Really Struggling Today

[welcometowitsend]

I am really struggling with my emotions today. Just when I think I am in a good place or at least an ok place I seem to fall apart.

I am so sad right now. I miss my son so much. I miss the close relationship that we used to have. I haven't seen him in almost 3 months - except for a brief moment when I purposely stopped in at his work because I knew he'd be there (well, that is if he hadn't been fired) and he was.

I miss his smile, his sense of humour. I don't even know who he is anymore. The sparse few conversations I've had with him recently have been anger on his end and me trying to just be friendly.

He doesn't answer my calls or texts, isn't even speaking to his gma right now which is strange.

He says he's going out to British Columbia this summer. I worry that he actually will and not come back. There is a girl out there that he met online (let's hope she's a girl and not some creepy guy) that he wants to go see - at least that's what he told my mother last time he spoke to her a few weeks back.

He is always angry at me for something. Even if I haven't done anything.

I have been reading some posts here very recently that have really struck home with me and I can't even respond. Sometimes I feel like I am ok, strong, and have put this into perspective. Right now i just feel broken and cheated. I feel like I got ripped off. Like I worked really hard to make the boss happy and do my job well and the boss came along and gave the promotion/bonus to someone else.

It just sucks. And I can't change it - at least I don't know how to. And so I have to find a way to accept it. Sometimes I can. Today is not one of those days.

I have to pull myself together and be ok because daughter is home today with a migraine and she doesn't need to see me being a mess. It just brings it all up for her too. So, thank you for being there for me. I'm sure you all understand how much this place means to me right now.

 

[dstc_99]

I had trouble with that last night. I had jury duty and during the lunch break I ran into difficult child's old cheer coach. It was all I could do not to cry about all the emotions that hit me. Like you I feel robbed of the chance to be a part of difficult child's life and support them like other parents do. Simple things like posting on Facebook how proud I am of her or sharing graduation pics tend to cause major meltdowns so I avoid them as much as possible. In fact I just don't do them. This past month or so has been really hard since all the people I know are posting graduation pics or touting about their kids college asperations. I don't get those things yet there are mothers out there who treat their kids like doo doo and they get them.

All I can say is I understand and hopefully at some point this will get better.

 

[SuZir]

Thinking of you both.

And hoping future will bring you better relationship with your kid, when they mature a bit.

 

[Bunny]

I think we all have days like that. Sending gentle hugs to both of you and hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

I hope today is a better day for you.

 

[scent of cedar]

That happens to me too, Welcome.

Whenever I have a day when it feels like I have myself in order, when it feels like I must have worked through everything and accepted the situation, something will come up, and I go through all the steps again ~ just on another, deeper level. I think these episodes are how we heal. We only give ourselves as much as we can handle. When we've worked through that, we let ourselves see and process other aspects of what has been lost or changed. As long as the issue is a new one, as long as I am not stuck grieving the same episodes over and over, I think this is a healthy process.

Though our children have survived, we are grieving a kind of death, here. We are grieving the loss of all the good things we believed were in store for our children, when they were little and we dreamed our dreams for them; when we dreamed our dreams of who and how they would be, as the years passed. We are grieving who we thought we would be, too. The reality of how things have turned out is a hard thing to accept. We need to be as compassionate with ourselves as we would be if we had really lost one of our children. Because, in a very real way, we have. Over time, we will heal.

Recovering posted to me once that if I could pray for my child and then, envision placing her in God's hands, I would find some comfort there. I did do that. I felt a little better, so I added myself in there, too.

:O)

Maybe something like that will help you today, too?

Remember when Dr. Kubler-Ross (?) wrote that book about the stages of grief? I think those stages apply to us, too. There are five stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and...something else. The idea was that we go through those stages again and again. Oh! I know what the last one was.

Acceptance.

Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

I am sorry you are having a hard time today, Welcome.

Barbara

 

[recoveringenabler]

Awwww, WTW, (and dstc too) where you are is that place we all fall into now and again. How could we not? I'm sorry you find yourself there. I completely agree with Scent of Cedar, we do find ourselves in the stages of grief and it isn't linear either, they come at random times, last awhile, we walk through it and we're okay, until the next batch of feelings erupt. It's hard. There is so much loss, so much disappointment, so much sorrow for our lost children..............feel what you feel, allow yourself to feel your feelings, they will subside and you will be okay again. It's a process, like you said, and acceptance comes when it comes, and it leaves too. What I can tell you is that the leaving part lessens and lessens, so over time, you have less days like this. I'm not sure if they go away entirely, after all, they are our children, but it does get better. Hang in there. Know that we all understand how you feel, in a BIG way too. Wrap yourself up in our collective hugs and just breathe deeply. Tomorrow you will feel better.....................

 

[Calamity Jane]

WWE,
I understand completely, and that feeling of being cheated, and working hard at parenting only to see this result is, I'm sure, a feeling we all share on this board.
This is a tough time of year - so many milestones - prom, graduation, weddings, things like that can be like a dagger in your heart. We don't know the "big picture" though, so we just have to slog through as best as we can, supporting good choices and not supporting the others. It is awful, though, and just know that I'm giving your hand a big squeeze in cyberspace for support.

 

[scent of cedar]

Another thing I found helpful: When our son got into drugs, there was such a long time that we never heard a thing from him. When we did hear from him, he was angry and filled with hatred. I missed my son just the way you are describing missing yours. His laughter, his sense of humor, the way he smelled... (Drakkar ~ I still love that scent.) Our son did recover. He is fine, today. But during those years, I found it helped me to both acknowledge and then, put the grief aside so I could function in my life by creating a sort of focusing tool.

