Quick advice needed....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Feb 14, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I blocked difficult child's cellphone use to only family and her probation officer. She asked this morning if she paid the bill every month, if I would turn her phone back on so she can get calls for interviews because she is trying to live an "honest" life. I do want her to live an honest life and get a job, but I really don't believe anything she tells me anyway....

    What do I do? Do I turn it back on if she pays the bill, or is that enabling?
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Turn it back on... AFTER she pays you.

    If she doesn't have the money and says she needs a month to get a job? She could always do it the old-fashioned way.

    Don't cave!
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I don't feel qualified to input. My only thought is...maybe there's a middle ground. If she can afford to pay you couldn't she pay for a new phone of her own? Probably it wouldn't have all the bells and whistles that she likes but she could make and receive calls with-o your involvement. DDD
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with DDD, if she can afford to pay the bill every month, have her get one on her own. If you're tied into a contract on her phone and that's not an option, then I would agree with having her pre-pay you before allowing her to make/receive calls from other numbers. I think it's worth letting her try it for a month, as long as you watch it carefully.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    We are in a contract. For her to pay me for her phone - it would be ten dollars a month. To get one on her own is a lot more and I don't think she can even get one on her own because she is not 18, yet...

    I am thinking I may turn it on if she pays the ten dollars a month. If she misses a payment, the cell gets shut off again...
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    That's what I would do... BUT... Make sure she gives you the $$$ up front!
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    There are plenty of pay-as-you-go and pre-paid cell phones out there. She can get one at Walmart. She would have to buy a card with so many minutes....and then when those minutes are used she needs to buy a new card. No card, no service. No problem (for you, anyway!).

    As the situation stands? I would not put her on my cell phone contract because I could not trust that she would follow the rules. Can you trust that she will stay within your plan's minute and text messages limits? Can you trust that she will not be downloading anythng inappropriate? At the moment? Probably not...

    Therefore, she has lost the priviledge of paying a discounted $10 per month for a cell phone and will need to pony up the $50 or more to get her own. Doesn't like it? Tough! That's the real world....
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    1.) If you cancel her phone it will probably cost YOU more money - NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

    2.) If she can afford it? Then she pays you IN ADVANCE - one month in advance. No exceptions. She has Marches money paid BY Feb. XX, 2011 and when March XX, 2011 rolls around if she has not paid for April XX, 2011? You suspend it until she pays. THREE, strikes? Shes done, turns the phone back in, and it's over.

    3.) You have her sign a contract and have a witness notarize this.

    4.) You also have a time limit and a date ON the same above contract that she will merge into getting her own phone. Doesn't matter to me when that is - if it's 3 years then it's 3 years.....but that's up to you and her.

    5.) You can't come back at her for other offenses and "Take" the phone. OR you can write "other" offenses INTO your contract. CYA.

    6.) If she breaks or otherwise looses the phone? Do you have insurance on it? Does she pay for that herself or do you? Who pays for the phone if she gets all difficult child and breaks or looses it? Her/You? Write that into your contract with her.

    See kids want these responsibilities with big girl girdles, yet they don't ever want all the i's dotted and the t's crossed with contracts - they just want the perks. Then we agree to it - without thinking because like good parents and not good business people - we just want what is going to HELP them - rarely thinking what helps US. Contracts do. Black and white - covering our bases...just like in the real world does.

    hate it------with a passion but our kids put us there, and this sadly is a life lesson for us all.

    Hugs - and ring, ring......ring, ring's.
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Did you block it so she couldn't make calls or receive calls? Or both? If she can't make calls to anyone but family or PO, that has nothing to do with receiving calls from a potential employer.

    And if she doesn't like the deal you're offering, she can get the GO phone from Walmart and put her own minutes on it. It's probably cheaper for you to just pay the ten bucks a month till her contract runs out than to cancel it.
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I blocked it from both making and receiving. Hubby picked me up for lunch today and we discussed it. We are going to let her pay us in advance for her bill until she turns 18 and can legally enter into a contract. We were not renewing this contract regardless, so she will need to get her own at that time. If she does not pay, it will get shut off. I like the contract idea, Star. I like that a lot.

    As always thank you all for your advice - you all rock!!!!!!!!
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Star is, as usual, spot on. No signed contract, no phone. Make her sign it in front of a notary so that she can NEVER accuse you of forging it or changing the terms.

