Quick question to parents of difficult child's who abuses friend/s!!!?

[lovelyboy]

Ok....big difficult child has been boiling the last 3 days....started last night with more than hour meltdown because we took away some games, because he becomes more and more verbally abusive, threads, exct.
Tonight he played with a friend from down the street, but because this child is a bit mentally challenged, he irritates difficult child and usually ends up with verbal abuse, bossyness, exct from difficult child. Tonight was the first time he ever got physicly abusive, pushing this child, holding him against his will, because this boy said he wanted to go home! My hubby intervened, a bit aggressively, trying to free this child, so difficult child shouted infront of his friend to hubby f*c* you! This was so embarresing.....difficult child became very emotional, labile, shifting from angry to crying, to hating himself, to packing a suitcase, wanting other home.....depressed, exct! Then suddenly he is better again!
I dont feel its ok for this other child to play here.....I feel he aggrivates my sons behaviour and Idont like the way my son abuses him!
Do I speek to him and tell him not to come and play anymore, or what!? My son dont really have insight, his defence meganism is:" I dont care....."
Maybe its time to take my son to this other therapist who specializes in Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)....We really dont know what to do anymore! But this cant be normal, just manipulative or naughtiness!

 

[buddy]

Sounds all too familiar. Here I am hiding out at my sisters house to a avoid the social situation at our house. For us it is a combo of the lack of skills, lack of insight, inept ability to put another's needs above his own (if he's in a good place himself he'll do anything for you!)
And then there is the explosiveness and impulsivity ...well....it goes on and on. So I do manipulate every second of our days. Just in case. Sorry for how hard it is. Any social therapy experiences he can join?

 

[lovelyboy]

Thanx Buddy! I know you would understand!
No, no social groups!
Asked the Occupational Therapist (OT) if she could include some cognitive behaviour stuff....she didnt seem interested at all!
What do you do when Q starts swearing and stuff? Do you apologise to the friends? Do you tell them rather not to come? Or must I just tell difficult child he needs to apologise to his friend? He is ALWAYS rude to this child, because no one else wants to play with this poor boy, so this boy keeps on coming back!

 

[keista]

If this boy has issues of his own, I don't think telling him to stay away is going to work. Any reasonable child would have figured that out on their own already.

I'd have a talk with this child's mother. Let her know that you don't mind the play dates because kids need friends and work on their skills, but this doesn't seem to be working well for the boys since her boy doesn't have a "coach" present (sound like he need social skills as well?)

If it's possible to arrange playdates where mom would come with the boy, and you would each "coach" your kids through, then it may be a benefit all around, but is really doesn't sound like these two should play alone.

 

[Malika]

Hi lovelyboy. I too can identify with some of your dilemma. Which I think is, in essence, that because the difficult child cannot be relied on to behave appropriately, one is scared of encouraging social encounters - but without social encounters, the difficult child will definitely not improve. In this particular case, the boy is wanting to play with your son but you feel it is not a helpful relationship to either side. Is there any way your son can be coached how to play with this child, what to do when he irritates him rather than resorting to insults and abuse? Because it's this sort of thing he needs to learn and it will all just arise with another child if not this one. A valuable opportunity but how to exploit it without exhausting yourself, upsetting this other child or alienating your son? Can you be present when they play together, helping your son when he starts to react badly?
Whereas I am an innate believer in "letting children get on with it", I am starting to feel that that is what I need to do with J and other children - supervise their play and help him act more appropriately when he starts getting upset or quarrelsome over something. It's just my take on it that it's more helpful to walk into the fire than (understandably) to protect the child from it. In the long run, in terms of acquiring the oh so vital skills our kids lack sometimes.

 

[InsaneCdn]

difficult child + difficult child = ... either trouble (they don't get along) or TROUBLE (they get along TOO well and dream up all sorts of trouble).

