Reality of Mother's Day....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, May 6, 2011.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I loved honoring my mother, mother in law, & grandmothers & great grandmothers. Saying that, it wasn't just one day of the was a life long love & respect for these lovely women in my life.

    I was honored as the mother to my children by my late husband.....

    I expect nothing this year.....haven't for years from the tweedles. I had the courage to ask both kt & wm if they were grateful to have me in their lives. kt, of course, told me that she was grateful & loved being my daughter. wm, on the other hand, is focusing on bio mom ~ how life would be so much better with her.

    My response to kt was "if you're so grateful to be my daughter, why do those words not match your actions, your choices, your daily verbal bullying". kt got very sheepish & made some off hand excuse - I'm 16 what do you expect.

    "I expect a level of respect that is due to all members of your family. I expect to be treated better than you treat a complete stranger or your closest friends."

    I saw my therapist yesterday & mentioned the thread on this board about child envy. I discussed how committed the mothers on this board are every day. How that thread really affected me.

    The bottom line is that I can't say honestly that I love kt & wm. I know I don't like them much. Honestly, I don't know that I'd throw myself in front of a bus to save them. I have fantasies of them finding their bio mum & moving back in with her. I have fantasies of being arrested & put in jail for respite.

    I'm not posting this for the hugs or the I'm sorry kind of stuff. Just want to know if any of you no longer feel the love a parent should have for their children.

    My reality of mother's day is that I'm not a mom ~ I'm a caregiver & guardian.
  2. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    In my book - that is the definition of being a Mom. Whether you are shown respect/appreciation/kindness in response doesn't matter. The fact that you never turned your back on your kids shows that you are a fantastic, wonderful, inspiring Mom.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I know how you feel... Somedays I feel like that's the only reason I'm here. But M2O is right.

  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yes i'm feeling it too this year.......... yet truth is you are a mom, and what you do is exactly what moms do.

    somedays' we're therapists, nurses, policeman lol, bouncers :) car service.....

    yet at the end of it all we are moms! :)

  5. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I think I do know how you feel. My kids are grown now and we have come to a peaceful place but when I was fighting WW III with them on a daily basis just trying to keep us all alive and out of jail, I can't say I liked them much. I guess I always thought I loved them; I just knew I didn't like them. difficult child 1 has grown into a reasonable human being and I actually enjoy being around him (most of the time). difficult child 2 is still insane part of the time but I am no longer totally responsible for him so I can ignore a lot of his doo-doo. With our kids, whether they are biological or otherwise, you just do the best you can with what you have to work with and let the outcome be what it is. You feel what you feel. How can anyone fault us for not being all lovey-dovey with kids who hit us, swear at us, go out of their way to wound us emotionally, and generally do their darndest to make our lives miserable? THe fact that we still care about them at all and keep trying to do what we can makes us pretty good mothers in my book. I hope that, as they get older, yours will come to the sort of place mine have reached where you all can call a truce and at least attempt to be your own version of a semi-happy family.
  6. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member


    I admire your honesty in saying what you did. There have been some periods in my motherhood career when I have felt as you do for days on end. The reality of it is that love is a two way street.

    You know you are doing a great job as guardian, caregiver and mother. But the reality is you aren't getting much back in return.

    I think that we all need to recognize that sometimes being a mother to difficult children is not a hallmark moment and speak the truth and honor the realities of our lives.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think after all you've been through's understandable.

    There have been times when I can admit I certainly did not feel the love.

    Both Wm and Katie have no clue how fortunate they are to have you in their lives. I think perhaps someday katie will get it......I hope you get to see it when she does.

