Re: Please Tell me we are not alone..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by coulie1, Aug 21, 2010.

  1. coulie1

    coulie1 Guest

    Hi everyone I am new to this site, mainly as I dont know where to turn.

    I have had problems with my 9 year old son since he was 2 years old, I have had him seen by psychiatric when he was 6 they said nothing is wrong with him and I have taken him back again as his tempers and violent rages are getting worse I think he is ODD or Bipolar but everyone keeps saying he is to young??? I know he is not to young to get either.

    Social services dont want to know GP sent me to phych dept they sent us away due to his violence and rage on the staff they saaid it was against health and safety to assess him??? What am I meant to do now??? Please help???
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Coulie, welcome. I was a bit puzzled by your title - I gather the previous one 'geled' a few thoughts for you. But it's OK to start your own thread with your on topic.

    I haven't got time right now to post on your thread plus the original "Please tell me where not alone" thread, but I will summarise advice for both threads now. (I've got a big day coming up, away from the 'Net).

    1) Any spouse/partner/other family help - get them to lurk here or post here too. It can make a huge difference. Talk about it together. You need to be on the same page. Limit this to spouse or partner to begin with though.

    2) Read current threads that look like they could be relevant. Also, go to the archives and read there. Read other forums - sometimes there can be useful advice on a different forum. Especially Early Childhood - it doesn't move so fast, but they have a higher proportion of "newbies".

    3) Get your hands on a very helpful book re behaviour and discipline issues. "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Buying new books is expensive, after a while of getting a lot of this sort of advice you get jaded and wary, so use the library. In the meantime, watch for mentions of this book and how it works, in the posts. Especially - look t the sticky on this book, in the Early Childhood forum.

    4) Have hope. Some of us have sad stories, or not successful stories, but they actually are not as common in terms of the number of people who come here with a problem and then move on, having learned how to manage. And there are those of us who have stayed on with some smaller problems continuing, but managing things a lot better thanks to the support here.

    I learned how to cope, I learned how to fight when I needed to and what weapons to use. This is despite being in a different country where rules are different. It still worked for us.

    Reading that book made our lives easier. A lot of help you are advised to use, can increase your workload (but hey, you do it for your child). This one helped AND reduced our workload. But you do all need to be on the same page. Those NOT on the same page will be the ones to bear the brunt of problems - if one partner is following the book, they will get on well. The one ignoring it i the one who will feel an increased concentration of the child's hostility! It would be allmost funny, if it wasn't such a problem (it has at times been funny, actually).

    Love your child. Have faith. Have hope. Keep an open mind and learn to think outside the square. Take notes, keep a diary and check back in it every so often. You will be surprised at the progress it shows.

    You can still have a life, still be happy, still have joyous moments. You just might need to work a little harder at it, and try to not look too enviously at those whose lives seem perfect. Trust me - nobody's life is THAT perfect!

    You've just landed in a very soft place. Welcome.

  3. Tearna

    Tearna Guest

    We are not alone...three or four days ago I found this site with some help from a friend. It has since become a life line, a support group, and a place to learn or research. I think that just talking to others or typing here what is on my mind has helped me as much as the advice I have gotten from Marg and a few others. All I can tell you is don't give up on you or your son. Something will be discovered but for now you have to be strong for yourself and for him. Hang in there, you are not alone and fortunately you have found others like me who have come here in search of support and a solution to all the trials they face with their children.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Welcome to the crowd! I can't count how many people have said that they've been told that their child is "too young" to consider a diagnosis!

    How was his early development? Did he speak like an authority on things? Did he fixate on a certain subject or toy? How about being sensitive to sights, sounds, smells - complain about itchy tags, etc.?

    How is his social life? Does he have friends? How is his eye contact with you vs. a store clerk, librarian or someone else that he's familiar with but not interacting with on a daily basis?

    Don't dispair - I'd suggest a neuropsychologist to put a finer point on a diagnosis. I'd also look into testing for Non-verbal learning disorder - it could be super insightful!

  5. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Welcome and not alot of time tonight to add a long response but wanted to say hi and welcome to the group.

    I wanted to say also that when kids are younger, as mentioned it is common (you sure notice it here on the boards) for it to be a real problem to get a formal diagnosis in younger children.

    I learned the hard way that when a professional who COULD help got stuck on a lack of ability to find a formal diagnosis (a "label" or "Category"), I often got the support that was really important when I would then say "OKay, child is young so that makes sense. In the end it is simply a label to summarize the root cause of the behaviours. In absence of a label, I still believe we can actively treat the BEHAVIORS and problems as other kids would get treated WITH a formal diagnosis. "Like" behaviours usually respond to "like" treatments, therefore using only behaviors, what can we do to offer some assistance and help to my child. Surely a absence of ability to put a formal name to the problem isn't grounds to exclude a plan to treat my childs very real problems. Some professionals don't see past a diagnosis. So bringing them subtly back to earth, backing them into a corner perse, can often help. Ultimately we all just want support and advice and ideas of how to approach the particular problems. And a diagnosis often changes for most of the diagnosis'ed children (here on the board) anyhow over the years. The treatments always remain the same (other than medications) for the most part, if the behaviors are properly analyzed and a proper approach to treatment is put into place.