So, it could be worse. <wink>

I think Kiesta is onto something... if this other boy were a NT kid, then at least that half of the equation would be predictable, but because this other boy has his own problems, you're not really in a place to be the sole facilitator.

 

[buddy]

Thanx Buddy! I know you would understand!
No, no social groups!
Asked the Occupational Therapist (OT) if she could include some cognitive behaviour stuff....she didnt seem interested at all!
What do you do when Q starts swearing and stuff? Do you apologise to the friends? Do you tell them rather not to come? Or must I just tell difficult child he needs to apologise to his friend? He is ALWAYS rude to this child, because no one else wants to play with this poor boy, so this boy keeps on coming back!

Well, I used to be able to end it right then and there, they or we left. Now Q will get escalated so that plan no way works....!!! So, now I have to clue people in as it goes...(like today at the pool, another difficult child shows up, a little kid, things had been going well but then got too wound up. Q started shooting water at his little girl cousin who loves to fret and all the kids did really but Q wont back off. Then both difficult child's start flipping in the pool and when directed to stop I was being sworn at... SO....I stayed calm, we gathered up the toys that were being thrown, Nana told the kids time was up because we had to get ready for something else and Q fell for it. I told him we had to get ready for PT and that is true, his focus was shifted and that is how I try to get out of everything. When he is calm and alone, we then later talk about needing to take a break from that for X amount of time and we write down the things he has to show me. Problem is he seems so unable to hold it in so I dont do this for every infraction if he stops right away.
Of course in the off-play time we are doing the therapies, medications, etc....I wish your son could come join him for the weekly activity group he is doing, not sure if it will change things but at least he can make mistakes in a safer environment (I hope....I have no real trust, so they could say it is too much but we'll see)....The activities are so good though, they have an hour class first to practice goals then go out for three hours to do what they planned.

Well, gotta run to PT....will check in later!

 

[Liahona]

Keista's idea is great. Sometimes kids need to be taught how to be friends.

 

[DaisyFace]

I think Keista is right...

These two need an adult-guided activity in order to make it work. I think shorter playdates with scheduled activity is probably your best bet. (eg. 30 minutes of bike riding) Since he lives just down the street...that should be pretty easy to arrange.

 

[buddy]

I agree whenever possible every play session is planned right now. Times for our whole day are planned and I prefer other adults around who are in on the plan.

 

[Ettina]

I have another question. How well does your difficult child understand the nature of his friend's disabilities? I had a mentally disabled friend at the same age, and I mostly just noticed that she had slurred speech and drooled (she had mild CP). I had the vague sense that she didn't understand things as well as most kids, but I really didn't have much of a clue what she did or didn't understand. Fortunately, I was pretty kind to my friends (it was authority figures or bullying that set me off) so even though I didn't understand her issues, mostly that meant that I'd talk over her level, she'd ask for clarification, and I'd give it.

But it might be a good idea to ask your difficult child to describe, in his words, what is different about his friend. Maybe you can help to explain some of his friend's annoying behavior to him.

 

[lovelyboy]

Thanx for all your replies....Sorry I am only responding now! It's so busy here at the moment! difficult child got sick....vomiting, sinusitis, exct and little one going for his EEG today!
Right....the thing with this other child is, he is quite a bit emotionaly neglegted at home....his mom and dad got divorced.....rich dad living else where, mom feeling depressed and trying to keep things together.....not being at home often....This poor child needs to fend for himself and often looks not looked after! So organized playdates, supervision, exct....out of question. Secondly I think its also a culture conflict.....we are from totally different ethnic groups.....And thirdly......my son doesnt really want to play with this boy and wouldnt have chosen him as a friend if there was any others around here to choose from! But luckily this poor child didnt come to play again! I usually organize and plan very supervised playdates with my sons school friends on Fridays.....That usually goes very well!
I think what I will do is in the future, if this boy wants to come and play, I will limit it till 45 minutes!
Thanx all for listening!