hi to all
i've posted alot jumped back and forth wtih thougths, seen others responses to it, listened to boyfriend, listened to therapist, spoke to a few very close friends, sat quietly and just thought of my life, the ups the downs, etc.
i think i'm slowly coming to realization that somethings up with me. i'm an extremist always have been, it's either all or nothing happy or sad i'm never middle ground with anything.
my therapist has said i have made impulsive decisions through my life, i'm an emotional person. i have always been viewed by many as a survivor as i'm sure many of us are. have always survived whatever crisis hit.
yet i've been on a low for a while now. i've noticed certain behaviors of my own in watching difficult child now. i've been told by various people im exhibiting same behaviors as her. my life has been one drama after another, yet it hasn't always been created by me truly though not in denial here at all. i was the teenager who self medicated who drank bottles of vodka on a corner at 13, who smoked pot to quiet the pain, who wound up in a group home at age 14 due to fact i ran away from home. mom couldn't handle me at all. yet no one ever diagnosed me with anything other than being a child whose father walked out on her and who was suffering due to that. a difficult teenager is what i was diagnosed with. family members disowned me when i stole from my mother a few times, got caught high or drunk, no one put the hand out to help. i left home at 18 years old my mom bounced me around so much my head was spinning dear old dad verbally and some other abuse i bounced state to state with mom.
so 18 went on my own, worked college at night achieved degree, had steady boyfriend i dumped him, made alot of money and wound up pregnant at 22 with having had one night with a friend. i was admanet i'd raise her on my own, and so i did totally alone, no family financial support or emotional i raised her. met my exdh when she was 4, we dated for year then moved in together and married soon after marriage we had little difficult child. we thought our lives would be perfect. yet it was not looking back not sure whose fault it was but he was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) very bad and it drove me nuts we were like oil and water. so we split my decision that was 7 years ago now.
well that's a little of my life felt like spilling a bit.
things i've noticed i had mentioned to somoene earlier in another post she was kind enough to share her life and struggles till the diagnosis. i've spent money recklessly thru different periods of my life when depressed ive gone thru ups and downs and back again. i don't seem to remain consistent for too long. i'm either happy adn smiling and flying high or scraping bottom of barrel i guess.
so weird i never thought of me, never took the time to see me my behaviors. not sure if i'm seeing things clearly right now. few close friends have said i go from happy to sad to irritabel with no transition necessary. my difficult child's doctor said i'm exhibiting behaviors of difficult child bouncing all over the place. not sure about the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) thing i know i like my day a certain way and when it's thrown off by her not wanting to go to school it's difficult for me to save the day and go ahead with a diff schedule i do it yet very uncomfortably.
so here i sit feeling like my heads going to explode today for some reason, notsure why alot of pressure. managed to buy food so ifeel good about that i did leave house. i do feeel better when i get out and get air. but i came back home again to relax with older difficult child who is sick.
i'm very tired. i'm guessing i need to not only take care of medical stuff that's been going on with me but also need to sit with pysch. and explain all of this and start tracking my own behaviors as well as difficult child's.
wow thanks for letting me get that out. that was a long one.........
jen
i've posted alot jumped back and forth wtih thougths, seen others responses to it, listened to boyfriend, listened to therapist, spoke to a few very close friends, sat quietly and just thought of my life, the ups the downs, etc.
i think i'm slowly coming to realization that somethings up with me. i'm an extremist always have been, it's either all or nothing happy or sad i'm never middle ground with anything.
my therapist has said i have made impulsive decisions through my life, i'm an emotional person. i have always been viewed by many as a survivor as i'm sure many of us are. have always survived whatever crisis hit.
yet i've been on a low for a while now. i've noticed certain behaviors of my own in watching difficult child now. i've been told by various people im exhibiting same behaviors as her. my life has been one drama after another, yet it hasn't always been created by me truly though not in denial here at all. i was the teenager who self medicated who drank bottles of vodka on a corner at 13, who smoked pot to quiet the pain, who wound up in a group home at age 14 due to fact i ran away from home. mom couldn't handle me at all. yet no one ever diagnosed me with anything other than being a child whose father walked out on her and who was suffering due to that. a difficult teenager is what i was diagnosed with. family members disowned me when i stole from my mother a few times, got caught high or drunk, no one put the hand out to help. i left home at 18 years old my mom bounced me around so much my head was spinning dear old dad verbally and some other abuse i bounced state to state with mom.
so 18 went on my own, worked college at night achieved degree, had steady boyfriend i dumped him, made alot of money and wound up pregnant at 22 with having had one night with a friend. i was admanet i'd raise her on my own, and so i did totally alone, no family financial support or emotional i raised her. met my exdh when she was 4, we dated for year then moved in together and married soon after marriage we had little difficult child. we thought our lives would be perfect. yet it was not looking back not sure whose fault it was but he was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) very bad and it drove me nuts we were like oil and water. so we split my decision that was 7 years ago now.
well that's a little of my life felt like spilling a bit.
things i've noticed i had mentioned to somoene earlier in another post she was kind enough to share her life and struggles till the diagnosis. i've spent money recklessly thru different periods of my life when depressed ive gone thru ups and downs and back again. i don't seem to remain consistent for too long. i'm either happy adn smiling and flying high or scraping bottom of barrel i guess.
so weird i never thought of me, never took the time to see me my behaviors. not sure if i'm seeing things clearly right now. few close friends have said i go from happy to sad to irritabel with no transition necessary. my difficult child's doctor said i'm exhibiting behaviors of difficult child bouncing all over the place. not sure about the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) thing i know i like my day a certain way and when it's thrown off by her not wanting to go to school it's difficult for me to save the day and go ahead with a diff schedule i do it yet very uncomfortably.
so here i sit feeling like my heads going to explode today for some reason, notsure why alot of pressure. managed to buy food so ifeel good about that i did leave house. i do feeel better when i get out and get air. but i came back home again to relax with older difficult child who is sick.
i'm very tired. i'm guessing i need to not only take care of medical stuff that's been going on with me but also need to sit with pysch. and explain all of this and start tracking my own behaviors as well as difficult child's.
wow thanks for letting me get that out. that was a long one.........
jen