  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I understand to a point (my difficult child is younger and not so severely impaired as the twins). I know I'm running about a 50/50 chance on Duckie walking out of our family life as an adult, because it will be too easy to hate her family rather than work on her issues. I realized a long time ago that husband and I were in a race to save a lifetime. It makes me sad.
  9. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Today our family therapist said to me " Machelle, you have a few months while difficult child is in residential care to take care of yourself. You have to be the stongest family unit when she comes home". I began to cry and told her I didn't even know how. I tried to share with her the things I have done and she said, " What grade would you give yourself-so you spent a few hours this week on you?" Honestly, I'd give myself a C-. Thats the grade we give kids when we are afraid to give a D or an F. I don't even know how to put myself first anymore because I'm a "caregiver and a guardian." It is so hard to value your own needs when you are not being treated well by your kids and they have nothing but needs to offer. Mine called from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and said nothing about mothers day-only cant wait to see you Sunday. Didn't say anything last year-not even a note. This hurts , I know.
    I'm sorry about the post I started on child envy if it affected you, maybe my timing this close to mother's day was bad. As you, I'm feeling a bit out of sorts of late. Hang in there, you are a wonderful mother, I can tell from your posts. I'll refrain from a hug, but you certainly deserve one!
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    There were many times, when Miss KT was in those lovely teen years, that I did not like her, did not love her, and was very, very sorry that I had ever decided to have a child, because I was obviously a complete and total failure as a mother. I even told Hubby I wanted another child, just so I would have another shot at being a good mom, and in the next moment, doubted my ability to properly care for a tortoise.

    I still don't know.
  11. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Most days, caring for difficult child is out of responsibility, not because I feel love for her. I honestly do not know how I feel, and to her I am just someone to take care of her. At this point in time, I don't see us having a relationship after she becomes an adult...not because that's what I want, but because to her I am the reason for all of her problems. It's hard to feel love for a child like that.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911


    You know I think after years of wiping noses, and butts, and caring, sharing, loving, and calling yourself Mom? You would sort of expect at the least to get a modicum of respect even IF the child that lived under your roof didn't come from your womb. Even IF the child that lived in your house, shared your life - had mental problems, history of any kind, genetic quagmire of an unknown kind. Then? Theres kt, wm, and my sister.

    For you? I only know the history of what you have told me and others here for the time and love and pain that you have invested in kt and wm. The sacrafice, effort, hard work, tears, heartache, anger, small joys when they came that you accepted as victories for them, not so much for your own. But what gets me about your kids? Or about any adoptee that is still "Well I think I'd be better off if I knew my bio mom" is WHERE is your grattitude? Okay I get all the "Im messed up in the head, and I have a genetic gene pool problem, and I'm not sure if Mommy and Daddy loved me issue." **** we all have that adopted or not and I know it all too well, I invested 30 some years of my life in messing up my own life and trying to figure it all out while holding myself together because I didn't even KNOW it was an issue - BUT IN THE MEAN TIME? You have to have SOME freakin respect for the woman that changed your crappin drawers, stayed up with you when you were sick, nursed you back to health, fed you, clothed you, made sure you got an education, read to you, played games with you, taught you about nature, colors, alphabet, life - death, got you toys, tucked you in at night, made the alligators go away that were under your bed, did special things for your , made you Easter baskets, made Christmas CHRISTMAS, played in the snow with you, took you for walks, showed you off to her family, loved you, cared for you - WANTED you - I mean JUST where in the blue blazes does wm or KT or my sister get off NOT even being appreciative of ANYONE - for that?

    Whether it was you - or the woman down the road - there is a level of gratitude that just IS - you know? Okay I get it - He has abandonment issues. But what about the abandonment he's doing RIGHT NOW to you? Doesn't that count for anything in his mind or is he just so dumb that he figures it's a wm world and only the woman that said "Here world do what you want with him cause I can't care for him?" deserves a kiss on the kiester?

    I just dont get kids like that. No matter HOW messed up I was - No matter HOW much I couldn't figure things out? I knew who took care of me - I KNEW where home STARTED.....and it wasn't with the woman that said "I give her up for adoption" It was with the woman that said "I WANT to ADOPT that child." And for THAT - those are where MY loyalites are. not that I have ill will or harbor any feelings one way or the other personally - but I'm not a 16 year old boy or girl - I was at one time and even then? I wasn't as disrespectful as them.

    So if it helps you to know? It's not you it's THEM? It is. Because you are a HELL of a Mother and you can tell them BOTH from another messed up adoptee I said so - you can tell them that I said they're both pretty ungrateful and should be ashamed of how they treat you and the lameass excuses they're shelling out -of "Oh I'm 15, I'm 16" By the time your 16 ms kt? You should KNOW full good and well where your loyalties lay - and that should be with the woman that gave you a life worth having - not the woman that gave you life. Makes me so mad I could just spit.

