Really scared

[Elsi]

But I wonder if the police are the ones doing the tracing is it really appropriate? Eg if a kidnap victim is being traced by phone is it good for the kidnapper to know that?

I wondered about this as well, and if the police have ways of tracking when they have a warrent bypasses this notification. It sounds like they did not track directly but had Beta and her husband work with their carrier. That’s why I was wondering if he was still on their plan, and if this was more of a ‘track my family members’ feature rather than something police would do. I am assuming a cell phone carrier would not allow me to just call and trace anyone.

My town has a 24/ 7 police crisis team of counselors who will respond when called by an officer. They are not a first call. They do not respond to a potentially violent situation which would put them in harm's way. They may respond in the background perhaps. But typically the police would see such a person to the ER. They do respond routinely to domestic situations. They are there to provide guidance to the police as needed.

I wish all places had this! Sadly my experience mirrors SWOT’s.

The police should not be forced to do mental healthcare and mental healthcare services need to improve. Psychologists should handle these emergencies...highly educated workers, not crises workers or mental health aids. They dont have the education th handle the really severely mentally ill.

Agreed! It’s terrible that we don’t have better answers for people in crisis.

Just to be clear we filed a 302 to put him in hospital which requires that you feel he is a danger to himself or others and they took the police with them. I did not call police.

Tried, I’m wondering what it took to get a 302 on your son, and if it’s something you recommend in a situation like Beta’s (or if it’s even a possibility). Clearly this young man needs psychiatric help, not a SWAT team. Who did you call, and how did he get to the hospital? Or was he already at the hospital when you filed? I went through several emergency holds with S due to suicide attempts and other serious self harm, but she was a minor, and already at a hospital before they decided to transfer to psychiatric and hold her. I don’t really know how it works once they are adults. I assume it’s a pretty high bar to prove that an adult needs to be held against their will.

 

[Deni D]

Beta, days have gone by now since your son has sent the very strange text messages to you. Maybe you could ask the crises intervention agency if they can call your son. I know when my son was angry and paranoid I was his main villain. The crises intervention woman was able to speak to him and gain his trust. Or maybe the crises intervention officer would be willing to call him. I’m guessing maybe both have already tried to call him but just in case…. Or maybe they will call him again if you reach out to them again.

In my case the crises intervention people were able to do what I could not. I knew where my son was but they called him first before going to where he was. I stepped aside and did not push him to be in contact with them. He didn’t trust that anyone I told him to talk to would be safe for him to be involved with. So I guess I’d suggest you not tell him to reach out to them but ask them to reach out to him, maybe again.

It’s hard on the internet to understand exactly what is going on with a particular situation. Please just take what is useful from me and drop the rest.

There is no wishing you peace, or even sanity with your current situation. You are on the going down side of the roller coaster, the stomach churning very fearful time. The thing is, no matter what you will reach the leveling point at sometime, hopefully soon. That’s what I am praying for, for you and your husband.

 

[Beta]

Thank you all again for your counsel, hugs, and prayers. Much appreciated. Yes, our son is on our phone carrier and the police told us to track him through that. Unfortunately, the carrier sends a message to the "trackee" asking for their permission to be tracked (?!) I can understand that there would be situations where this would be necessary, but it makes it impossible for us to track him so that we can send someone to him.
I like the suggestion about calling a crisis intervention agency and asking if they will call him. I don't know that he would answer his phone (Millennials don't like to answer their phones generally anyway) but maybe he would. Then again, it could make him angrier and more suspicious of us. I don't know. I am continuing to text him, asking him to call us, asking him to please just pack up his car and come here.
There are so many moments when my mind goes down that path of imagining all the horrible things that might happen to him, and I just want to sink to the floor and cry. Those of you who are in this type of situation, how do you handle those thoughts? I am leaning on God and trying to trust Him for this, but it is the hardest thing I've ever been through. My husband wants me to "back off" for right now, but I'm having a hard time doing that.

