eyes and ears. She made it very clear to my son that she would help him out but she would not lie to his parents. She said that she agreed to help him out because he was the only one that was nice to her when she was in a tangled up relationship with one of the drug dealers. He beat her up bad. She thought she could change him. She said whenever our difficult child was over he would thank her numerous times, stick up for her and just seemed "nice".

    WEll I guess thats one good thing.
    Talk later folks.
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I understand too! I have turned my son in also. I have also called and reported drug dealers. It is kind of scary. You dont know who they will look for - however, it may save someones life. My husband is always telling me not to call or to stay out of the way of consequences but I dont want those consequences to be death. take care.
  11. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    well i reported everything. i don't know when or if anything will happen, i guess the stuff i know is peanuts compared to the "big times". i'm not the only one who knows what is going on and i'm not the only one who has reported these things which is good. i know something will happen, someone will get caught, just don't know when. i feel much better.

    my son has moved home. the girl he's been st vaying with is going home to visit her parents for 3 weeks and we didn't want our son staying there on his own, and our son wanted to come home.

    he looks well, is still job hunting, has an interview next week. he's going to his psyc, continuing with the farm program (until he has a job) and next week his psyc and his counsellors are taking him to a golf tournament. My son used to be a wonderful golfer so i think it will be good for him. i can see over the last month he has gained about 20 pounds (it looks so good on him) and his eyes look so clear. His smile looks nice too.

    he has a new girlfriend ( i worry a bit about this), he falls hard for girls! she has made it very clear that if he uses any drugs she's out of there. even cigarettes! so far so good. he doesn't have his old friends right now so she's been filling the void. she lives out of the city (2 hours away) until august when she'll return for college so he visits her on the weekends. we've been buying him bus tickets to get there.

    he reapplied for college (late) for the social work programme and he seems excited. i don't know whether or not the application will go through because he was late, we'll see.

    his "buddy" (old friend that dropped him when he ran out of money and is also the "hard drug" supplier to many) contacted him to see if he would "jam" with him and some others. my heart jumped. my son loves to jam. he's a great drummer and used to have a band. my son responded to him saying that he CAN'T play with him right now, he's getting his sh*t together and also said "you didn't seem concerned about jamming with me a month ago when you dropped me". i told my son he could have some of his "non drugs" friends over to jam so that he can still play.

    Thanks all, I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, i know this can all change so quickly. Today is great and i'm trying to focus on that. my hubby and i are going to session today to help us with this transition. if we had our way we'd lock him up and never let him out but we know that we have to learn to live with this. we just need help on how "we" should deal with him now that he's home. our rules right now, no drugs, no drugs, no drugs and keep looking for job.

    bye for now.