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Rap Boy: -new problem-need help with
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 68120" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, coming from a totally different cultural background here...</p><p></p><p>She describes herself as a "dirty 'ho'" and is a virgin? Oh, dear, how unbelievably, appallingly innocent.</p><p></p><p>The whole concept of "dirty" and that OTHER word is SUPPOSED to imply experience in a very negative, degrading way. My understanding of the meaning - someone who sells their body for money - doesn't gel with 'virgin'.</p><p></p><p>It DOES seem to be part of a sub-group of rap, that they HAVE to use degrading terminology about themselves and others. THAT'S unhealthy, not the sexual references per se. Because when you degrade others, and yourself, you justify a low self-esteem and actively work to lower it further. Self-respect goes out the window. I wouldn't be banning swear words, I'd be banning ANY rap which shows lack of respect for self or others. Eminem's recent stuff may have a lot of bad language in it, but it's showing more respect than a lot of 'cleaner' stuff I've heard, of the "Gansta rap" variety. I'm only using that as an example. </p><p></p><p>Teenage boys are curious about sex and sexuality. If he and this girl are PLANNING this, then at least they're putting more thought into it than most teens. difficult child probably hears other boys brag about their amaaazing sexual experience (like, none) and thinks he has to catch up too.</p><p></p><p>If he's going to have sex somewhere, somehow, with whoever he can find, you and husband CAN'T stop him. Simply saying, "You're banned from ever seeing this girl again!" is going to be futile and cannot be enforced. You don't know that this girl is any more of a disaster than other friends of his - who knows, she may be a steadying influence - we have absolutely no idea. And if you're unwilling to say anything because you're afraid he'll know you've been snooping on his 'Net use, then banning him from seeing this girl is going to be just as big a giveaway.</p><p></p><p>You have to handle things your way and whatever you try and do, you won't be happy with the outcome. He's a big boy now who thinks he's capable of making his own adult decisions. He will no longer bend the way you want him to go.</p><p></p><p>So you have few choices. You can give him ultimatums but they aren't working. And the more he sees your ultimatums fail with no consequences that you can enforce, the more your parental power diminishes.</p><p></p><p>Or you can let him go his own way to a certain extent, but at least try to steer. When the hand is to the plough and the bullock team has chosen to go a different direction, all you can do is hang on and try to steer - or let go and watch them thunder off into the distance. They'll generally come back when they need their food and shelter, but otherwise will be uncontrollable.</p><p></p><p>So how do you try to steer? If you're going to say ANYTHING, you have to accept that he will at least suspect you've been snooping. So what? You're a parent, it's your computer, it's your house, he's your kid. He's your responsibility. Snoop away. Be proud of it. Or keep him guessing, don't answer if he accuses, but say something like, "If you're planning on having sex this weekend, do make sure you wear a condom. I've bought a selection for you to have a look at; or if you don't like any of those, we can go shopping together to buy you the ones you want. I'm happy to pay for them and know you are being sexually responsible." Do make sure you get the really odd stuff too, such as ribbed, flavoured, coloured - just as long as they WILL protect (which some of the fancier ones will not). This will REALLY freak him out - hey, my parents are sexual creatures, they know about this stuff (like, where do our kids think they came from?).</p><p></p><p>Because sexual activity also SHOULD bring sexual responsibility. If he's adult enough to have sex with someone, then he's adult enough to look after the sexual health of himself and his partner. It's the chivalrous thing to do. And if she says, "What's the deal? If we're both virgins, we shouldn't need a condom, especially if I'm on the Pill," then he has to say, "I'm being responsible, we both need to practice this side of sex as well as the fun side."</p><p></p><p>If you think about it - the time he needs to take (and the practicality needed) to use a condom, may be enough to take out the romanticism of the encounter, as well as give her time to chicken out if she needs to. It could be a case of, "Let's just not, and say we did," between the two of them.</p><p></p><p>But while ever you show you are upset, angry, horrified or appalled, he will keep being a rebel. And he will be always looking to up the ante on you.</p><p></p><p>I've had to accept that my daughters have chosen to have sex before marriage. I couldn't stop them - husband & I actually took turns on guard duty before we said, "This is ridiculous - if we stop them here, they'll only do it somewhere else or when they're out." OK, a few people at church had a go at me about it and I fielded it right back. "You have daughters much younger than mine. When your daughter gets married in white and you can PROVE it, THEN come back and lecture me, tell me the secret of how you did it. I brought my kids up the best I could, now they make their own decisions. We influence them while we can then we have to sit back and hope for the best."</p><p></p><p>When my girls became sexually active, I walked them through the other side - their personal responsibility. I took them to the doctor, made them have Pap smears, organised the Pill for them, talked to them about other aspects of sexual health and gave easy child 2/difficult child 2 a lecture in emotional health and the damage she could do to a vulnerable young man, simply by having sex with him (even in a relationship). She didn't understand then - boy, she understands now, but damage has been done.</p><p></p><p>Neither of my girls is promiscuous, thank goodness. Your difficult child may not be either. It sounds like he just wants to know, to be able to honestly say he has experienced sex. He WILL be disappointed.</p><p></p><p>But the most important lessons for him aren't "Don't have sex before you're married," or "Don't have sex outside of a committed relationship," it should be, "Respect other people, respect yourself." Because with that one, you're ahead of the game. Without that one, you can't achieve your main goals.