 

[Triedntrue]

Elsi i started with the crisis line for the county he was in then had to go and fill out paperwork with a social worker who sent a caseworker to his house. They determined he needed to be hospitalized. They took police with them incase needed and like i said the first was trained and was great. The one that came to the hospital not trained and set him off. You have to be able to say you think they are a danger to themselves or others and you have to give specifics. Due to what happened with the second police dept. I would think long and hard before doing it again.

 

[Elsi]

Beta, I wish I had wise words to give you that would calm your mind. I haven't found a magic answer for myself either. I know many here find solace in prayer, and I try, but I will confess that faith does not come naturally or easily to me. I am a natural pragmatist and I can't pretend not to know the potential outcomes for my kids, or to believe that God is going to actively intervene to save them from themselves. And it's hard to keep those thoughts from intruding. I do best when I stay very busy with something physically active like cleaning or gardening or just taking care of the animals (we have a houseful). Headphones, music, work. Sometimes I can get into the same flow while exercising. Running used to be great until my body decided it wasn't anymore, so now I have an elliptical and stationary bike. With the music, I guess you'd call it active meditation for me. I can't achieve the same thing sitting still - I have to move, sweat, be productive.

Elsi i started with the crisis line for the county he was in then had to go and fill out paperwork with a social worker who sent a caseworker to his house. They determined he needed to be hospitalized. They took police with them incase needed and like i said the first was trained and was great. The one that came to the hospital not trained and set him off. You have to be able to say you think they are a danger to themselves or others and you have to give specifics. Due to what happened with the second police dept. I would think long and hard before doing it again.

Tried, thanks so much for chiming in with your insights and experience. Smithmom's experience is certainly a cautionary tale as well. It seems like getting real, professional help in these situations is hit or miss.

Beta, though I am not always the best at prayer, I will keep you and your son in mine. I hope you are able to find some help through the crisis intervention agency. I think, given that he has not taken any action on these specific threats, I would be worried less at this point about the likelihood that he may carry anything out against this police officer than what thinking these thoughts - and expressing them to his mother! - means about his overall state of mind and stability, and his potential to escalate beyond thoughts at some point in the future.

 

[Tanya M]

Beta, there are no easy answers when dealing with our out of control adult children. Know that you are doing the best you can, you are doing everything you can. The mommy in us wants to be able to swoop in, scoop them up, hug and kiss them and make everything okay. Sadly, we just do not have that kind of power over our adult children.

My husband wants me to "back off" for right now, but I'm having a hard time doing that.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is to do nothing. I know it's hard but maybe you can try to not contact him for a couple of days, then reach out to him and just tell him you love him and want to make sure he's okay.
Maybe you can reach out to the crisis hotline again and ask them for advice on how you can deal with this. Have you reached out NAMI? They are another good resource. www.nami.org

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Self care is a must especially when we are dealing with difficult life situations. It's so easy to become consumed by the chaos our adult children can bring into our lives but that is a very unhealthy place to be. Each day try and do something that is just for you, something that will bring you joy. Yes, I said it, joy. It's okay to feel joy and be happy even when our children are suffering. Your life matters too.

Let us know how you are doing. We care. ((HUGS))

 

[Beta]

Elsi, I am the same way regarding staying physically active and, like you, use some of the same things to help me: exercise, reading, music, hobbies, cleaning. As a matter of fact, I find I pray much easier and more deeply if I'm physically doing something rather than just sitting.
I had some contact with J this morning. He still refuses to come here to where we live. I asked him repeatedly if he was okay and safe, but he would never answer that question, just continued to cast blame and fault on my husband and I for what he perceives as "wrongdoing" in his eyes. There's no point in trying to correct his distortions of the past and present; I will just continue to tell him I care and keep plodding on.

