Really Cruddy Day

[Hound dog]

I am overwhelmed.

Lawyer said the bank is still telling her there was no policy. They have one for incase of illness or injury, not death.

I need to bring in bank statements for husband's two accts. That would be fine, except easy child threw them out stating they'd give us new ones. Or if she didn't I certainly can't find them. The ones I saved were freaking ads for d@mn credit cards.

I can't call the lawyer because my cell is at easy child's house.

I've spent the morning searching for the d@mn bank statements...........I have to watch the boys in 20 mins.

Nichole has scheduled a family dinner tomorrow and is coming down early to visit.

I don't want company.

I don't want to watch the boys.

I don't want to deal with the d@mn banks. I don't want to deal with the d@mn lawyer.

I'm fed up with this mad scurry to clean up the horrid paperwork mess husband left behind, with very little info, and being unable to find most of it..........

I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to see people. I want to be left alone. TOTALLY alone. I want some time to just sit and lick my wounds in peace.

They can have the d@mn house. I'll put the pets down and walk away. I can't afford it anyway. Oh no, wait, can't put the pets down, I can't afford it.

I'm sick of constantly fighting my memory because the stress won't let up long enough for me to think.

WTF does the lawyer need the acct balance for anyway? They have his SS number for godsake, the bank knows what the 2 accts are. The kicker to this is when easy child or sister in law withdrew money they didn't get receipts so that I would have that to show a balance. No they didn't take a dime. But that could've been used to show the d@mn balance!

And yes I'm freaking and I know I'm freaking. I've had 2 months of none stop h*ll and I've not had any chance for a breather.

I'll go watch the boys cuz I have no choice. Seems I have no choice over anything anymore...........it's just you have to call this person no that person, now you should be able to poof come up with this paper or that paper or this thing or that thing..........you have to pay this bill or that bill or this costs this or that costs that..........

I feel like the d@mn ball in a pinball machine.

ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

What do I want to do? Get into my car and start driving and not look back........ever. I'm done. I don't want anything anymore. They can have it all. I'm tired of fighting and working my *** off for nothing. I'm tired of always being the one to hold it together, of having to pick up the pieces, of having to go on with a brave face and a d@mn smile. I'm tired of being brave, I'm tired of always pushing forward, I'm tired. TIRED.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Lisa I'm so saddened to see this all unfolding as it is. I wish I had words but they would seem cliche. Instead I'm merely sending warm hugs, prayers and wanting you to know it is okay to take a day or two to let yourself just BE. We are here.

 

[Mamaof5]

Have you hit up a doctor to see if you can add an anti-d, are you already on one and need an adjustment? A grievance counselor? group for grieving perhaps. I think you need to tell people to buzz off and leave you alone for a few days. I'm pretty sure they would understand. You haven't had a moment to really grieve, to let your feelings flow and really let them out. Isn't the lawyer suppose to be doing all that bank stuff for you? Including supping the bank info? (she can get a court to order it can't she). You need some time to yourself.

The banks did that to H's aunt when his uncle died. There WAS a policy to pay off the mortgage, they just don't like doing it despite it being there. They try to get out of it as much as possible because it's considered overhead and a loss to them. The lawyer should be pushing hard to get the policy in her hands to go over it. They don't need the balance, it's a stall tactic.

 

[buddy]

Really soft shoulder for you.... anyway you can just say enough for today? At least today that is? Is there some deadline that makes this all necessary today??

I wish so badly we could just pop over and support you in person. I know you want to be alone, but I wish someone could be there just to listen, not judge and not push you to do anything. You need a break for sure. I can't imagine anyone going through what you're going through without having a total meltdown at some point.

Keep typing and venting here, if you can, stop looking, do it another day. (I had a mini crisis, desperate to find something last night, and I dont have near the life trauma you have now, so it makes me think, Imagine what I went through times 100!....I imagine that is what is happening to you...just overwhelmed to the max. I am truly sorry for it)

I hope you can find a way to get a bit of a break. Any online grief groups?