</p><p></p><p>Good luck, I hope you and husband can come to some solution which you are happy with, which will help you resolve your concerns.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 68120, member: 1991"] OK, coming from a totally different cultural background here... She describes herself as a "dirty 'ho'" and is a virgin? Oh, dear, how unbelievably, appallingly innocent. The whole concept of "dirty" and that OTHER word is SUPPOSED to imply experience in a very negative, degrading way. My understanding of the meaning - someone who sells their body for money - doesn't gel with 'virgin'. It DOES seem to be part of a sub-group of rap, that they HAVE to use degrading terminology about themselves and others. THAT'S unhealthy, not the sexual references per se. Because when you degrade others, and yourself, you justify a low self-esteem and actively work to lower it further. Self-respect goes out the window. I wouldn't be banning swear words, I'd be banning ANY rap which shows lack of respect for self or others. Eminem's recent stuff may have a lot of bad language in it, but it's showing more respect than a lot of 'cleaner' stuff I've heard, of the "Gansta rap" variety. I'm only using that as an example. Teenage boys are curious about sex and sexuality. If he and this girl are PLANNING this, then at least they're putting more thought into it than most teens. difficult child probably hears other boys brag about their amaaazing sexual experience (like, none) and thinks he has to catch up too. If he's going to have sex somewhere, somehow, with whoever he can find, you and husband CAN'T stop him. Simply saying, "You're banned from ever seeing this girl again!" is going to be futile and cannot be enforced. You don't know that this girl is any more of a disaster than other friends of his - who knows, she may be a steadying influence - we have absolutely no idea. And if you're unwilling to say anything because you're afraid he'll know you've been snooping on his 'Net use, then banning him from seeing this girl is going to be just as big a giveaway. You have to handle things your way and whatever you try and do, you won't be happy with the outcome. He's a big boy now who thinks he's capable of making his own adult decisions. He will no longer bend the way you want him to go. So you have few choices. You can give him ultimatums but they aren't working. And the more he sees your ultimatums fail with no consequences that you can enforce, the more your parental power diminishes. Or you can let him go his own way to a certain extent, but at least try to steer. When the hand is to the plough and the bullock team has chosen to go a different direction, all you can do is hang on and try to steer - or let go and watch them thunder off into the distance. They'll generally come back when they need their food and shelter, but otherwise will be uncontrollable. So how do you try to steer? If you're going to say ANYTHING, you have to accept that he will at least suspect you've been snooping. So what? You're a parent, it's your computer, it's your house, he's your kid. He's your responsibility. Snoop away. Be proud of it. Or keep him guessing, don't answer if he accuses, but say something like, "If you're planning on having sex this weekend, do make sure you wear a condom. I've bought a selection for you to have a look at; or if you don't like any of those, we can go shopping together to buy you the ones you want. I'm happy to pay for them and know you are being sexually responsible." Do make sure you get the really odd stuff too, such as ribbed, flavoured, coloured - just as long as they WILL protect (which some of the fancier ones will not). This will REALLY freak him out - hey, my parents are sexual creatures, they know about this stuff (like, where do our kids think they came from?). Because sexual activity also SHOULD bring sexual responsibility. If he's adult enough to have sex with someone, then he's adult enough to look after the sexual health of himself and his partner. It's the chivalrous thing to do. And if she says, "What's the deal? If we're both virgins, we shouldn't need a condom, especially if I'm on the Pill," then he has to say, "I'm being responsible, we both need to practice this side of sex as well as the fun side." If you think about it - the time he needs to take (and the practicality needed) to use a condom, may be enough to take out the romanticism of the encounter, as well as give her time to chicken out if she needs to. It could be a case of, "Let's just not, and say we did," between the two of them. But while ever you show you are upset, angry, horrified or appalled, he will keep being a rebel. And he will be always looking to up the ante on you. I've had to accept that my daughters have chosen to have sex before marriage. I couldn't stop them - husband & I actually took turns on guard duty before we said, "This is ridiculous - if we stop them here, they'll only do it somewhere else or when they're out." OK, a few people at church had a go at me about it and I fielded it right back. "You have daughters much younger than mine. When your daughter gets married in white and you can PROVE it, THEN come back and lecture me, tell me the secret of how you did it. I brought my kids up the best I could, now they make their own decisions. We influence them while we can then we have to sit back and hope for the best." When my girls became sexually active, I walked them through the other side - their personal responsibility. I took them to the doctor, made them have Pap smears, organised the Pill for them, talked to them about other aspects of sexual health and gave easy child 2/difficult child 2 a lecture in emotional health and the damage she could do to a vulnerable young man, simply by having sex with him (even in a relationship). She didn't understand then - boy, she understands now, but damage has been done. Neither of my girls is promiscuous, thank goodness. Your difficult child may not be either. It sounds like he just wants to know, to be able to honestly say he has experienced sex. He WILL be disappointed. But the most important lessons for him aren't "Don't have sex before you're married," or "Don't have sex outside of a committed relationship," it should be, "Respect other people, respect yourself." Because with that one, you're ahead of the game. Without that one, you can't achieve your main goals. Good luck, I hope you and husband can come to some solution which you are happy with, which will help you resolve your concerns. Marg [/QUOTE]
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