Quickie Update

[HeadlightsMom]

Just a little update from our corner of the planet. difficult child transition is interesting, indeed.

PROS: Got a job, has worked a whole week now. Took GED testing. Still hitting AA/NA meetings at times. Mostly peaceful (this is some kinda record we're working on now with that). Was sick 2 days last week, stayed with us -- mostly he slept, so, yes, that was very peaceful. Cleaned himself up physically, put on weight and, I must say, is lookin' downright handsome!

CONS: Had a fit about transportation the other day. Why won't we drive him to everything? Well, uh.....because we're at work ourselves during some of your hours and you're not usually here? Shall we get you a homing device? And, uh.....because you're 24 and a grown man? Ask us politely (and thank us afterward) and if we are available, we may drive you to work.

Mostly, he's been like an entirely different person. I trust it more than I did, but, well, you know. One day at a time. I did flinch when I saw his "fit" about transportation. Was about to advise him to leave our home (he was there that afternoon), but he chose to leave before I had to. Good choice for both of us!

I want to give BIG credit to our difficult child for something.... He has humbly (and it appears genuine) become aware that he had virtually no REAL friends when in heavy-duty drug/crime mode. He is starting from scratch with friendships and trying to meet "healthy" people. This is one of the few areas where he has remained steadfastly and genuinely humble and open to change. I see it in his eyes and he is clamoring to meet people with honest lifestyles. His eyes are very telling and I feel him in that.

it's a pleasure to see the power of AA meetings at work in his life. I could just kiss his sponsor's feet. Every time difficult child meets with him, he seems stabilized and back on track. difficult child really does need these meetings daily or near-daily in his life.

It's interesting to watch a 12-yo boy begin to emerge into his 24-yo body. And HIS growing awareness of it is what's most fascinating. Must be like a blind man gradually gaining sight and exclaiming...."Whoa! Didn't know that's how life really looks!"

Anyway, we're all learning new behaviors around it. difficult child learning to try, we parents learning to trust (meanwhile keeping a slice of vigilance in our back pocket just in case....). You all know the drill.

But we are so very grateful for difficult child's learnings, our learnings, and every good day we have together! Today is another good day!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Great post HLM. Your optimism and cheer come across so dramatically, it was a pleasure to read. Another good day. I'm very glad to continue to hear it. And, if it goes awry, well, that is what is and we'll be here for you then too........but for right now, today, it is so much to be grateful for......

 

[dstc_99]

Can I just say I love this post!

 

[HeadlightsMom]

RE --- Thanks so much! Thanks for the here, the there, and the everywhere in-between! I always enjoy your posts and hold them in high regard.

dstc_99 -- Why, yes.... YES, YOU CAN! LOLOL! Thanks so much! Oh, and uh..... "Go 'Hawks!" (can't believe they pulled out a "W" against Carolina yesterday -- a squeaker!).

 

[Hope_Floats]

I am truly grateful for your sharing this post, Headlights. I have been mostly reading, not posting much so far, garnering strength from all of you to hold strong in my resolve to continue to hold the "closed" sign firmly on the door of Bank of Mom and let my 22 difficult child figure out himself how to get out from under the mountain of financial burden that his choices have created for himself. He has ADD and is suffering from depression and anxiety (and from I've read lately, I'm pretty sure that he has borderline personality disorder, although that isn't a current diagnosis for him that I know of). You guys have all been a source of comfort and affirmation for me in so many ways, I although I have to say that I was beginning to become very discouraged that there wasn't much hope of anything ever changing for my dear, formerly sweet, son that I love so much. I just thought it was too late.

It is immensely encouraging to see that one of our guys is making progress at 24! Even if it's two steps forward and he ends up taking a step back or it isn't all just perfect from here, we see that it is possible for them to change.

It would have been so easy for you, I think, to stop posting while things were good, since you didn't need the support so much. So thank you for keeping us posted. We're all rooting for your difficult child, and for you!

 

[!overwhelmed!]

So happy for you! Praying it's a steady road of recovery. Thank you for posting some good news. I can at least live vicariously through you for awhile while I trod through my journey. Good luck!

 

[BusynMember]

HLM, what your son is doing right now is HUGE. It's when they start deciding to dump their drug using "friends" and even tolerate loneliness that you know they are serious. Now it took my daughter a few tries to quit before she did, but she ALWAYS tried very hard not to hang with her durggie friends first. In the end, she moved out of state and put up with lonely days and nights until she met her boyfriend of now eleven years.

I can't tell you how cautiously excited I am for you. I am so hoping for the very best for him and your entire family.

 

[HeadlightsMom]

Everyone -- Thank you so much for your kind words and support! 2 things occur as I read your replies....

It would have been so easy for you, I think, to stop posting while things were good, since you didn't need the support so much.

HF --- Thanks for posting this line. I guess I could stop posting when things are good. But, honestly, that never occurred to me. Our difficult child has much in common with all of our difficult child's: crime (jailed repeatedly), drug use (hardcore -- meth, heroin, ecstasy, etc), school suspensions (kicked out of every single school he ever attended - didn't finish 10th grade), police-worthy insolence (same stories as you all have), psychiatrists (some good, some not....but all needed), medications (oh vey.... Risperdal, Zyprexa, Klonipin, Seroquel, Depakote, Paxil, Adderall, etc).

Our stories are similar, so I feel all of your hearts in here! Yes, we post here in times of difficulty -- we're all in this together. And I choose to post here in times of celebration (no matter how small or brief) -- we're all in this together! The bad times are so intense and numerous. The good times are rare and sacred -- worthy of celebration!