 

[Beta]

Tanya, thank you. Yes, we have a chapter of NAMI in another town next to ours, but it just doesn't work in our schedule right now to make the drive over. I have tried not contacting him for weeks at a time, hoping that maybe the absence of contact in his life would soften his heart, but it doesn't seem to. I do engage in self-care regularly (exercise, healthy eating, hobbies, etc.) knowing how important that is, but it is hard not to feel guilty at times for enjoying something when I know his life is so miserable and pathetic. My faith in God gives me joy even in the midst of great sadness, and I can say that this has had one good outcome---it pushes me toward God even more because without Him I wouldn't make it.

 

[RN0441]

All the suffering that I am hearing on this page is just horrible.

I joined a Bible study group a few weeks ago. I have never read or studied the Bible in my life so I thought I would give it a go when a new friend (our realtor) who is lovely, smart and very successful asked me if I'd like to go with her. She said she had gone last year and was skeptical (raised Catholic) but really loved it and it was starting up again. It is non denominational. Being new to the "Bible belt" I figured I had nothing to lose and at the very least, I could potentially make some new friends in my area.

I have been going for a month now and I am liking it. It is basically explaining the stories in the bible and studying what they mean. They mean something different to each of us I've found.

I have become more spiritual during this journey my son is on. I really want to know more about the layers of spirituality and find a deeper meaning in my life.

The reason I bring this up is that last night during the lecture they have after our group meetings, the speaker said that we need to learn to "pray bigger". We don't think we're good enough to ask for what we really need from God. I am guilty of this. So turn it all over to him if you are a believer and hopefully it will give you peace. This is all too much for me to bear on my own. It's just too big. I just cannot get through it on my own. If I did not feel that I had a higher power to help me with this I know it would destroy me.

 

[Copabanana]

There are so many moments when my mind goes down that path of imagining all the horrible things that might happen to him

Me too. It is hardest when I sleep or when I am trying to go to sleep. If I am able to go to sleep I wake up at 4am terrified. If I cannot sleep, it is a nightmare. The other night I refused to take a xanex to sleep. I hate these. They are dangerous and I am old enough to where there is a huge dementia risk So I refused to take one. I could not sleep. I drank wine (I do not drink.) And then? I sobbed the rest of the night. So. The next night I took the pill. There was no better alternative.

When things were better I would turn on youtube meditation tapes with earphones and listen far into the night until I could sleep. I like that man who lives in France whose name I never remember. Thich Than or something like that.

I am writing all this to tell you this: You are not alone. This is a NORMAL response to a TERRIBLE situation. The answers are not in OUR CHILDREN. The answers are in us. This is truly a dark night of the soul.

I just want to sink to the floor and cry.

I know. I really, really do know. I think the answer is to FEEL the feelings, as horrible as it is. They need to be recognized, and felt in a physical sense. Kind of like washing the soul, and letting it drain out the horribleness. I do not have any answers but I am on the same track as you.

I am leaning on God and trying to trust Him for this,

I think prayer in all of its forms, is the technology that our bodies/minds/souls require in whatever form we are comfortable with. Music. Chant. Meditation. Walking meditation. Dance. For me, posting in a sense is a kind of prayer. I focus inwards. I concentrate. I move beyond my immediate feelings and join with you all. I connect with my love for my son and my great yearning that my love for HIM can prevail in my life.

Those of you who are in this type of situation, how do you handle those thoughts?

I think those thoughts need their space. To ward them off for me does not work. But this does not mean to run with them. If we run with them we begin to traumatize ourselves with this thought tape. We begin to self-abuse. So to hear the thoughts once, twice is one thing. But then we need to call the disaster relief team. Which is US. Another part of us. We need to change the channel to the Disaster Relief channel. And stop with the disaster channel. We can do this. There is a way to change the channel.

Breathing is one way. Lay down. Feel your breath. Regulate your breath. Feel supported. Feel grounded. Feel deep inside you. This is how we stop the disaster channel.

