Rant, whining.

[maxeygirls]

So husband has been deployed for a year. In that year I have gone out twice, once when I was pregnant with easy child to see friends at the club I've gone to for over 10 years (they had teen nights back then), and once to a Halloween party with easy child while difficult child was at my parents. I also went out of state for one weekend with easy child to try to find a vehicle for husband. It wasn't very fun. I came back to find out that my in-laws had given difficult child too much melatonin and she cried for me when my parents picked her up.
In that time I've also endured the hell all of you are familiar with; getting a diagnosis for difficult child.
That has consisted of 6 months with no idea what to do while difficult child was totally out of control followed by 6 months including 3 hospitalizations including one hundreds of miles away that included driving 6-10 hours a day with a tiny, crying easy child in the car to visit difficult child. My parents have been my main support but they are shaky at best due to their health.
I had one friend who lived by me for 6 months, she visited me each night and it helped but she moved away about 5 months ago. Far away.
Locally I have one friend with 2 easy child's under the age of 3 who is also on bedrest with another on the way, and several old friends on Facebook I have been trying to reconnect with.
The other day, an old friend from high school asked if I'd like to go to the park some time with him and his easy child. Absolutely! Well since husband and I almost divorced 2 years ago with lots of drama (I filed and ended up dating someone he was working with who turned out to have bad motives, husband dated someone and didnt tell me when we got back together, or her that we were back together, DRAMA).
Anyways, that drama is surfacing now. I discussed going to the park with 'old friend', husband tolerated the discussion, "I trust you, dont trust him, doesn't matter what you say I wont trust him, but go, I trust you" yadda yadda. I try not to hide anything from husband so he doesn't worry.
On our way to difficult child's psychiatrist yesterday I realized I've practically cut myself off from society this year because every time I mentioned going out or getting together with someone I justify why it isn't going to happen for some reason unrelated to husband not liking it. In all honesty, that is the reason I don't get together with other people.
Now here I am, faced with getting together with an old friend who happens to be male and in a relationship himself. He has a easy child not too different in age from difficult child and she needs interaction but so many people are afraid to have their kids around her.
I thought ok, the talk went ok but then when I got up this morning I had an email from husband basically guilt tripping me/trying to scare me. Comments like "I just dont trust him but I trust you", and "besides you know what would happen if you did something" were everywhere.
I feel cut off from society. Im torn between reassuring him so he won't feel stressed in a combat zone and having a life. I told him too that the next time my parents took difficult child overnight I'd be getting a sitter for easy child who FINALLY took a bottle at 8 months old. He said close to nothing and gave a warning to be careful.
Would any of you keep yourselves cut off this way? I feel like Im suffocating here. difficult child has had a hard year, easy child is only 8 months old and has been with me every second unless I was visiting difficult child during RSV season in the hospital, when she was in the car with my dad. I need a break, I need friends, I need a life!
I'm starting to think I'm losing my mind...

 

[Hound dog]

husband and I split up and divorced years ago.....then remarried 9 months after the divorce. The reason isn't relevant so I won't go into it.

But during that time I dated 2 other guys......I don't assume husband spent the actual year we were apart alone either.

You need to first cut the drama surrounding the events of your separation off at the knees. You and husband need to hash it out for real. When you got back together, the events of that time frame should have been put behind you and let go. Whether or not either of you were intimate with the others you dated.

This is the reason I don't agree to dating while separated. in my opinion it's never a good idea because you've got at least 50/50 odds of going back and dating only makes for trouble.

But that aside.......... Agreeing to come back as a couple implies, even if it wasn't discussed, that both of you were ok with that issue and were ready to try moving forward again. Evidently husband was not or he wouldn't be acting jealous of everyone and trying to guilt you at every turn.

I know it will be tough to hash it out with husband deployed. But you can't spend the entire time he is gone as a hermit either. And if you don't get this settled once and for all........it is going to get much worse until it destroys your relationship.

Me? I'd tell husband to stuff it and it's no business of his whom I spend my time with. He either trusts me or he doesn't and if not, then that is his issue to deal with. And then I'd go out with friends and refuse to isolate myself just to make him feel more secure. husband will tell you that I've flat out told him that if he doesn't trust me, there is the door, no one is forcing him to stay.

