Rats! Two separate friends want difficult child#1 to move in with them.

[DDD]

I'm not sure how long it has been (guess I should have checked my prior posts, lol) but difficult child#1 is has done so well for a couple of weeks. He has only gone out once a week and has not come home drunk. As usual he is polite etc. at home. He is going to the gym although not as often as I hoped.

Within two days, two separate "friends" have asked him to become their roommates. Neither one are "bad" although they do have pasts. Neither one is a substance abuser. One house is far too close to the worst part of town. Even if they lived in mansions on the lake...difficult child#1 will not be able to maintain his forward progress on his own. Yeah, I know he is old enough but he is not mature enough or together enough. He's been staying at home most of the time at night and turning off his cell so nobody can reach him. He's been sober and ready to work when we need him. When he is around alot of people he becomes Charlie Sheen.

Rats! It is his decision. I'll try to say very little. That's not easy for me, lol. Darn it, he's been "turning the corner" and I've been hoping for the best. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

crossing fingers

 

[KTMom91]

Sending good thoughts...

 

[keista]

I know there is a huge history here that I'm only partially aware of, BUT is there any chance that you can look and treat this as transitioning? Will he allow it? If you give him his freedom but also full supports, do you think he can transition?

I'm just thinking about what will happen when you and husband are gone. Sad reality is that you won't be around forever. Do you have plans already in place for him if and when the time comes? As difficult as it might be, it might be time to start him taking those baby steps towards independence now.

 

[DDD]

Thanks, Keista for your thoughtful post. We absolutely would love for him to transition. The problem is that he was ADHD to start with, then has Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) damage to the frontal lobe which controls impulse. Yikes. That combined with his alcoholism makes us very eager for him to transition to a healthy environment. We love him to death but, lol, we do realize that we are on the downward curve so keep trying to help him get "on target". The friends are not "bad" but they have similar histories to his and therefore there is no example to follow. If it were a good guy or girl who was holding down a job and living a healthy lifestyle..........we'd probably pay them to invite him there. LOL DDD

 

[klmno]

I agree with Kiesta on this. I think it's good for him to transition and you to detach a little more- sorry, DDD, but if you know these friends aren't substance abusers and are functional in life, albeit not perfect, it could be a good thing. OK- they have pasts but all our difficult child's do. PCs don't seem to flock to them and PCs trying to be frineds with a difficult child can sometimes make the difficult child feel inadequate or like a failure and trigger worse. I'd try hard to look at this more like "he's never going to mature if he doesn't venture some".

 

[DDD]

It's his choice, really. I am not coming down on it. But...just within the family I don't think he has a snowballs chance in hades of making progress if he lives with people who are not earning a living, do like to party and live very close to the center of trouble in our town. He's just recently actually tried to avoid booze and partying, actually has cleaned his room and the bathrooms plus is working for us as often as possible. I know those things like itty bitty baby steps but it's the first actual progress we've seen in five plus years. DDD

 

[klmno]

I see what you're saying but you can't "raise" a grown difficult child with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) the same as a young child. He has to somehow find his own way in this world. If he had a support structure to help him with job skills or whatever could help him (I'm talking about a structured program- not a support system like family), it would be different. Does he qualify for something like that? I know some places have some kind of service to come by and assist a person who needs help with daily life or whatever and I feel sure these people are getting some financial assistance in order to be independent. If his impairments aren't serious enough to warrant that and the issues are impulse control and maturity, I really don't know that there's much you can do except stand back, offer advice when asked for it, and let them reap the rewards or consequences. If there was more we could do, my son wouldn't be where he is.

 

[klmno]

I think I should have used the term "mold him" instead of "raise him". I know you aren't treating him like a 5 yo, and appropriately so.

 

[DDD]

The standards for disability and government programs in 2011 pretty much exclude anyone who is capable of any level of function. I've been involved with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) message boards etc. since the brain surgery and those who can not walk or speak or stop seizing get covered. Veterans, football players and regular guys like difficult child are deemed capable of working at "repetitive" jobs. Alot of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) victims have violent behaviors (thank God not difficult child) and many have really big issues with memory but are still deemd capable of working at "repetitive" jobs. Sigh.

difficult child#2 with AS, SA, ADHA and a diagnosis. of BiPolar (BP) was dropped from disability rolls because TA DA he was deemed capable of "repetitive" jobs. The official document literally listed two suggested jobs. The first was assembly line work in a manufacturing plant. We have no plants within 150 miles. The second, believe it or not, was specific. Ready? He could work as a potato chip cutter. I kid you not. I doubt such a job exists.

