realization of me slowly coming

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Feb 10, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi to all

    i've posted alot jumped back and forth wtih thougths, seen others responses to it, listened to boyfriend, listened to therapist, spoke to a few very close friends, sat quietly and just thought of my life, the ups the downs, etc.

    i think i'm slowly coming to realization that somethings up with me. i'm an extremist always have been, it's either all or nothing happy or sad i'm never middle ground with anything.

    my therapist has said i have made impulsive decisions through my life, i'm an emotional person. i have always been viewed by many as a survivor as i'm sure many of us are. have always survived whatever crisis hit.

    yet i've been on a low for a while now. i've noticed certain behaviors of my own in watching difficult child now. i've been told by various people im exhibiting same behaviors as her. my life has been one drama after another, yet it hasn't always been created by me truly though not in denial here at all. i was the teenager who self medicated who drank bottles of vodka on a corner at 13, who smoked pot to quiet the pain, who wound up in a group home at age 14 due to fact i ran away from home. mom couldn't handle me at all. yet no one ever diagnosed me with anything other than being a child whose father walked out on her and who was suffering due to that. a difficult teenager is what i was diagnosed with. family members disowned me when i stole from my mother a few times, got caught high or drunk, no one put the hand out to help. i left home at 18 years old my mom bounced me around so much my head was spinning dear old dad verbally and some other abuse i bounced state to state with mom.

    so 18 went on my own, worked college at night achieved degree, had steady boyfriend i dumped him, made alot of money and wound up pregnant at 22 with having had one night with a friend. i was admanet i'd raise her on my own, and so i did totally alone, no family financial support or emotional i raised her. met my exdh when she was 4, we dated for year then moved in together and married soon after marriage we had little difficult child. we thought our lives would be perfect. yet it was not looking back not sure whose fault it was but he was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) very bad and it drove me nuts we were like oil and water. so we split my decision that was 7 years ago now.

    well that's a little of my life felt like spilling a bit.

    things i've noticed i had mentioned to somoene earlier in another post she was kind enough to share her life and struggles till the diagnosis. i've spent money recklessly thru different periods of my life when depressed ive gone thru ups and downs and back again. i don't seem to remain consistent for too long. i'm either happy adn smiling and flying high or scraping bottom of barrel i guess.

    so weird i never thought of me, never took the time to see me my behaviors. not sure if i'm seeing things clearly right now. few close friends have said i go from happy to sad to irritabel with no transition necessary. my difficult child's doctor said i'm exhibiting behaviors of difficult child bouncing all over the place. not sure about the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) thing i know i like my day a certain way and when it's thrown off by her not wanting to go to school it's difficult for me to save the day and go ahead with a diff schedule i do it yet very uncomfortably.

    so here i sit feeling like my heads going to explode today for some reason, notsure why alot of pressure. managed to buy food so ifeel good about that i did leave house. i do feeel better when i get out and get air. but i came back home again to relax with older difficult child who is sick.

    i'm very tired. i'm guessing i need to not only take care of medical stuff that's been going on with me but also need to sit with pysch. and explain all of this and start tracking my own behaviors as well as difficult child's.

    wow thanks for letting me get that out. that was a long one.........:)

  2. ML

    ML Guest

    Good for you, Jennifer. I'm proud of you for being willing to look at yourself objectively. It takes a lot of courage to question the patterns and issues going on in our lives and question the possiblity of our own contributions. I know that a lot of stuff going on in my life is a result of living out some consequenses of choices I've made. The trick is to figure all this out so we don't repeat the same mistakes. Be gentle with ourself while you take this journey to self discovery. Thinking of you with love, ML
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks for your kind words

    i've done the self discovery thing alot though, and umm i'm

    think i need to do it under the careful observation of a pyschiatrist this time so i dont miss it again......... so much for the self help area of the book store :)

    thanks again

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    LOL....self help books. If only it was that easy.

    Good for you girl. I do have to say that you seem very manicky in your writing lately. Everything is pouring out almost in a rapid speech sort of way. I would venture a guess that your thoughts are running all over the place in your head and it makes it hard to finish one thought before another starts. That can make it really hard to concentrate on getting anything done.

    Your teen years sound very similar to mine. Consider yourself a survivor. There are some good books out about bipolar that you can read to see if anything jumps out and slaps you in the face saying...omg...that is me! The first one that did it for me was The Bipolar Child. Then I read others about teens and adults. Danielle Steele's book about her son is very good.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    so funny well not funny but yes i do have that feeling lately yet i'm sleeping alot, rather i want to sleep alot. it's all i want to do. i noticed it hey you know what sh*t happens, i think people here started catching onto it then the seed was planted. thank god for that though. it's too insane it really is. i've had a rough time of it relationships, raising my kids, jobs (this one i have is longest i've ever had 5 years). yet my life has been one little upset after another.....see here's the thing though it hasn't always been my fault. yes thoughts are non stop
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wait just thought of this i do the samething at office at times. other co workers will get my emails and say woo jen slow down they have no idea what it is i want from them. 1 plus 1 equals 2??? lol
  7. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member

    Wanting to sleep all the time is definitely a sign of depression. From things you've described, it sounds like you are depressed and for a long time, though you were able to pull yourself out of it for a while. You need to take care of you or you can't take care of your kids. The first step is realizing that you need help. You've done that, so make sure that you take the next step.

    Dealing with our kids with issues takes a lot out of a person. It's okay to get help for ourselves. If not, things can take a turn and spiral out of control.

    Keep us posted Jennifer.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks i appreciate it and i will beleive me i will i'm writing constantly now......i don't even need them to be read just gotta get them out.. yup i need a diary of some type.

    i don't know if it's bi polar, depression, who knows. the doctor says i am depressed but who wouldnt' be with both kids being let's just say out of control, and little by little losing my job.

    just got off the phone with a friend with whom i've known for quite sometime and i said ok what do you think of this, what do you see from me? i mentioned the bi polar thing to see the reaction i'd get. it's hard sometimes to see yourself, to think out of the box regarding your own behaviors. so much easier to see it with others, make sense?

    i just know i feel like **** most of the time, i have my good moments though i truly do where i'll laugh and actually enjoy myself their still there. it's just well sunday night and tmrw's monday me getting on train going far away from both difficult child's now makes me very nervous indeed. always waiting for school phone call now from either school, never knowing what will happen will she get up in the a.m. i gave her chlonidine tonight because i need my rest and so does she.