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Questioning therapist's intentions-thoughts pls
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 76171" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I think this therapist has already done a lot of damage. NOBODY has a perfect childhood. If we did, we'd never cope with adulthood. Think about it.</p><p></p><p>Your instincts are correct. difficult child has to learn to move on. It's definitely moving on time. Has been for some time.</p><p></p><p>However, she is very angry. Doesn't know who to be angry at, she's been angry for years. Maybe something someone has said at some stage, perhaps overly sympathising with her for her father not being around, has built up this fantasy in her head that she's supposed to be messed up, which gives her permission to be messed up. It's a way of opting out, of not having to behave or grow up because all the experts tell her she doesn't have to, she can cuddle in their cocoon.</p><p></p><p>I suspect right now she wants to move on, but needs a no-nonsense therapist to hep her do this, not someone who will continue this really bad enabling.</p><p></p><p>The assault - it does sound like she's moving on. However, it will have left a permanent mark - she has to accept that. And it is amazing what a deep scar it can leave, even when we think it's deal with.</p><p></p><p>When easy child was assaulted at the age of 5, she didn't tell me for two years and then broke down in a flood of tears, convinced t hat telling me had signed my death warrant (the little charmer had threatened her that if she told, his dad would come round to our place and run me over with his lawnmower). easy child's counselling was far less for the assault and much more for the 2 years of anxiety and panic it caused her. I could have throttled that kid (and his father) if I ever was able to track them down.</p><p>easy child no longer remembers the assault, except intellectually. She had blocked it out by the time she was 9. Her counsellor was totally ineffective and would tell me NOTHING - I'm still angry about that. So, in hindsight, is easy child, because now she needs details and hasn't got any. I strongly suspect the bulk of the counselling was 'nurturing' and working on her to not talk about it, which is exactly what she did. She would refuse to talk. As a result, it's been buried so deep it still is a problem, because I can see a lot of unhealthy choices in her life. She has only ever had the one boyfriend with whom she is now living. The relationship has been stormy, with her anxiety attacks which would have put off any less determined young man. It was a long-distance relationship (safer, sexually, when he's on the end of a phone and not in the bedroom) and they both now have a major weight problem which I think won't be fixed until she remembers the assault and deals with it - poor chance now. I have seen so many survivors of childhood abuse, who have big weight issues. I'm sure at some level, it is deliberate - an attempt to make themselves so unattractive that they will never be attacked again.</p><p></p><p>Back to your daughter - you gave some interesting history. She was a problem before the assault. You already had her in counselling. She was behaving in a sexually provocative way. Are you sure this was the first assault? Just checking. Children of separated mothers are especially vulnerable, often in ways you would never suspect.</p><p>And her reaction to telling him about the assault - VERY interesting. Again, I sense anger. Picture it - he says, "tell me what happened," and out of anger and perhaps bravado, she tells it in as graphic and salacious manner as possible, hoping to provoke a reaction. It is highly likely she got upset because he did NOT react. She made the accusation partly because she totally embarrassed herself (her self-esteem was probably rock-bottom and she dug an even deeper hole and dragged herself in there) and now he has seen too much, he knows her too well and she can never hide anything from him again - and she needs to. She feels she must always keep part of herself hidden because it is too awful, she can't even stand it herself.</p><p></p><p>And now she is in a nasty pattern - she can refuse to cooperate, or say she doesn't like someone, and the nasty probing will stop and she can continue to have permission to be the bad girl, the wounded girl.</p><p></p><p>She needs to face up to this herself. I don't know how this can be done. But ANY therapist enabling this has got to go.</p><p></p><p>I would talk to the therapist first, ask what happened to our first talk, why are you now making things worse. But your daughter needs CBT. As did mine. And if it's too much work - sounds like it's getting through. But if she begins to say, "it's too difficult," then I do think the therapist could ease back, just a little. She may not be ready to be pushed too far, too fast. But even ANY progress towards moving on and taking this stuff on board in a more balanced way - has got to be improvement.</p><p></p><p>Because as I said before, if we reached adulthood with no traumas, no past hurts, then how would we ever cope? It would all hit us at once and we just wouldn't survive. Hurts need to be dealt with, managed and we need to learn our own coping skills. We shouldn't just pretend everything's fine, but neither should we use our problems as a handy excuse to opt out of any future responsibility for ourselves and our life. We have a life to be lived - we should work to putting this rubbish where it belongs - in the bin. Right now, she's letting it clog her life so much she can't see the way through the mess. And as you said, it's not that big a mess, she can do it. With the right therapist, not one who is saying, "Just leave it on the floor, you don't have to ever leave this room anyway."