This is happening. It is real. It is horrible. But there is relief. I am learning to treat myself like a TRAUMA VICTIM. Because I am. Right now when I get off this post I will google. CARE FOR A TRAUMA VICTIM. And try to learn how to treat ME.

It is interesting because right now it is on the news. How to treat (and not treat) a trauma victim. I want to RESPECT me and to have compassion. I deserve a safe place. I deserve NOT to be mocked. (I mock myself. I taunt myself. NO.)

but it is the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Yes.

My husband wants me to "back off" for right now, but I'm having a hard time doing that.

I know. Me too. The thing is this: He is right. I think. He sees you dissolving before his very eyes. He knows that your dissolution HELPS NOTHING. Think about it. Right now we need resuscitation. More dissolution is not the remedy. How do you reconstitute yourself? At the most basic level: Breathing. Nutrition. Nurture. Touch. And then, cleaning the house. Baby steps. Watering your plants. Reading a nurturing book. Tiny steps that feel good. Go to Costco. (I am a nut.) Actually, I am taking a distance learning Hebrew class. And I am reconstituting myself that way. I really really love it. It is at once so rote and yet profound to study these letters and root words that feel basic to human experience.

What I am trying to say here is that THERE ARE THINGS WE CAN DO, to feel whole. And to be WHOLE when we feel we are fracturing and fragmenting. We can take charge. It does not change the circumstance but we respond to US. It is like calling our own personal RED CROSS. And the important thing is: We come to our aid. We send somebody kind. We send somebody who acts. We send somebody who is present. With compassion. There are parts of ourselves that are at the ready to RESPOND.

I do best when I stay very busy with something physically active like cleaning or gardening or just taking care of the animals (we have a houseful)

This is exactly what I mean. I lay there with my cat and stroke her. I reduce myself to the part of me where she and I are equal. Forget the pre-frontal cortex. I am there was my mammalian brain. And I purr. At that level I can feel good. I lay there with her and we purr together. I have the news on (it calms me, for some insane reason.) And there we are.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is to do nothing.

Yep. This is exactly it. There is really nothing to do except go vertical. Go in. And go deep. Which is prayer, to me.

It's okay to feel joy and be happy even when our children are suffering. Your life matters too.

I think this is profound. I cannot do it. Yet.

Beta. There are mothers, here, and everywhere that KNOW how you feel and what you are facing. We are there with you.

 

[Tanya M]

There are so many moments when my mind goes down that path of imagining all the horrible things that might happen to him, and I just want to sink to the floor and cry. Those of you who are in this type of situation, how do you handle those thoughts?

Beta, I used to catastrophize every horrible scenario where my son was concerned. Everything from him lying dead in a ditch to the other end, him killing someone and everything in between. I would lay in bed at night wondering and worrying only to face the next day exhausted because I could not find restful, peaceful sleep. What got me past this was to really accept that yes, the most horrible thing I could imagine could happen. I then began a grieving process. I grieved for the son I used to have, I grieved for all the hopes and dreams I had for him. I grieved that he could die and I may never know about it.
It was through the acceptance that I was finally able to let go. I am a cancer survivor and I know how bad stress is for the body. I knew that I could no longer continue the way I was. I was merely existing not living. I had stopped doing anything that would bring me joy. Every fiber of my being was consumed with my son and the "what ifs" I knew I needed to take my life back and start living for myself.
My son will be 37 in January. I've been dealing with his chaos for close to 25 years. He has survived being homeless for years. He has survived being in prison several times. He has continued to blame me and my husband for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He has berated me for my faith in such an ugly way I went no contact with him for close to a year.
(he was recently released from prison for assault with a knife - he is attending AA and living in a half way house - he admits he has a problem with alcohol that has caused him problems) He has told me things I have longed to hear but he has told me these things before. I have guarded hope for him as I've been down this road too many times with him. Of course I hope he is sincere but I will not hold my breath. I will not pin my hope on it. I've told others here that if my son could manage to hold his life together for 3 years in a row I would actually start to believe that he's changing.
Bottom line, life is too short to spend it worrying and wondering about things that we have zero control over. I'm not getting any younger and I do not want to look in the rear view mirror years down the road and think "I wasted my life with worry"

 

[Elsi]

I like that man who lives in France whose name I never remember. Thich Than or something like that.