 

[Liahona]

I have that temptation. Just get in the car and drive away. I second the motion to just take a few days and turn your brain off. A good book or video game or staring at a blank wall if you want. Anything to de-stress if only for a bit. Blame it on the cell phone; can't call anyone because you lost your cell phone. Kids like movies. Park the boys in front of a movie.

 

[AnnieO]

Lisa, I don't have any advice... But I'm here for you.

Tell Nichole you love her but you need to reschedule for later, you need some down time.

Then, do something for you. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just vegetate.

More

 

[DaisyFace]

Many gentle ((((hugs))))

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs*

Hate to suggest it, but maybe next time you sit in the lawyer's office, just burst into tears and don't stop. I bet someone figures out something helpful then. I think you could drive in any direction and find a friend.

 

[shellyd67]

Lisa, I wish I could make it all go away and make it better. I wish lived close by so I could come and help you organize and sort thru a life's worth of paperwork. I cannot do either but know that I pray that you find some peace very, very soon.

In the meantime, seeing a Dr. is not a bad idea.

You seem to have some kind and supportive kids and if you need to lean on them for a change go right ahead !!

 

[Malika]

You have seemed incredibly strong through all of this and maybe now is the time you have to break down a little and really grieve. Please do surround yourself with all the support you can get. The financial worries just adds extra heartache and anxiety that you do not need. Others seem to have given good suggestions. We don't know each other but my warmest wishes to you.

 

[Steely]

Lisa - like Malika said - you have been so strong through all of this. Now all of reality is hitting you like a Tsunamia - and it feels unbearable. Really it is unbearable - we just don't have a choice whether or not to bear it.

I was just thinking today about how impossible death is. It seems the ripple effects continue forever. You don't just have the feelings of grief from the loved one's death, but you have all the physical real world implications that pile up faster than you can take them down. I watched my Mom do this when my Dad passed - and I tried to help. Yet, in helping her, I put my life on hold - as well as geographically relocating - so now I am feeling the endless weight of reality. I moved my whole life, and put my career on hold to help my Dad pass on - and now, like you - I have more things to "fix" or "do" more than I can wrap my brain around. I often forget it is because of my Dad dying that this all started - and then I remember it is really because H died - that I absolutely had to stop my life for my Dad (did I really?). Life is now this huge relentless waterfall of manure, that seems to be constantly demanding my attention - and I am with you - TIRED. DONE. FINITO.

And then you add in difficult children, and in your case grandkids - geez. My difficult child is making progress - but at 21 he really is like a 16 yo. Constant issues and fires that need to be handled. And to think we have lived our whole adult lives like this really - in the eye of their storm.

I know, I am not being too uplifting - sorry - but I guess I just needed you to know I get it. I cried when I read your post, because you could be me. You wrote everything that I am feeling - or have felt. I would do anything to have a magic answer - but I don't. The only thing I can say is - you are NOT alone. This too will pass. Take the time you need for YOU....and grieve. Tell Nichole that you cannot babysit right now - tell everyone that you are per-disposed for awhile, and let yourself heal. I am sending you a thousand hugs......

 

[KTMom91]

Many, many hugs, Lisa. I wish I had some way to help you.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Lisa, just throwing out an idea. I can call my bank anytime and get a bank balance any time on either mine or SO's account - as long as I have the account number and the last 4 digits of his SS number- there was no dealing with a live person. I also signed up on line with my mortgage company - I pay them thru my own bank, but have info on mortgage stuff at hand if I need it.

My aunt was taking care of my mothers bills. After my mother accused her of stealing her money, my aunt wanted OFF her account. I couldn't get added without going to OHIO and presenting an ID, and I coudn't open an account here for her without her going into MY bank and presenting an ID, so I set up on line banking with her bank (didn't need to talk to anyone - just needed address and SS number). I paid her bills from there - they never knew of the set up. And from there I could get past statements if I needed them (didn't) and could have the statements from then on delivered electronically.

I don't know how they work probate in Ohio, but here, without a will, it could take up to a year or more (and they collect taxes on the value of the house when it is settled, some kind of inheritance tax). I am going to put my house in the name of a Living Trust, with Jamie and myself as trustees - that way if something happens to me, he will take over as trustee, won't have to pay any probate taxes or having the house go thru probate.