    You are to have access to ALL texts/emails/etc... This is so that if she is dealing drugs (I think I remember you saying something about that on another post - sorry if it wasn't you), you can see messages about it (even if theya re in code you can often either look up current meanings for the words (like molly for ecstasy, etc...) or go with your instincts if they say she is up to something.

    ANY use of the phone for anything related to drugs (selling, using, being around users, etc...), casual sex, prostitution, drinking, smoking, or anything esle that is illegal means you turn off the phone permanently for anything other than calling you or husband).

    In addition to the ten dollars, if the minutes/texts/internet used goes over the amt in the contract, difficult child pays it ALL before the phone is turned on again (IF it is turned on). Even if "her" minutes are not over the limit, if they push "your" minutes over the limit she has to pay. WHY? because with-o her using the phone you would not every go over your minutes.

    Give her a set # of minutes each month. If seh watns more she pays at the per minute rate in the contract with the phone company. If you and husband haven't used your share of the minutes and it means hers do not go over on your bill, so what? She still used more than her set amount and still has to pay for them at the higher rate. If there is no higher rate in your contract, put a charge of 10-30 cents per minute in the contract she signs with you.

    Make her pay for the phone insurance AND anyhting done on the phone if she loses it. Once she reports it and it is cut off, she must pay for the activity done while it was stolen before she gets any more minutes, etc...

    She must replace the phone on her own if it is lost, stolen or damaged. She STILL has to pay the monthly amount even if she doesn't have a cell phone. Cell phone companies don't really care if you have the phone or if you lost it or it was stolen. You entered into a contract to pay $x per month for the minutes, etc... and if you don't use them it isn't their fault and they are NOT letting you out of the contract, charging you less or giving you a free phone. There is NO reason that your difficult child should get different rules than this.

    SHE must pay for notarizing both her signature and yours/husband's on the contract. This contract is for HER benefit - NOT yours.

    If she harrasses anyone and gets into legal trouble for it, she loses the phone. If she gets into legal trouble other than a very minor traffic accident that does NOT involve texting, drugs, alcohol, or hurting anyone, the phone goes.

    If she does not return your calls and husband's calls in a polite manner within 10-15 minutes of you calling, the phone is turned off.

    If she commits to send $$ to a charity by texting something, she must pay it before she gets more minutes - and she still has to pay the monthly amt on time every month in addition to the $$ she pledged via text. If she buys an app or something for her phone, or a ringtone, it must be paid for BEFORE she buys it. buys it before she pays you for it? Phone is turned off and she still must pay for the app and the monthly fees.

    If you, husband, or another adult hears her talking about something you find disgusting (unless you are in a home that SHE is paying for - in which case she can find her own phone anyway), like hooking up, using drugs or alcohol, gang stuff, criminal activity, etc... the phone goes off.

    The contract should also say, VERY CLEARLY, that she does NOT get warnings or "second" chances of any kind. The phone will just be turned off without you or husband saying a single word to her. NO negotiations, manipulation or justification. If she is setting up a drug sting with the cops or DEA or Homeland Security she would be given a different cell phone and phone # - she would NOT be using yours. Ditto other outlandish ways to show she wasn't doing what you thought - seh was trying to "help" someone because she is a "good friend'.

    Be very very sure to NOT give her another chance if you think she is dealing or selling drugs. If she is caught she can put blame on you even if you were unaware of her actions. Then you can have your assets forfeited to the govt because you "helped' her sell drugs. Even though you didn't really help. THey can claim that providing a phone for her when you knew/saw/suspected involvement with drugs means that you were supporting her actions. It isn't as rare as you might think.
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    What plan do you have?? I have AT&T and I can go online anytime and see who anyone on my plan, which right now is my daughter and I, is calling or texting any time I want. I would say if she is willing to pay the bill, have her pay it up front and then see how she does with it. She screws up once, you block everything again. I don't really know your daughters situation yet, so I may be way out of line with my opinion, but it's just a thought.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I think Susie brings up a very good point too - IF SHE GOES OVER - she pays------

    GOODNESS it's so good to have great friends that bring EVERYTHING to the table. (I always forget the spoons) lol.

    Pats Girl - You so rock as a Mom - You know that? YOU DO! And the fact that you and your husband can still sit and talk about your daughter after all that you've been through says so much about your relationship!! It's just AWESOME! Give that man a cookie! Or two - one for each hand as DF says!

    Hugs -