    This won't be a instant help to any of you new to the problems that can be had when seeking professional help. But over time it can be a great wisdom to have from the get go. These professionals also see so many kids with issues every day, so they also see all kinds of parents. Some parents must drive them nuts, fixated on normal behaviours that they believe are some dreaded diagnosis. Or parents whose parenting approach is causing the problems, not any diagnosis of a child. I think some get jaded. So it can really help to present as a parent on the very first meeting, that is focused on practical solutions to specific problems. And if in the process someone finds a diagnosis, terrific! But that in absence of one, as a parent you are seeking SOLUTIONS to behaviors and expect that in their role, they have something to offer.

    Hang in there, and I'm glad you found us. This place is a life saver in the darkest time, light relief when needed (lots of laughs grouped in with the serious posts), and invaluable support.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome!!! I am glad you found us, and sorry you need us, Know what I mean??

    Don't you want to gag or pound on people when they tell you that a child is "too young" to be evaluated or diagnosis'd?? It makes me furious on your and your child's behalf!!

    The book Marg mentioned is great. There are some others that might be helpful - many libraries have them. I strongly recommend Love and Logic books because they stress logical natural consequences while preserving the loving bond between parent and child. You can learn about all their books at - read/listen to all you can there. Even the stuff for teachers was helpful to me. I loaned my books and audiotape to one of my youngest's teachers because she was interested and it was her first year teaching. It made her entire year a LOT easier and made a big change in the attitudes of all her students, even two very very challenging students.

    There is another book called "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" by Dr. Doug Riley. It is fairly new and is AWESOME! If you do a search on Doug Riley you will find some threads that he posted here - he pops in every couple of years, esp if he has a new book or new research to share. If you can figure out why your child is raging sometimes you can prevent the rages.

    You mentioned wondering if your child is bipolar. Read "The Bipolar Child" by Papalous - it is one of the best resources about bipolar for parents and professionals. Keeping a mood diary for your child is very important. Write down how he was each day, the time when he raged, what seemed to trigger it, was he hungry, tired, etc... After a few weeks you may be able to find a pattern and clues to help him. My son would go into rages if he ate candy on an empty stomach. Anything sugary could set him off if he didn't have enough protein in his system at the time. He ate a LOT of the Balance Bars that are 40-30-30 (% carb, protein, fat). I kept them in my purse, stashed various places in the house, etc...They made a huge difference for him.

    does your son seek out or avoid certain sensations? Does he have trouble with some textures, sounds, tastes, etc?? Seek out certain types of sensations (rocking, jumping, deep pressure, etc??? If so he may have sensory issues or even sensory integration disorder. Don't freak about the long name. It means his brain doesn't process sensations the way others do. It is extremely common in kids with the kinds of problems you suspect. There are two awesome books on the subject, both by Kranowitz. The first explains Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) and what can be done to help - it is called "The Out of Sync Child". The second book, "The Out of Sync Child Has Fun" is packed with activities that are fun and provide certain types of sensations. I would borrow the first from the library and invest in the "Has Fun" book - you may be able to find it used on amazon, ebay or By finding activities that my kids liked, and ones they hated, I was able to figure out a LOT about their sensory issues, esp for my youngest. He has a LOT of sensory issues and has made HUGE strides. One of the main therapies for this is brushing. It MUST be taught by an occupational therapist (Occupational Therapist (OT)) because if you do it incorrectly or on certain body parts you can cause real problems. It takes maybe 2 minutes to do the entire process once you have learned it. Brushing has been shown to actually change how the brain handles sensory input, sort of rewiring the brain. The awesome thing about brushing, in my opinion anyway, is that it does NOT involve any medications so you don't have to worry about side effects!

    There is a link in my signature (at the bottom of the page - helps us keep everyone straight in our minds) for a Parent Report. This is a report that you write about your child. It was designed by some of the older members to keep all the info about a child in one place, easy to find, and easy to copy any parts you want to share with a doctor or school or whatever. If you take it to a doctor they are able to get a better picture of your child than they get in their 15 minute appts.

    There IS help out there, but it can take a while to find it. It sounds like your son is very violent. Do not drive him anywhere if he is raging unless you have another adult to help control him. It isn't safe. If he is a danger to himself or others, call 911 and get a police officer and an ambulance there. Let dispatch know that it is a mentally ill child that they are responding to. They MUST take him to a psychiatric hospital for a 72 hour hold if he is a danger to himself or others - you can insist on this. If you get there and they want to send him home, refuse to until they treat him. If you have other children in the home it is important to keep doing this. You will need to write up a safety plan so that everyone knows what to do to be as safe as possible. You can tell the staff that he is a danger to his siblings and you cannot take him home until he has been treated.

    There ARE medications that might help his aggression and violence. Wiz, my difficult child, was so awful to my daughter that my husband and I couldn't leave them alone together even long enough to go to the bathroom!! We had to take the same sex child (I took jess, he took Wiz) into the bathroom with us if we were the only adult at home!!! Wiz actually spent 4 months in a locked psychiatric ward because I found him strangling Jessie in the middle of the night - it was NOT the first time, as I later learned. The medications that addressed his rage and violence were atypical antipsychotics - risperdal (risperidone), seroquel, etc... They made a HUGE difference. You will need a psychiatrist certified in child and adolescent psychiatry to presribe this.

    Is there any way to video tape or even audiotape his rages? Even using a cell phone camera you can get a LOT on camera and it makes it more real for the doctors.

    I hope some of this is helpful. You have found a fabulous group of people who truly understand what you are going through because we have all lived it/are living it now! Stick around, get to know us, vent as you need to (we all do it sometimes - this is an awesome place to do that!).

    Lots of gentle {{{{{hugs}}}}} for your entire family. Be gentle and kind to yourself during this chaotic time - you are WORTH it!