Read Star's Post

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kolleen, Feb 9, 2009.

  1. Kolleen

    Kolleen Guest

    Oh my gosh. Sorry to hear this. I slip on and off the board depending on my son's junk. I kicked him out in Oct - thought I'd have an 'attack' of any kind until he told me he was getting an apt. with a friend. Was imaging how awful it would be to kick him out AGAIN.

    I'VE JUST HAD THE BEST 2.5 MO of the past 10 yrs. However....

    Now: He just got fired again, has multiple traffic tickets. He works as a 'mechanic.' NO schooling for it. gets fired each time. Always their fault.
    How can you get a job with tickets when you are supposed to test drive clients cars to fix them??? Takes a step down each time he gets the next job.

    Dreading the words that might come "can I move back in."
    Need to say no............ but that Mom thing always gets in the way.
    That I should help. or I a better statement would be: let him move back in to take advantage of me again.

    I gave him some $. Better that than inhouse. He's filed his tax return, supposedly will pay me back. Yeah like I haven't heard that every time.

    Tired of how this all affects me. Tired of him. He too could be homeless.
    And yet I always feel like a coward. He wants a key to come use my easy child and do laundry. Don't want him to have a key......... He finally asked why. I said cause I don't want you coming over and yelling and screaming at me like you've done your entire life.

    He's of course talking very negative. But you can't really say much to support him cause it's always the other guys fault.

    Just letting off steam. Thanks for listening
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry things are so rough. whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE HIM A KEY!!! It may lead to him stealing things, or coming in when you don't expect it and abusing YOU.

    YOU work HARD to pay your bills, you deserve to have a peaceful home. Can't have a peaceful home with him.

    There are homeless shelters. There are places he can go to get help. Send him to Dept of Human Services for subsidized housing. They even have emergency housing if he loses his apt.

    He is an A D U L T. That means taking responsibility and natural consequences. If you "rescue" him by letting him move in you are STEALING the OPPORTUNITY to learn from him.

    Having said that, I understand the Mom thing. If you feel you MUST let him stay with you, do NOT give him a key. He can come in while you are home and leave when you leave. It will help protect you from later theft.

    Whatever you do, I support you 100%!!!!
  3. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Ditto to EVERYTHING Susie said!!!

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susie hit the nail on the head. My rule is Once you're out, you're out for good. It worked well for my grandmother, and I expect it to work just as well for me.

    My husband is the flip side of that. His Mom let us move in with her so many times over the years it was not funny. (I had to mega put my foot down) husband would've bled her dry with no sense of guilt at all if I hadn't put a stop to it.

    My mother in law is the most wonderful woman in the world. But her "helping" husband only made it all worse, so much worse. He is now 60 and if I don't keep on him.......Well, it ain't pretty. His Mom's "help" didn't help him to grow up and stand on his two feet and be a man.

    Yup. mother in law reinforced what dear ol' grandma taught me.

    He's an adult. It's all on him now to succeed or fail. You gave him the tools, it's up to him to use them. And as long as you're his safety net, he never has reason to learn.

    You'll be the bad guy for awhile, sure. But it will only last until maturity smacks him upside the head. You have a right to piece. You did your time.

  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hey K......

    Thanks for reading my post about Dude -

    Currently what I am attempting to do is pretend that Dude is NOT my kid. That he's someone I met, and (at 18) don't owe a thing to.

    Of course there is ALWAYS the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that if I do not do something he asks for then I'm going to be excommunicated from him. I think that's the part that I can't deal well with, so I tell myself again - IF this were not my son, but just an abusive person who treats me like carp unless it suits his project of the moment WOULD I......
    give him a key to my house to do laundry?
    give him a key to my house to get on MY PERSONAL computer (ie all my information and my lifeline to the outside world, because you KNOW when you get it back, it's going to run like MUD because of porn (oh no that's just mine lol) My Space, downloading a ton of pirated songs that he will argue with me are LEGAL (OH NO THEY ARE NOT). and on and on
    Give him $5.00 so he could get a sandwhich? Yeah - I'd do that for anyone almost.
    ALLOW him to come to MY peaceful, mellow life and MESS it up because HE can not seem (despite my every insistance, help and creedo) to get his proverbial mess together?


    In your mind when you feel like caving you can try the "My son is a stranger" deal in your head and treat him like someone you met in the post office parking's helping me say no a lot more. lol
  6. Kolleen

    Kolleen Guest

    I agree!

    Using these Three Principles:

    1. "I don't know this person theory

    2. along with this quote........... i forgot from who's post (sorry).
    "............I'll get it "put in it's place" and then something will come up and it's just as fresh as it was."

    3. and my shutting it all up inside a secret box and locking the lid

    We ought to be good to go.... right...........????????

    However, I would never give him my easy child. Told him to come over when i'm home. Not giving him a key. But it does exhaust me to do all this.......