Thich Nhat Hanh! I love him. I also really like Pema Chodron. She has a book called "When Things Fall Apart" for surviving difficult times.

 

[Copabanana]

https://www.dartmouth.edu/~eap/reactionstotrauma.pdf

Here is a link about what happens to trauma victims. Beta and others. We check almost every box. Later today I will google how to TREAT US.

 

[Beta]

RNO441, I would not be able to get through a day without God. I know that He cares about me; He cares about our son; and I know that He is and will use this for good. It just doesn't feel very good to go through it. I have to turn my thoughts of fear off at times and intentionally think of other things, pray, etc.

 

[Beta]

Copacabana--yes, during the night is the hardest time. I awaken throughout many nights and think of him. I just try to say a prayer and ask God to protect him at that very moment. You're right about thoughts--we do have to "change the channel". It is a discipline that is needed to stay afloat through this. Some days I do well with it; other days not so much.

I just read an article about the grief of parents who have a mentally ill child. The grief we experience is unique, mainly because, unlike parents who lose a child physically, we do not receive the acknowledgement and support of those around us. There is no validation of our grief as there would be with a physical death of a child. People either don't know what to say, or they minimize it and don't understand that our loss is as devastating as a physical loss, or they're embarrassed because of the stigma of mental illness. So those of us in this circumstance often feel isolated and alone and without the support we need to process our grief. We are left "in limbo", feeling alone, with feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, self-doubt, etc. and no way to process it and move forward. The support and validation of our grief is a necessary part of the grieving process. My husband has spoken at our church of our situation with our son. Other than one couple in the church, no one else speaks of it or asks about how we are doing or offers to pray for us. It is hurtful and leaves us feeling alone.

 

[Beta]

Tanya, that sounds like wise advise. Thank you. I am working on moving through the process of grieving. I find it hard though to separate the person he once was from the person he is now. Sometimes I have to tell myself that who he was is dead and gone. That this current person is someone entirely different. I don't know if that makes sense. Is that what you had to do with your son?
Our son says very blasphemous things at times and tells us what hypocrites we are. It is truly horrible.

 

[Elsi]

People either don't know what to say, or they minimize it and don't understand that our loss is as devastating as a physical loss, or they're embarrassed because of the stigma of mental illness.

This is so true. Or worse yet, they seek to cast blame on us. Some people seem to need to place blame, so they can escape the fear that something like this could happen in their family.

 

[Tanya M]

My husband has spoken at our church of our situation with our son. Other than one couple in the church, no one else speaks of it or asks about how we are doing or offers to pray for us. It is hurtful and leaves us feeling alone.

I too have a deep faith in God. Once in a while someone from church will ask about my son but for me, I almost would rather that they didn't. As you said, with a physical loss people know how to offer support and compassion but with an adult child that is off the rails or mentally ill, most often you just get pity. I do not want or need someones pity. I do not feel sorry for myself.
I will forever be grateful for this site because it has afforded me a group of loving, caring people who get it. They know the journey as we all travel it together. I never have to worry about feeling judged or pitied here.

 

[Beta]

Elsi, good insight regarding the fear factor of other people. I hadn't considered that.

 

[Beta]

Tanya, you're right, there is always the definite possibility of being judged as a "bad parent" because this happened. My husband has tried to share our pain with people in our church and has literally asked for their help. I've gotten to the point where I don't want him to even mention it anymore because the lack of response is like salt on a wound. I think there's a verse in Proverbs about "singing songs to a heavy heart" is like smoke in the eyes. When people act like its no big deal, it just magnifies the pain.