Really need some advice here...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PatriotsGirl, Aug 31, 2010.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Since difficult child has been gone - it has been amazingly peaceful in my home. My son is coming out of his bedroom more and just seems so much happier. How sad that one person could be so toxic on a household.
    She texted me over the weekend saying she wanted to come home. I said absolutely not. That I had arranged for her to have a home up north. She then asked if she went up north, could she take her doggie. Nana said yes, so she was going to bring doggie and go to Nana's house. I then get a text that night stating she has found a place to live and that her and a friend were geting an apartment. Can you say delusional?? The girl has never had a job in her entire life, never mind being able to hold one and pay bills!
    She went to her PO yesterday - on her own - one positive step! PO calls me and says difficult child wants to come home. Again, I tell her I cannot trust this child in my home and I refuse to have some one in my home that I am supporting that looks at us and tells us to f off, etc. difficult child calls me after the appointment and said PO was lying, she does not want to come home, we don't want her here, etc. She wanted more clothes so I told her on two different occasions yesterday that she could come by in the evening while we are home, or the next afternoon while I was home. What did she do? Leaves the PO office, sits outside of the house waiting for my son to come home from school and waltzes right in the house behind him!! This further proves to me that any rule I set WILL indeed be broken.
    My son told me that she was saying that everyone in her family hates her. :( I don't hate her and I know she may feel that way. I am mad. Still very, very mad. How could I not be?? I feel so violated! She had this person in my ome going through my things and in my bedroom going through my things!! It hasn't even been a week - she has not learned a thing. I checked the cell records and she is on the phone all day and all night - she has not slept in days. I know she only wants to come home to crash.
    BUt my heart strings are pulled everytime I hear her say you don't want me there (which is true - just very sad), or that we hate her. I could never hate her. With all she has already put me through, I could never hate her.
    Anyway, my issue is that her PO said we are responsible for her until she actually turns 17 in a month. I have to go to court for her shoplifting charge this Friday. We have a feeling the judge is going to force us to bring her back here. I cannot go back to how we were. I just can't. I told her PO she can come back home after she has completed a 90 day rehab program and sees a psychiatrist for MUCH needed medications (she was a completely different person on prozac and I am DYING to have that girl back again!). PO says they cannot force her to do that. What???? Um, Lindsay Lohan??? What do you mean they can't order that?? So, now what?? I am supposed to allow this girl back into my home wreaking the same havoc she did before? And what does this teach her? That she can say what ever she wants to us, behave how ever she wants, and we will have to let her live here? What sense does that make? What in the world do I do?
    My husband is worried if I tell the judge she cannot come back here that child services will get involved and we will lose our other child. I do not see how that could possibly happen but that is his fear.
    I am panicked here and I don't know what to do - any help is greatly appreciated!!!
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Look into some programs. Check with them on the legality/process of a parent signing in a minor child. I guess I had always heard around here that until they are 18 years old, a parent CAN sign them into a treatment program and they MUST stay there. Once they are 18, they are considered an adult and can not be forced into treatment.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    The judge cannot force you to take her into your house. He can force you to make sure she has a safe, appropriate place to sleep. You already have that-at Nana's. Do you have a neighbor that is home during the day that your son can go to if she is waiting for him again?

    I get the same grief from Kanga about her being placed out of our home. It is true we don't want her here. It is sad. But when they making such horrible, unsafe choices...we are left with only one safe option.

    As far as ordering rehab, that is a state by state issue, you may want to do a websearch or call the DA and ask what the limits are in your state.

  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Don't let her get to you with all the guilt inducing talk. It's pure manipulation. You don't want her in your home because of her horrid behavior, not because you have throw away children.
    I am not really familiar with the legal system so I don't know if they allow a parent to talk and explain your concerns. Now that you have said she can't come home, you need to stick to it or she is always going to use that as her mode of controlling you. Once you say something, you have to follow through.
    I hope they allow her to go to Nana's. Hope Nana is in for a bumpy ride. You might want to have a back up plan because difficult child's tend to wear through their welcome at other relatives houses pretty quickly.

    Sorry she is being a difficult child and dragging the family into it's own type of ****.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree, you don't want her in your home because of HER behavior. Period.
    You can tell her that you are upset with-her and expect better behaviors, in addition to which, you need a break. Period. Don't get into drawn-out discussions or she'll just distort things.
    If you need a lawyer, get one. Otherwise, make a list of things she's done that are against the law (and the dates, like a timeline) and the times she has broken things in the house or hurt others physcially or has verbally abused you, and bring it to court to show the judge.
    I'm so sorry that she is irresponsible about taking medications and that she hasn't slept in days. Sheesh.
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Getting my ducks in a row now. I have called a treatment facility and have arranged to bring her straight there from the courthouse for an evaluation and she said from what she hears, we have enough to have her qualify for admittance. There, she will get drug rehab treatment and psychiatric treatment. I am going to call her PO and inform her of my plan. I am also going to call the place she has weekly drug counseling and get a copy of their records to show the judge. I don't see how the judge wouldn't back me up on that one, right? This girl needs help and this appears to me by last ditch effort to get it!
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    If they let you make a statement,
    "Your honor, difficult child continues to engage in illegal and unsafe behavior despite being on probation. As you can see from her records from XYZ Drug Rehab Center, she continues to test positive for drugs. She refuses to listen to reasonable instructions from us. She has allowed at least one felon into our home and assisted him in stealing our belongings. She threatens violence against us including her younger brother. She has waited for him outside the home in order to get him alone to force him to allow her into the home. We do not want to see her continue on this path of illegal, destructive behavior. We have tried counseling, a variety of parenting techniques, and the court has tried community service and probation. These methods have not reached her. I have arranged with ABC Treatment Facility for an inpatient admission screening and they have indicated to me that based on her current behaviors, they expect to admit her for drug rehab treatment and psychiatric treatment. They are expecting us today if she is not remanded to the custody of Department of Juvenile Justice. I ask you to find her delinquent on the shoplifting charge and suspend sentencing until she completes the treatment program. If, for any reason, the treatment facility does not accept her or she runs, we will inform the court immediately so that different sanctions can be imposed."