</p><p></p><p>Good luck. Wear your steel-capped boots for the next appointment.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 76171, member: 1991"] I think this therapist has already done a lot of damage. NOBODY has a perfect childhood. If we did, we'd never cope with adulthood. Think about it. Your instincts are correct. difficult child has to learn to move on. It's definitely moving on time. Has been for some time. However, she is very angry. Doesn't know who to be angry at, she's been angry for years. Maybe something someone has said at some stage, perhaps overly sympathising with her for her father not being around, has built up this fantasy in her head that she's supposed to be messed up, which gives her permission to be messed up. It's a way of opting out, of not having to behave or grow up because all the experts tell her she doesn't have to, she can cuddle in their cocoon. I suspect right now she wants to move on, but needs a no-nonsense therapist to hep her do this, not someone who will continue this really bad enabling. The assault - it does sound like she's moving on. However, it will have left a permanent mark - she has to accept that. And it is amazing what a deep scar it can leave, even when we think it's deal with. When easy child was assaulted at the age of 5, she didn't tell me for two years and then broke down in a flood of tears, convinced t hat telling me had signed my death warrant (the little charmer had threatened her that if she told, his dad would come round to our place and run me over with his lawnmower). easy child's counselling was far less for the assault and much more for the 2 years of anxiety and panic it caused her. I could have throttled that kid (and his father) if I ever was able to track them down. easy child no longer remembers the assault, except intellectually. She had blocked it out by the time she was 9. Her counsellor was totally ineffective and would tell me NOTHING - I'm still angry about that. So, in hindsight, is easy child, because now she needs details and hasn't got any. I strongly suspect the bulk of the counselling was 'nurturing' and working on her to not talk about it, which is exactly what she did. She would refuse to talk. As a result, it's been buried so deep it still is a problem, because I can see a lot of unhealthy choices in her life. She has only ever had the one boyfriend with whom she is now living. The relationship has been stormy, with her anxiety attacks which would have put off any less determined young man. It was a long-distance relationship (safer, sexually, when he's on the end of a phone and not in the bedroom) and they both now have a major weight problem which I think won't be fixed until she remembers the assault and deals with it - poor chance now. I have seen so many survivors of childhood abuse, who have big weight issues. I'm sure at some level, it is deliberate - an attempt to make themselves so unattractive that they will never be attacked again. Back to your daughter - you gave some interesting history. She was a problem before the assault. You already had her in counselling. She was behaving in a sexually provocative way. Are you sure this was the first assault? Just checking. Children of separated mothers are especially vulnerable, often in ways you would never suspect. And her reaction to telling him about the assault - VERY interesting. Again, I sense anger. Picture it - he says, "tell me what happened," and out of anger and perhaps bravado, she tells it in as graphic and salacious manner as possible, hoping to provoke a reaction. It is highly likely she got upset because he did NOT react. She made the accusation partly because she totally embarrassed herself (her self-esteem was probably rock-bottom and she dug an even deeper hole and dragged herself in there) and now he has seen too much, he knows her too well and she can never hide anything from him again - and she needs to. She feels she must always keep part of herself hidden because it is too awful, she can't even stand it herself. And now she is in a nasty pattern - she can refuse to cooperate, or say she doesn't like someone, and the nasty probing will stop and she can continue to have permission to be the bad girl, the wounded girl. She needs to face up to this herself. I don't know how this can be done. But ANY therapist enabling this has got to go. I would talk to the therapist first, ask what happened to our first talk, why are you now making things worse. But your daughter needs CBT. As did mine. And if it's too much work - sounds like it's getting through. But if she begins to say, "it's too difficult," then I do think the therapist could ease back, just a little. She may not be ready to be pushed too far, too fast. But even ANY progress towards moving on and taking this stuff on board in a more balanced way - has got to be improvement. Because as I said before, if we reached adulthood with no traumas, no past hurts, then how would we ever cope? It would all hit us at once and we just wouldn't survive. Hurts need to be dealt with, managed and we need to learn our own coping skills. We shouldn't just pretend everything's fine, but neither should we use our problems as a handy excuse to opt out of any future responsibility for ourselves and our life. We have a life to be lived - we should work to putting this rubbish where it belongs - in the bin. Right now, she's letting it clog her life so much she can't see the way through the mess. And as you said, it's not that big a mess, she can do it. With the right therapist, not one who is saying, "Just leave it on the floor, you don't have to ever leave this room anyway." Good luck. Wear your steel-capped boots for the next appointment. Marg [/QUOTE]
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