IF difficult child can get control of his alcoholism (and he is really trying since he lost his easy child) and learn more about our business he will have a marketable skill. He is great on the telephone, he does well with deliveries and he gets along adequately with walkin customers. Each of those are baby steps toward a career. He drove to NC for a national brake school. We see our role as trainers right now. As you know it is not easy to break bad habits and that is his battle. on the other hand, he doesn't remember whether he has had a shower, brushed his teeth, used deoderant, etc. Sigh. When he drinks he totally doesn't remember..yikes! It's complicated but we have detached alot this year and are very cautiously optimistic. Having "models" of normal behavior seems to improve things alot. We'll see. DDD

 

[keista]

It's his choice, really. I am not coming down on it. But...just within the family I don't think he has a snowballs chance in hades of making progress if he lives with people who are not earning a living, do like to party and live very close to the center of trouble in our town. He's just recently actually tried to avoid booze and partying, actually has cleaned his room and the bathrooms plus is working for us as often as possible. I know those things like itty bitty baby steps but it's the first actual progress we've seen in five plus years. DDD

I hear you, and if these 'friends' aren't ready to move forward in a positive life, then it's not really a good option for him, but if they are trying, then this is where the "extra family support" comes into the picture - if he allows it. I'm talking several daily calls to see if he's done x, y, z AND p, d, q, AND a, b, c. Kinda like being there without physically being there.

On the flip side, if you are FINALLY seeing real progress in him, maybe you can *gently* convince him to stay home until he is "stronger" enough to better resist going astray. From what I've read, he really is a "good guy" but due to the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) he is more easily led astray (which I see as different from traditional difficult child poor decision making)

I completely get that the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) changes the rules for you, but a recent post (and maybe a combination of posts on this forum in general) struck a chord, and ever since I've been concerned for your difficult child's future. in my opinion you need to be actively looking for transition possibilities for him. Besides, you and husband deserve some "worry free" time in your golden years.

by the way I was still composing this while your most recent post went up.

 

[toughlovin]

Hugs to you DDD.... it is so hard to stand back and watch them make choices that you know in your gut will not turn out well. I am hoping that he realizes he is making progress right where he is and does not move in with these friends... not much you can do if he does except to continue to love him and be there for him if and when he falls.

TL

 

[DDD]

Ah...lol...those "Golden Years". Without sounding morose, I don't think we'll see those. Minus too much whining, or at least I hope I don't whine too much, life is difficult. husband is showing increased signs of aging. difficult child#1 and I are trying to cover his back. Two years ago I suggested he talk to his MD about his forgetfulness etc....NOT! He's disenchanted with the business and although he is still "working it" his aging memory issues are causing some issues. He isn't making notes as he always has and some orders are getting messed up. Yesterday he spoke to a civic group about the fundraiser ("his creation five years ago that I have mostly taken over the past three years) and made a big mistake. Told the group that their entry was "free" this year. It was not suppose to be and the Assn. as a result will lose $500. Yikes. He's often going to bed very very early and doesn't remember that I have precooked dinner so he can get a healthy meal. His work hours are limited now to 8 to 11 most days. I cover it until 5 unless difficult child takes over the store if I have to go somewhere. He even let Ace out one evening, went to bed and finally when the dog barked..I realized and got him in the house. Then, double yikes, there is the money issues. Enough, DDD.
Nope I don't see Golden Years on the horizon. I do thank God that I'm still healthy and able to cover the bases but I anticpate that I'll have to offer him a reduced work schedule soon. Whine.

Geez Louise...don't you wish you had never used the term "Golden Years"? DDD

 

[gma]

DDD,
You sound like a very amazing lady! Hope you get to take some deep breaths in between it all once in awhile!
Sending hugs.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Its kind of like being the sandwich generation - except that in stead of being sandwiched between your kids and your parents... its between your kids and hour hubby!

 

[DDD]

Hadn't thought of that Insane. Maybe that's why I feel like liverwurst some days, lol. DDD

 

[klmno]

((HUGS)) I know I'll be working until the day I die.

 

[Hound dog]

DDD, just thinking, does difficult child happen to have seizures as a result of the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)? If he does, then that nixes him from working at repetitive jobs as it puts him at risk for injury, which they'd have to pay for and they won't do it due to insurance. I couldn't recall if he had issues with seizures or not. This is what prevents Travis from factory work, also prevents him from doing other forms of work, but then he has his eyesight also working against him.

Any possibility he could be evaled for deficits to hopefully expose one that disability would approve?

 

[DDD]

Hound thanks for asking. Thank heavens he only had seizures shortly after his brain surgery. He was on medications to prevent them for a couple of years and then weaned off. Yeah, we are fortunate.

The attorneys he hired are trying for an appeal. I have detached from that completely. In fact his disabilities are not obvious, they are not consistent, most of the time he really "presents" well. He just doesn't have consistency in his focus and capabilities. Some weeks he functions well and some weeks he doesn't. With our business we can "pick" the times that work best to have him come in. Obviously for employers in the real world you have to be relied upon no matter what the task...even if you are a "potato chip cutter". Geez, I still can't get over the Government listing that job for the younger difficult child. Is that nuts or what?? DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

Obviously for employers in the real world you have to be relied upon no matter what the task...

Not necessarily. Depends on the nature of the job - and the nature of the employer.

I don't know what your son't capabilities are, but here's one example: keeping a retail lumber yard "tidy" isn't something that gets done every day. It takes at least 3 days a week of effort - but if it slides for a couple of days, it isn't a problem.

Some disability organizations find these kinds of employers for people.