Really, Am I Asking For Much?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Jan 31, 2011.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    So, difficult child is throwing a fit last night because I asked him to empty the dishwasher. OMG, you would have thought that I had asked the kid to commit ritual suicide the way he was reacting. So he on a path to a total meltdown for 40 minutes, yelling at me, following me around the house when I tried to walk away from him, threatening to kill himself if I didn't give him back his video games, and where is husband?? Sitting in the basement, listening to the whole thing while surfing the net. I had to ask him to come up and help me, which he did. As soon as husband stepped in difficult child walked away from me. So, husband goes back down to the basement and I go down and ask him why I have to ASK for help when he can clearly hear that things are spinning out of control? His answer? He didn't know that I needed him.

    I mean, really, am I asking for too much? For him to step in without having to ask for help? And why do I always have to ask? Why can't he just step up to the plate and be the parent that he's supposed to be? Why does parenting for the father get to be a choice and for me it's a responsibility?

  2. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    No, you're not asking too much....but some people just can't give. Is he like this about everything? Does he avoid confrontation? My X is a huge conflict avoider, so I know a little bit about this. Sending hugs.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I wonder if it's a guy thing?

    My husband is generally a good guy....but he just doesn't "tune in" to everything that's happening around him. And then I'll have to specifically ask him to step in and help...and his first response is always "I didn't realize there was a problem."

    Like the other night, husband was on the computer and difficult child launches into one of her screaming fits. I immediately make sure that DS is safe and I motion husband to come and help. husband says "Why? What's going on?"

    What???? "What's going on?"???? The neighbors can hear difficult child screaming!!!! But husband didn't notice until it was pointed out to him...
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I had this out with husband once. His logic was that I knew he was there and that sometimes stepping in can make it worse so he was waiting to follow my lead since I am the one who is most in tune to the kids (since I'm a stay at home mom). He did step in instantly when Kanga got physical but if it is just some yelling, he waits for my cue.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Pretty sure it's a guy thing... My Mom even agrees. They just don't notice, a lot of the time.
  6. Castle Queen

    Castle Queen Guest

    This is exactly the way my ex was. Only difference was, when I asked him for help he'd berate me for being unable to handle the situation, instead of addressing the situation himself.

    Guess that's one reason he's an ex and ya'all are still hangin' in there.
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Totally think it is a guy thing - not to be stereo typical - but problems can be beating some guys over the head (literally in you case) and they would rather ignore them than deal with them.
    And don't you think it is totally interesting how your difficult child stops once dad is involved? It is almost like a mental mind game between son and father.
  8. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    I think for us it is well you are handling it why should I butt in? Definitely a guy, conflict avoider thing.
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Pepperidge, that was exactly it for husband. He heard me trying to deal with it so didn't bother to get involved because I had things "under control". But, after you hear it going on for a half hour, do you think that I really have things under control?

  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The key here isn't that he isn't noticing, it is to teach him to notice. husband and I had a long hard road until I got that through his head. It almost destroyed our marriage because he couldn't understand what I thought the "big deal" with Wiz' thoughts and behaviors were and I was so hurt and angry because he ignored Wiz' rages/gfgness because I could "handle" it.

    In the future, call husband as soon as difficult child goes off on you. If husband is home, then he needs to be trained to come at the first sounds of a problem whenever it is possible. If difficult child goes off because you wanted him to do a chore, call husband and ask him to get difficult child to do the chore, or to help him calm down or whatever you want/need from husband. If we just go along and handle things with-o telling them that we need them to step in/support us/provide that united front, then we cannot really blame them for not stepping in. We let them (husband's) get away with it with griping after the fact but not really asking them to do what we need them to do.

    So next time, call husband before it gets to the 5 min mark. Be consistent with this with both husband and difficult child, and reward husband for coming and helping. That way he will begin to learn that an uproar is a crisis that both parents need to handle, NOT "normal stuff" that Mom can handle like she does the chores, etc...

    What you are asking is NOT too much, but it does require training of the husband if he has gone this far with-o really having to pay attention.