((hugs))

 

[maxeygirls]

Daisylover, thank you. It helps to hear it from someone who had a similar situation. We had hashed it out, over and over again but I guess husband isn't being honest. This won't be pretty. Mommy isn't pretty when she's angry and Mommy is very angry.

 

[hearts and roses]

I am with Lisa - either you trust one another or you don't.

It's unhealthy for you to isolate yourself and it's unhealthy for him to be pulling the strings like he does. It is also unhealthy for your children to see this going on between the two of you...unhealthy for you to be with them ALL the time. You and H have to set an appropriate example of a loving, trusting marriage. You need to put the past behind you and start fresh.

You need to have other adult relationships whether H is deployed or he's home. And so does he. Isolating yourselves with only each other is unhealthy as well. If he were home, would you not have any outside friends or contact? I would hope that's not the case. I meet friends for coffee and lunch - I'm a social person, don't have a lot of friends, but I do have a couple and I enjoy spending time with them. H makes snide comments at times, but I ignore them. I need my own space and outlet, just as you do. Best of luck. I hope you're able to find the balance you need in your life.

 

[AnnieO]

been there done that... Sort of.

My husband works 2nd shift so when I see my friends it is rarely with him. But let me give you a little word of cautionary advice... Be very careful.

I have male friends, in fact my BFF is a guy. We had a thing in the past, but it's long since over. Still, I never let myself be totally alone with him. Even out for coffee. Love him, and if things were different I'd probably be with him. But I am not willing to lose husband over him. Nor am I willing to risk my close friendship with BFF's wife. If it came down to a choice? husband. No contest. Even after all the stuff we have been through recently.

HOWEVER that said. My husband knows better than to give me an ultimatum. I don't do well with ultimatums. And if you are hearing, "I trust you but I don't trust him" - um - he doesn't trust YOU. He knows you need someone there for you while he is deployed. He knows about the stress of having a baby and a difficult child, especially a bipolar one. Even if he does not know personally - he knows.

As I have pointed out to my husband, regarding BFF - who he is friends with as well - I trust him, and I trust me. I don't totally trust US together. And since this friend of yours is male... Even in a relationship... You MUST be careful. There is a reason it is said that men and women can't be "just friends". Yes, there is the exception that proves the rule. But you can't be too careful!

And last but not least ... Get out, take care of YOU. Restart your social life. You MUST have an outlet or difficult child and Baby will make you crazy. And husband needs to learn to handle it. Group outings are awesome - just make sure there is a mix of attached, unattached, etc. so no one ends up feeling like a third wheel.

 

[maxeygirls]

In the end I think it comes down to his own insecurities. This may require counseling. His solution right now I fear is to move to another place and get me pregnant again ASAP...another baby was in the plans but not right away. Not a good plan husband, not good at all.
StepTo2- everything you brought up is very valid. I would never put myself in a situation alone with another man who is not my husband and we will be at the park with our kids and about 50 other kids.
There is a bit of comraderie with military and past military members as well and this friend is military, I am prior service. There is also usually a high level of respect in regards to honorable soldiers being around wives with husbands overseas. This friend I know understands and respects that.
I honestly don't know how we'll do when husband comes home. We were on rocky ground before and building to something better. I can say that I won't do anything to put that in jeapordy. I also won't give up unless the marriage becomes unhealthy for myself or our girls.
Im just fed up. For the last 5 years I have allowed friendship after friendship to die off simply because he didn't trust the guy friend or the girl friend wanted to do activities which worried him... like going to the state fair without husband, going shopping, going out with married female colleagues for a drink after work... you get the idea.
I won't bring up the past of what he has done because we discussed it at length and made a deal to leave the past in the past. I trust him to stick to his word now and I trust his judgement. He goes out without me and yet I sit at home. Ok Im done ranting and raving. Im sorry, Im just fed up and sick of only being around my girls. I love them to death but we all need a break and some adult interaction, right?

 

[AnnieO]

Sounds like this is well thought out on your part.

in my opinion - just a note. BM and many of husband's comrades when he was in the USMC - were not so honorable. I hope this was mostly because of her. husband was very understanding. I think he is nuts! He has no problem with me being alone with BFF - nor does H. She's nuts, too. BFF and I have texted at length about it and agree - NOT!

