raging

[Ktllc]

Sweet Pea has been having those daily raging (screaming, throwing herself on the floor, kicking...). It always start when she can't get her way.
Sometimes, she will get upset but will be over it pretty quick or I can distract her.
But some other times she is like a furry. Obviously reasoning with her is not an option although I do talk to her and explain why she can't do/have x.y and z. Explain that her behavior is not appropriate.
I used to put her in her room and leave the door open. She would scream for a few minutes, come back out once somewhat calmed down but then would start again fairly quickly.
Now I'm actually closing the door and let her scream until she is completely calmed down. It last maybe 20 minutes or more. It seems like an eternity of course!
Usually her room is trashed, but it is so babyproof that she really cannot do a whole lot.
Once I open the door, she signs "sorry" right away and I explain to her that she cannot scream and kick when I say no. We hug and move on.
The method works for me, it allows me to stay emotionally calm and still take care of the other 2 without having a complete chaos in the house.
But how healthy is it for Sweet Pea? Is she actually learning anything along the way?
I know I'm not torturing her, but it sure feels that way. Is there any other effective methods to dealing with a raging almost 2 year old?

 

[keista]

If there are, I didn't find any. Although what DD1 did, I wouldn't call a rage, it was definitely an extreme tantrum - yes lasting up to an hour. in my opinion if your talk it out afterward when she is calm, and isolate until she gets there, then you're teaching her the best way possible. Hopefully as she matures, these will lessen.

 

[TeDo]

I can't help you really. I'm sure she's very frustrated and since she may have some Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) traits (just considering the possibility here), it could be very confusing for her. She WILL learn and no, you're not torturing her. I know how it can feel that way. Do you see it coming before it hits? If so, you can try working with her before it gets full blown. Teaching calming techniques (demonstrating & have her copy?) like deep breathing. Do you think gentle restraint (hug with her arms in and a calming hum against her head so she can feel it) would work? If she has the touch sensitivity, it won't work. It used to work with difficult child 1 when he was smaller. Just a couple ideas I had while reading your post.

Hang in there mom! You're doing just fine.

 

[Malika]

I guess... she is not able to "control" the rage when it is happening. I like the idea of the hug, if it would work, and I know various people suggest this in these kind of rages. She must herself feel quite scared by her intense emotions. I wanted to see if J did this when he was younger (couldn't remember clearly) and so looked up in the book I wrote occasional notes about him from when I first met him at a week old. Here is something from when he was 2: "He is dynamically energetic, boisterous, physical, sociable, very likeable and charming but with frequent episodes of aggression and intense rage when angered or upset. Cannot tolerate frustration although speaking to him gently and with explanation seems to help calm him."
I reproduce this because it seems to me that he basically has the same issues now, as if the personality and behaviour set down very early is actually a real marker of what is to come. I say this not to depress you obviously, but just as a way of saying maybe Sugar Pea's raging needs to be taken seriously - which you are doing. I don't know whether it helps her to put her in a kind of time out - I am sure it does not harm her as much as all sorts of things you could be doing. Maybe try the being very calm and gentle and hugging her approach, as if she is not being deliberately wilful but is manifesting some behaviour that is beyond her to control? Oh gosh, Easier Said Than Done, I know all too well!!!
You are such a warrior parent and an example of caring and commitment to your children.

 

[Ktllc]

Well, let's see... I have tried to hug her but it really does not work. She wants to escape from it and I actually have a really hard time to stay calm myself. And I'm sure she can sense it. My energy is then spent on me staying cool and not on helping her.
But I do bear hugs and humming before putting her to bed. So it is a successful technique for calming in some instances.
I've honestly did not even think about calming techniques, but will most definetely try. If she is old enough to understand and sign "sorry" on her own, she has to be old enough for blowing finger candles. She alwyas surpises me on how much she understand and can do. And focusing on calming techniques also helps me stay calm as well! (I know it from having to handle V).
Malika, to answer your question, I actually do take VERY seriously. For who ever would witness it, it would be obvious that it is beyond a normal toddler tantrum.
She can be so sweet but also so difficult. Know what I mean??
I think I will talk to V's Occupational Therapist (OT) about sensory issues with her. I don't know if we should start therapy this young. But I'm guessing that's where we are heading (specially with the family history).
I also would like to clarify: she is NOT Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and I don't believe she has any traits. When she regressed, it was a bit unclear. But now that she is older, definetly no social issues. Great gestures, smiles and various facial expression, excellent imaginary play (the best of all 3 kids!), understanding of non verbal cues, etc...

 

[TeDo]

Sounds like you have a plan. Get an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation and work with her on calming techniques. I hope it is enough to help.

 

[Ktllc]

I don't know if it really is a plan, I just feel we are heading in the wrong direction with her. During one of her crisis today, she added head banging on the wall.... sigh.
Her forehead was red and I asked her what she did (I kind of knew since I heard it) and she showed me where she banged.
It will probably be another long day (was already a long morning!).
At least she is napping now.

 

[keista]

Awwwwww poor Sweet Pea! Head banging is one thing that always scares me with these kids. All thee of mine did it at one point or another. Fortunately never to a serious degree. Still scary.

 

[buddy]

When Q was smaller I used two things mostly.... one would roll him up (we called it a hotdog, others call it taco wrap I suppose many other names)....so his hands were down in the blanket and I rolled him tight (not his head) so I could then do pressure or rock him or whatever with more control over his body. We also had one of those big exercise balls. I often sat on that and bounced him. Either in the blanket or with him facing me his legs out to the side and (unless he was biting then facing out) and I bounced BIG....not soft little bounces. Sometimes I put him belly down on the ball or sat him on it (depends if he was thrashing too much, but like a car ride once we got going that all stopped quickly and I could position him better)....and then you can bounce them by pushing on their bodies.

Not sure she woudl be up for that but those exercise balls are so much cheaper now. In other settings they often used bean bags with him too....can put t hem under and over....just so V does not cover her up, LOL. dont want her squished to that level!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Headbanging... I knew a family with a kid who had this problem, and they - on the advice of their doctors at the time - did wall-to-wall carpeting, including underlay... 3/4 of the way up the walls. This cushioned the impact, while still allowing the kid to "bang"... The kid was smart enough to know that the carpet felt better than the wall, so he didn't use the closet door, for example...