re: Spoiled because of Guilt?

[onlyisntlonely]

Hi
im a parent of an only child. I felt guilty for years for only having one child, and not providing him with a playmate. I felt selfish for years because i felt this, i tried to make up for it by spoiling my son. Anything he would ask for i more or less gave into one way or another, by this i mean like toys, lollies, clothes reasonable items, but i just found it harder to say no because i thought that it would help him to have these things that he could use in the absence of having a sibling.

 

[Malika]

It's a good question that obviously strikes chords with a lot of people.
I can't feel guilty about having left my marriage and J's adopted father because the situation was so unliveable and verbally abusive but I sometimes question whether it was right to take him away from his genetic culture, religion and language by leaving Morocco. Which also meant taking him away from his adopted Moroccan family who are good people who love and welcome him, whereas here I have no family on hand. Sometimes I wonder whether I am depriving him of a real sense of belonging because I don't know that he will ever really "belong" here... I don't consciously do anything or buy anything for him because of these feelings and I do try hard not to spoil him. As one of the other posters said, I do say no to him, in as many words, because I think that is better for him in the long term than constantly giving in - and of course it's hard because saying no leads to outbursts of crying, shouting, infantile swear words - "caca" being the favourite - and (depending on how much he wants the thing) childishly manipulative statements like "I don't like you, Mummy" or "I'm not going to stay with you, Mummy, I'm going to live with Daddy". All of this is like some kind of unconscious campaign on his part to get what he wants... I am not in hostile battle with him (trying very hard to steer away from that) but I am trying not to rear a monster who uses bullying and manipulative tactics to achieve his ends also... It is not easy, is all one can say.

 

[AnnieO]

This can go other ways, too.

When I met husband - he was a "Disneyland Dad"... because he rarely got to see the kids. So it was always something fun, video games, or canoeing, amusement and waterparks, etc. Always something.

That first Christmas? He bought them an XBox. We still have it. I had to take the controllers away from Jett.

mother in law is still like this - season passes to the amusement and waterparks. Stuff, stuff, and MORE STUFF - wasted money, really. So I know where husband gets it. BUT - it is the same thing. mother in law, and husband, both feel guilty for their divorces from the other bio.

When I got involved... I tried to convince husband that time with him was far more important. And to some extent, it's worked.

BM, on the other hand, has used STUFF as bribes for the kids. So either way - they both think they should get (or in Onyxx's case, take) whatever they want. It just doesn't work that way in real life. And that's the cultured part of their GFGness.

And I'm guilty of this, too - I just let them do whatever (sometimes) because I don't want to deal OR I am simply AFRAID.

 

[BusynMember]

My daughter accuses me of being too easy on my son, who has autistic spectrum disorder. I guess I feel bad for him because of that and of course he knows it and sometimes uses it.

 

[Star*]

HEY YA'LL

THIS POST IS FROM JUNE 2007! fyi.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Star,

I was going to say this post is a bit ancient too but you beat me to it! I didn't even know you can still comment on posts this old.