    There's nothing wrong with you or any other Mother here Linda - It's the absolute entitlement and ungratefulness of the children who think the world owes them a complete kiss on the kiester who should be ashamed for how they treat the woman they call Mother in one breath and then how they talk to her in the next. Calling names in one sentence then having the gall to ask for a dollar because they are so grown up the next minute, forgetting who puts a roof over their head, and clothes on their back - REAL grown up. Mothers Day? I think one day out of 365 isn't asking too much to be honored when the other 364 are spent loading on the chapstick to kiss a bunch of ungrateful kiesters......

    Consider me puckerd out. I wouldn't do a single other thing for a kid like that - I'd tell em to get their MOTHER to do it for em - then ask them where she is the next time they need a FAVOR or a meal or some AIR CONDITIONING.

    I love you Linda - You're too good a woman to feel like this. And that goes for the rest of you feeling like this too - Even My Mom - my sister needs to take a flying leap off a monkeys butt.

  13. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    A couple of people at work who know where difficult child is, asked if I thought he would call me for Mother's Day.


    Only if he's out of commissary money or if he thinks it will get him more money or sympathy.

    So yeah.....I'm with you Linda.
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    From the age of 14-16 I felt that way about Matt. I mean I would have the same fantasies as you describe. It was such a gross, somewhat claustrophobic feeling (not sure why claustrophobic) but I hated every second of it, and at times him. We fought like crazy I was an F- parent in my opinion. Then the day came that he was so out of control he had to go to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). The minute he left I felt every motherly feeling come back.

    I think it is hard in your situation because with wm you have really not had much time, if any to bond. So that leaves that relationship void of any depth to really tap into. And with kt you are bonded, but done with raising her. Done. If you were an animal you would kick her to the curb and not look back. Totally get it. But as humans we have to do all of these things to get them ready to "fly" - yet with difficult children they only want to sink. It is a hard, brutal, thing to watch - which makes one only get hard and cold inside.

    Totally understand.................hugs (even if you don't want them:))
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Actually I think it is terrific that you can share those real feelings. People have praised you, encouraged you, sent supportive hugs and prayers etc. for years. I don't think many people have given you permission to detach from the chaos. You have given your all. If you give it up tomorrow there is not a sane person in the world who would blame you. If you hang in for one or two years...that's your choice. I, for one, hope that you refocus on Linda and her remaining years. You deserve pleasure in your life. You deserve the reduction in stress that your body is demanding for your health. You deserve happiness. DDD
  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I know you're not asking for hugs, but I'm sending one anyway.

    Your feelings are completely understandable under the current circumstances, but you ARE every single inch a mom. You've raised, cared for and sacrificed and hurt for those kids. That is being a mom. It's like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz when he says (upon Dorothy's leaving) that he KNOWS he has a heart because he can feel it breaking.

    Only a mom can hurt like you have hurt for the tweedles.

    Last edited: May 7, 2011
  17. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I've detached more than ever before. I was to visit wm yesterday & chose not to go. kt is on notice here & I'm holding her to a level of decency that is expected. I'm done with the bio mom fantasies & other antics.

    kt & wm are damaged beyond repair. They cannot give, cannot see beyond themselves. wm is functioning at an 7 y/o level at best; kt likely around 10 or 11. Successes are few & far between. It's now time to really focus on getting them into some kind of group home. kt will run. wm I doubt will because he's totally lost with-o structure.

    I'm moving forward to my vocational rehab; I'm going to go back to PT to strengthen my body even more. I have a painting to finish for the state fair exhibits (hoping I get selected this year). Today I go out to buy myself flowers to celebrate my day.

    It's another loss - maybe not so much a loss. I just don't know.
  18. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    by the way, this is the first I've ever been so honest with myself. To say it out loud (here) is freeing. I'm sad & feel guilty. I've another 14 months til the tweedles are 18. I will finish my journey, my commitment but in a very detached state of mind.

    It's the only way I'll survive all this loss in my life.

    Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate all of your understanding & wisdom.
  19. ML

    ML Guest

    I can't say that exactly but I can say that I have had to grieve the loss of what I thought the mom/child relationship would be. For me, it was as much letting myself off the hook for not fulfiling an unrealistic ideal than anything.

    I know you werent' looking for this but I still have to tell you that your dedication over the years has been profoundly solid and unwavering. It is so hard to keep stepping in front of a bus over and over when they continue to treat us poorly. At some point that willingness to jump would naturally have to wane.

    I honor you today Linda.
  20. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Even mothers. You are in the process of detaching from what has become an abusive situation, hard as that is.

    Like ML, I honor your courage, and resolve to make the most of the rest of your life.