If your husband has an issue with you shopping with another woman - where the heck does he think you are shopping? Are you allowed to go shoping with your mom, or sister?

I am upset on your behalf. The past may be the past, but you need a life, too. Without it - you will be stir crazy - and that won't be good for your children OR your marriage.

 

[Shari]

in my humble opinion, any person, male or female, who attempts to isolate another person, male or female, (ie move to another place and get pregnant again, doesn't like you to have female friends, etc) has some control issues and you need to do exactly the opposite. Maybe husband is all good and this is all jsut related to past issues that need to be dealt with; but it also means he may have some serious insecurities and control issues, for which outside relationships will be VITAL for you to have.

I encourage you to meet your old friend. Ask him if he knows other friends, maybe with kids the same age, male or female, who'd want to do a weekly outing...one with kids, maybe another without, but as a group, in a public place, etc. You have a difficult child. You have a deployed husband. You have a baby. You may have a controlling husband. Any ONE of those NEEDS a network. You have all four.

 

[AnnieO]

What Shari said.

 

[maxeygirls]

Shari, I have been thinking about what you said all afternoon. Yes it is related to his past issues however I'm also not his ex wife. I have never given him a reason not to trust me and never would. The more I think about it, the more I think I'll go ahead and set up counseling for when he returns. We seem to do fantastic when Im stuck at home but the second I want a life everything goes awry. My parents celebrated their 38th anniversary yesterday and two months ago my mother was in tears about how she had no friends left due to things my father had done. I won't let that be me at 60 years old.
Moving I understand we had already planned, and another baby too. Moving can't be stopped but that next baby isn't going to arrive until we have settled this, ALL of it.

 

[Lothlorien]

See the babysitter thread. Army wives support group or look for you local MOMS Club chapter. MOMS Club are for stay-home-moms to socialize with other moms who are home with their children. The children benefit and the mothers benefit. If there isn't one, look to start one yourself. It's the greatest way to meet other woman in your situation. Might make husband feel less threatened, too.

 

[DammitJanet]

Ya know, you and your family sound fairly similar to my middle sons family.

My son is 25 and his wife is 29. Not as bad as it sounds. She turns 29 today and he turns 26 in July...lol. They have two kids. 2.5 years and 4 months. He was in the Marines for 4 years but now works for the sheriffs dept in Animal Control. His current wife is his second wife because his first wife cheated on him when he was first in the Marines with other Marines...some he was overseeing...in his own bed!

Lets just say he had a problem with trusting women for awhile. He was angry. The Marines kicked her off the base!

He does trust his new wife. While I am not a huge fan of this one, I do know that is something he doesnt have to worry about with her. She knows she doesnt have to worry about it with him either. She doesnt like him going out but it is for other reasons. She doesnt want to be left with the kids. She is pretty selfish. He lets her go all the time.

Somehow you guys need to get past whatever the trust issues are. After that, everything else will fall into place. Without trust, nothing works.

 

[Shari]

Good plan.

As I said, hopefully this is something that counseling will work out. If there are deeper issues, tho...you'll need those supports.

Hugs.

 

[maxeygirls]

To make matters worse, because of his screw ups I just lost not only the hope of buying the double jogging stroller I wanted(my ticket to the outside world and a happier, healthier me) but I'd already sold our usual double stroller so now I have difficult child, easy child, a single stroller and no way to go to the store or anywhere else without risking a runaway difficult child. He said he was sorry, but it sounded oddly like difficult child when she says sorry and expects that to fix everything. Then he spoke of how much it hurts him when he hurts me. Right. So now Im supposed to feel bad for you hurting me because it hurts you? Uh huh.
I feel low right now. No anger, no sadness, just low. That is not a good thing at all. difficult child feels it, easy child feels it too. Something is going to change right now, I just have to figure out how to make it all better. That's what Mommys are good at though, right?
Has anyone heard the country song "Little Hercules" by Trisha Yearwood? Its stuck in my head right now.

 

[DammitJanet]

Just on the really off chance you can find one, try freecycle for the stroller. It may be a stretch but just maybe someone has one they arent using anymore. If you dont know what freecycle is, got to freecycle.org and check it out.