You guys have all been a source of comfort and affirmation for me in so many ways, I although I have to say that I was beginning to become very discouraged that there wasn't much hope of anything ever changing for my dear, formerly sweet, son that I love so much. I just thought it was too late.

You all are a great source of comfort and affirmation for me, too! Really. It's such a lonely place to think that we're the only ones. I have a dear friend with 2 kids with Cystic Fibrosis. She can speak of her children's hospitalizations and receive much glowing support. When we who have difficult child's speak of our kids' hospitalizations (or jail time, etc), we occasionally receive support, but often we receive a load of blame garbage for our parenting. Thaaaaanks..........that was ever so helpful. NOT! :/ We try to enlighten others who it is to raise a difficult child, but they cannot understand (like trying to tell a blind person what blue is). I get that. But they don't need to tell us how to change our lives, meanwhile boasting how their pretty Muffy and Buffy are at Yale now because they were wonderful parents. Muffy and Buffy just followed their lead. Thaaaaaanks, again.........ever so helpful, again. NOT! :/ But I'm here to remind y'all that our difficult child's do what they do -- independent of anyone else (including us parents).

But I digress...........imagine that? LOLOL!

Just saying that I am one of you, and you are one of me..........and we all are a part of us. And it's ok to be us because we're pretty friggin' strong! And we can grow both our strength of will/resolve and our softness of heart at the same time. We CAN do this!

No, I don't feel strong every day. Far from it. But I do feel strong today. And EVERY single day I feel strong, I seek to share it with others because it's a Win-Win.........It strengthens both the speaker and the listeners. And everyone in this forum takes turns being speakers and listeners. LIke I said, it's a Win-Win for us all.

We each have our own voice, focus, and gift for expressing our strength. Just by entering this forum it's a strength! By speaking out, is another strength. Speaking out ideas, speaking out comfort, speaking out humor and, perhaps most of all..........speaking out our fears. Speaking out our fears? .......... Now that's some kind of admirable strength right there!

We are stronger than we know! That's my story and I'm stickin' to it! Whether our difficult child thrives or dives I CHOOSE to remain strong in myself and in all of us being united!

Maybe our difficult child's make it -- or maybe they don't. Maybe our difficult child falls off the wagon tomorrow -- or maybe he doesn't. I don't know. But my journey is about ME and his journey is about HIM. If my journey were about HIM, I'd lay down everything I had to change him. But......I tried that and it didn't work. Shoot, we've all tried that. It doesn't work. Why? Because THEIR journey is THEIRS. They can't live OUR lives any better than we can live THEIRS.

And I choose Radical Acceptance With Enthusiasm! Enthusiasm is an important tool in my toolbox. Of course, sometimes I will complain with enthusiasm, too! LOLOL! Seriously, I'm no saint. I get upset with the best of 'em. And it's all valid -- this is brutal stuff. I have cried myself a whole new ocean over the years.

But as long as I'm breathing, that's reason enough for me to choose Gratitude -- No matter what difficult child does. And the more I emboss Gratitude onto my soul, the stronger I become -- No matter what difficult child does.

Thank you all for listening, for sharing your hearts, for being so smart and creative in your ideas. Thank you all for just being you!

Today is a good day!

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming.

 

[Origami]

Thank you so much, HM, for your positive thoughts and sharing! We have to celebrate the good days, too, or it would be too much, wouldn't it? (Stay tuned for a happy posting of my own!)

 

[HeadlightsMom]

Origami -- Thank you for that! And thank you all for all you teach me. Today I learned much. To everything there is a season.

 

[HeadlightsMom]

AFTERTHOUGHT NOTE TO ALL --- I just read several posts and thought of my long post on this thread......the one which spoke of enthusiasm. If you read that long post, I hope you see this post now (if you see neither, it's a moot point ).

Anyway, everyone, just wanted to say that I hope my "enthusiasm" wasn't inconsiderate of anyone's current struggles. I was there just 2 months ago and I very well could be there again in 10-min (we know how difficult child-dom can be). So please do forgive me if anything was insensitive. Above all, I wish to be supportive to you all......just as you all, so kindly, have been supportive of me.

"Enthusiasm" often works well for me. But I am reminded that that may not be the case for everyone.

 

[Albatross]

HLM, it was a great joy to read your posts. I know I enjoy the "good" ones even if I'm deep in the midst of my own "bad" one. It reminds me that things go around and come around, hopefully in a somewhat upward direction.

 

[pasajes4]

We NEED to hear the good stuff. We NEED to know change is possible.

 

[!overwhelmed!]

I agree. This is all relatively new to me (3.5 yrs) but I definitely need to hear the good news to give me hope! Without the knowledge that things can change this would all be pointless! I for one am happy for anyone else's happiness, regardless of my own situation. Thanks for posting!

 

[dstc_99]

A really loud annoying guy I work with constantly says the following: "Hope is not a sustainment plan."

I realize hope in reagrds to difficult child's doesn't make for a perfect result BUT I firmly believe it is needed at times. Please post the good stuff. Lord knows it is needed.

 

[HeadlightsMom]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. They help a whole bunch. I appreciate you all. Feeling a little weather-beaten today (tough morning with difficult child and we've all got some kind of flu "crud" so we're all -- including me -- a little low energy).

"Hope is not a sustainment plan."

Huh. I kinda like that. Maybe not. But it's a dandy lifejacket when feeling like we're in over our heads.