I do not believe that one's life can be shaped by one person. I think our children had and still have a range of choices.As if maybe my attitude towards her and the behavior across the years has unfortunately shaped her into the person she is today.
You are not 100% of his DNA or 100% of his environment. He has a bio. father, peers, teachers and others in his life. Unless you beat him up every day or, if he's on drugs, forced him at gunpoint to use drugs, how is it your fault if an adult child of yours made bad choices,
I think we all go down this road SP, I know I do. There are times when I start examining everything, trying to find rationale for this mess. The thing is, my girls started acting out around middle school. I have tons of photo albums with happy times and smiling faces. The trouble really began when they chose the wrong friends, started smoking pot, and eventually moved on to other substances. We could not be there for them 24/7, they had to learn to make good choices.I have started to really question myself yesterday...maybe I AM to blame for how my Difficult Child is. Maybe I HAVE caused all this. Maybe it's really been me all along.....I just have to wonder.
I agree.I am positive you did EVERYTHING you could, if not MORE than most would. Most of us here have gone over the top to help our difficult kids and are wonderful people and good parents too.
I feel the same with my two d c's. It is because of all of the history we have, Comes a point, when it is hard to believe anything. This is not our fault. It is a part of the paths our d cs have been on.I think it's cause I see her wanting to connect more with us at times, and being on constant guard and really negative outlook towards her.
I agree completely. This takes its toll on us. Never did we think that things would be this way.Try to take care of yourself. I am on constant guard too. On the phone, even. I defend myself from attack. I have no joy talking to him. It is pure defense. Somebody could say it is rejecting. When the calls go bad, I get sick and depressed for a few days. I do not know what to say. When do we count?
I think you are being way too hard on yourself SP.As if maybe my attitude towards her and the behavior across the years has unfortunately shaped her into the person she is today.
Again, you are being way to hard on yourself.It's still hard not to reflect internally and question all the years when I did have my hands fully in her life.
How is your relationship with your 13 year old? I have two d cs/ plus two gracious adult kids, one 14 year old, our relationship is wonderful. These kids tell me, "Mom, they just try to blame you for everything, so they can continue to do what they do."I then started feeling guilty for spending more on my 13 year old who's still home. I dismissed that as silly as daughter received the same treatment at that age too...but still...
I know this feeling.Compounded by her being homeless and the holidays
Definitely solid advice.We are doing the best we can. This is real life. Not dress rehearsal. I forgive myself. Try to forgive yourself, too.
Me, too.I did things that negatively impacted my kids. I think every parent does.
I believe this to be true.But even if we could have been the "perfect parent", the outcome would likely have been similar.
Every one of us makes mistakes SP. Try to take some deep breaths and be very good to yourself. This is all so stressful and tiring. On top of it, caring for our families and younger children. It is huge. I hope you are able to relax, slow down and find the peace you are seeking.We do the best we can with what we know... and when we know better, we do better.
maybe I AM to blame for how my Difficult Child is. Maybe I HAVE caused all this. Maybe it's really been me all along.
Jabber is so right!!Free will. Those eight letters sum it up. No matter what your genetics, no matter what your upbringing, YOU have the choice to make your life better or worse. Is the child of an alcoholic more likely to become an alcoholic? Yes, but not until THEY CHOOSE to pick up that first drink.
I see her wanting to connect more with us at times, and being on constant guard and really negative outlook towards her. That's what makes me feel guilty.
I truly use to believe environment shaped an individual more than genetics. That given the opportunity people can really succeed. And I would imagine this to still be true in some cases. But then my daughter really started showing disturbing behaviors that could not be explained. The older she became the worse things turned till finally I was staring at my ex, her bio-dad. That is when it was really in my face. A child who's bio-dad has not been there since age 2, but she was exhibiting the same behaviors.
And now she's on the attack again. Telling me how she's always felt I gave up on her and always was trying to pawn her off. That my guilt today is karma. Not good timing for that sort of attack
I have been there too, many times. I think for me it is a very seductive idea, to imagine I could still wield that kind of influence, like I did when my children were small.I have started to really question myself yesterday...maybe I AM to blame for how my Difficult Child is. Maybe I HAVE caused all this. Maybe it's really been me all along.....I just have to wonder.
I thnk we believe deep inside of ourselves, that if we take responsibility, even blame, our children may right themselves. If we face that this is magical thinking, we lose any semblance of control. Even a false sense of control. No control feels unbearable until we are strong enough to tolerate it.WHY things are the way they are that we are willing to take it all on ourselves, just to try to make sense of it.