With my mom passing this year, and his mom who has moved in but has spent more time in the hospital than she has out, SO and I have learned a lot, the hard way. His mom has been paying on a "funeral policy" for a few years - I think its like 37.00 a month, to cover her expenses when that time comes. Not an elaborate plan as she wants to be creamated, but we don't have to panic when the time comes, its all covered (with some money left over). Advance Care directives have been done, and I have a paper which names Jamie as having Power of Attorney in case something happens and I am unable to make financial decisions. Some of the paperwork can be done without an attorney - I went to Legal Zoom.com and signed up with them to get some of the paperwork so I could download it.

Marcie

 

[Hound dog]

I'm feeling a bit better tonight. It was a bad moment............like I said, I was freaking. And you guys always listen, so I freaked out on you.

It's not just the grieving process, it's the unrelenting anxiety it's triggered. This whole, you gotta do it now thing just makes it worse. I'm lucky to step foot out my door and no one realizes how absolutely hard that is for me to do. Same with talking on the telephone.

The lawyer just asked for the balance and my brain did it's shut down thing on her. It was some mins before I could even speak coherently. And I know she noticed because of her reaction. I know the acct balance, easy child knows the acct balance as she saw it the last time we withdrew money. I'm pretty darn sure I saw a statement for this month because I'd had a rather enormous panic attack I'd been spending too much money and I remember being relieved it was no where what I'd thought I might have spent. I'm thinking I set it aside instead of putting it into my bill holder thing on my desk like I thought I did. But it shouldn't matter. The bank knows which accts are husband's due to his SS number. He had 2, one for unemployment and one for SS which could have funds added to it. The unemployment one is empty.

My brain has been doing the shut down thing a lot lately, and quite frankly it scares the hades out of me when it does it. It's like this enormous black void, seriously. Scary stuff. No thought, no nothing. A huge literal duh moment that can last from a few seconds to hours. That by the way is NOT helping the anxiety either. ugh

I did it with the lawyer on the phone then I did it again shortly before I posted. I get a tad nutty when it happens.

So far no one is talking probate, not even the lawyer. What I'm being told is that it is a simple process of getting me appointed executor as husband's wife. (doesn't sound so simple to me, but what do I know)

She said I had illness and injury on it. Well, then it STILL ought to be covered. husband had a massive heart attack which gave him a terminal illness which he died from. Duh. This whole thing about this mortgage insurance is really driving me nuts because I know d@mn good and well we had it. Insurance co we have now is the same insurance co we had the day we signed the house papers. Loan co is the same loan co we had the day we signed those papers. And if I'm gonna pay a lawyer good money, she better work her tail off to figure out who is responsible and make them pay off.

And I would walk into the lawyers office and go all blubbery female on her if I could, but I can't. I can't even fake that sort of behavior. At best it would last about 30 seconds.

I'll take her the original house closing paperwork (I think I have most of it), the original insurance papers, and talk to her a bit more. That's all I can do.

Tonight I'm treating myself to some really good rum. I'm not going for numb, I'd just be grateful if my muscles would untwist out of the knots they've been in for weeks and relax a bit.

 

[1905]

Lisa, I wish I could help you in some way. I'm glad you're relaxing and having an enjoyable evening. I'm so sorry you are going through all this, many hugs.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Lisa...

* pouring a nice cuppa tea with a tad of honey in it, and pulling up your favorite footstool that you forgot you had... *

This too, will pass.
But... its tough going through the wringer.

 

[Liahona]

Could the lawyer make them pay it because you are injured? The whole Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) brain shut down thing?

I'm very glad you don't have to leave the house or use the phone to talk to us. This is a very good place to vent to.

 

[hearts and roses]

Sending hugs Lisa, I hope your evening went well.

Fwiw, I do think you need to say no more often than usual right now, with all you're going through. Really, hugs, wish I could help you in person.

 

[Rabbit]

sending hugs and letting u know u r in my prayers Rabbit

 

[HaoZi]

Did he have any life insurance at all, or death benefits from the military? Hang in there hon. *hugs*