    If they ask about her not being allowed home...

    "Your honor, I also have a 12 year old son. I believe that I have an obligation to provide both of my children with a safe environment. Due to difficult child's increasing violence in our home, that has become impossible for us to do under one roof. I have arranged for difficult child to live with her grandmother in Such-n-such town. Her grandmother has no minor children in the home and has the added benefit of removing her from her social current group."

    As far as her cell phone goes, I would activate all of the safety measures available from your provider. Most offer:

    1. limited calling circle (ie. if you don't 'approve' the number, she can't call them)
    2. prohibit sending or receiving picture and video texts (stop visual sexting)
    3. send a copy of all texts that she sends or receives to either your phone or your computer
    4. tracker (let's you know where her phone is (which is generally where she is) at all times; you can set your phone to have an alarm go off is she gets within a certain distance pf your house
    5. limit the hours that her phone works (except 911, that will always be available)

    Good luck!
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    JJJ - you rock!!! I am printing this out to take with me! Though, she does not have a history of violence. I am printing off her cellphone records to show the evaluation counselor that she has been up for four days straight (can't do that with out abusing some kind of drug). I have requested a copy of her records from the outpatient treatment facility and I have asked her PO for a short letter of recommendation for the inpatient program. I am also going to get her regular doctor to write something about the anger blow up he saw the last time she was there and he said she needed help. I am trying to gather all the information I can to show that she NEEDS this inpatient program and psychiatric care.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    JJJ has it right. She has been through a lot of this.

    IF they try to force you to have her come home, tell them that she is a bad and dangerous influence on your younger child, and that having her in the home is a danger to his physical, mental and emotional safety.

    IF child services gets involved they will soon see that you are doing all you can to make sure your other child is safe. IF they are to take a child, it would be because the places they have to live are unsafe. difficult child has Gma's, your other son has home. If you bring her back home it is quite possible that child services will move - to take easy child and leave difficult child with you!!! It is a whole lot easier and cheaper to find a place for a easy child to stay than for a difficult child.

    If the courts are to pay for rehab there is a strong chance they just won't - nobody has any money to enforce it. If you can pay for it privately you might have a chance. Of course it never hurts to ask.

    Stay tough, don't let her come home, it isn't a good thing for anyone, including her.
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    The place I contacted takes our insurance so the State doesn't have to pay for anything - they just have to back me up that she needs to go. I mean, she is under 18 - surely I can admit her for treatment?!
  11. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    You've gotten lots of good advice from the others. Just want to reinforce that it's important to tell her that you love her; it's her behavior that you don't want -- and won't allow -- in your home. I have said that countless times in response to "You don't want me here." They may not see the distinction you're making between them and their behavior right away, but someday they will.

    Hugs. I know it's awful.
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    She called me crying saying she was hungry and asked for money for food. I told her I would bring her to eat but no cash. While we were eating, she cried the entire time. Talked about how it felt to be hungry and not know where you are going to be that night. She had been staying at a drug house. She was broken. She claims she doesn't want to live this way. Though, I will admit at least she looked good. She looked clean - not like when she was strung out. Begged me not to drop her back off where she was. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. How can you knowingly drop your child off at a crackhouse?? So, she agreed to get treatment and start taking her medications again (prozac - yay!!!!!!!). I have been calling EVERYWHERE to get her to a psychiatric appointment and the soonest I could get was September 23rd. This is my last shot. My last chance of getting her help. She asked that her phone number be changed so she cannot receive calls from people looking for drugs anymore. That is a start, right? I know. I know. I caved. I feel weak. I feel like I have failed every one. I swore I wouldn't let her back here again. And I caved. Hard. :(
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It IS a start. Take her straight to the rehab place that takes your insurance!! She NEEDS professional help for this just like she would if she had cancer!!!! You CANNOT fix her at home.

    To have the best chance of true recovery and sobriety, please, please, please take her to AA or NA meetings several times a day until she gets a bed at the rehab facility.

    Be forewarned, many of us have had kids who begged like your child did, and then the next day or a couple of weeks later they go back to the drugs. Some sources say it takes an average of 7 times in rehab of some kind for an addict/alcoholic to get to the point where they stay sober for long periods of time (one day at a time, of course).

    My prayers and hopes are with you!! The phone is a very good sign!!