A grief focusing tool, I suppose you could say.

Find something that represents your son, to you. Something small, something you can put away in a drawer. (That part is important.) When I would find myself feeling that overwhelming stuff again, I would go to the drawer. I would take the item out of its box, unwrap it, and let myself cry or rage or whatever it was I needed to do. Then, I would wrap the item, put it back in its box, and put it in the drawer. Knowing it was there, knowing that I had created a place and would, whenever I needed to, give myself time to let those feelings have at me, enabled me to have some control over them.

Hope it helps you, too.

Barbara

 

[Nomad]

Heartbreaking to read your words. We DO understand. What Barbara wrote here: "Remember when Dr. Kubler-Ross (?) wrote that book about the stages of grief? I think those stages apply to us, too. There are five stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and........ Acceptance."
Well, that resonated with me. Getting to the last stage was so very difficult. But, so very necessary. Each case is different, but most seem to be VERY similar. Little to nothing we can do, unless our difficult child him or herself wishes to change for the better. Good that your difficult child is in communication with your mother. Maybe she can lead him to good resources as appropriate. If it is within your ability, consider seeing a counselor for yourself and/or attenting Family Anonymous meetings. You need support to strengthen yourself. This is a very hard road us moms have had to endure. Sending gentle hugs and good thoughts for your strength, comfort, peace and wisdom.

 

[welcometowitsend]

Thank you so much everyone. It means a lot that you all understand the pain and grief that I am going through as I go through this journey. Some days I am really good and have found a place of acceptance and other days, like I said, things just seem to rain down on me and I fall apart.

Barbara - I love the idea of having an item that I can tuck away and pull out when I need to go through some grieving or anger process. I have just the thing. When I was cleaning out our camping trailer I found a set of nesting snowmen that belonged to difficult child. Something he'd always wanted and my mom found them for him. I will keep them safe for him but in the meantime it is something I can tuck away in the dining room cabinet and only pull out when I need to.

DSTC - I totally understand how hard that is to run in to people like that. A good friend's son is graduating in June and we have been invited to his party. I have not RSVP'd because I'm just not sure I can go.

RE - Thank you. I do feel better today. And on a positive note I got a lot of housework done yesterday - trying to keep myself busy.

Calamity - That is exactly is. Graduations, report cards, etc.. It's hard. Spring seems like a time for renewal and fresh starts and I feel like difficult child's life and my relationship with him is stuck in the mud.

I got my Mindfulness for Stress Reduction workbook out again yesterday. I had let it sit and ignored it for a while. I also looked up some additional support group information for family/friends of the mentally ill.

I did speak to difficult child yesterday via text. It was not good. He is so angry with me because he doesn't qualify for social assistance. He wants me to lie and tell them that I won't let him come back home. He doesn't realize that they can then come after me for the money. I wouldn't lie for him anyway. I love my son but he is able bodied and has a job. If he chooses to work hard he will get enough hours to pay his room and board ($25/week), have spending money and still go to school. When I was in high school I worked 30-35 hours every week. He makes a little more than $10/hour at his current job. 10 hours a week would give him his room and board plus $75 a week spending money. When he thought he was going to get social assistance he started giving his hours away at work and calling in sick. He just doesn't want to work - he wants to party with his friends.

I didn't get into all of that with him. Just told him I was sorry I couldn't help him but I wasn't going to commit fraud to get him on social assistance. told him I loved him and missed him, that I was confident he could succeed at whatever he chose to do and that I wanted a relationship with him.

He doesn't see that his side of the relationship hinges only on what I can/will do for him. If he doesn't get what he wants, I am dirt. Hopefully he'll mature out of that.

Again, thank you to everyone for your support yesterday. I came back several times during the day just to read your posts and it got me through a rough day.

 

[scent of cedar]

This was a change factor for my son: Blah, blah, blah (whatever the problem is).

"You are a man. You make the decisions about your life. You don't have enough money? Work harder. Can't find work? Think about starting a business. You are a man. That is what men do. They shape the world to their vision. They take care of their families. They are good to their mothers, and respect their fathers. Time to grow up. Love you, honey."

Okay, so I didn't say it quite like that.

:O)

But you get the drift.

It worked.

Maybe it worked because I believed it, and difficult child heard that? I don't know. I know a lot of what happens with our kids has to do with what WE are feeling. Try not to feel any guilt about where difficult child is or what he is doing. What advice would you give a 24 year old male you weren't related to, if he expected you to help him?

That is probably what your son needs to hear.

Barbara

 

[blackgnat]

Sorry that you were feeling so fragile and glad to hear you're better today.

The idea that you will keep a treasure to remind you of your son is SO stinking sad to me. I mean the concept-it's so bittersweet. I can imagine myself doing that one day but all I can really think about is that my son will probably die on the streets-not feeling very positive today.

Don't think I can handle the pain of that just yet. So I'm going to watch something funny on youtube and pretend this isn't happening.

Strength and courage to you.

 

[welcometowitsend]

Blackgnat - I am so sorry for what you are going through with your son. I pray that he makes the choice to accept help and find a better life for himself. Hugs to you.

Cedar - I really like what you said to your son. My husband and I have always had that stance with our kids too. Not said in exactly that way either. Here is what I said to him the other day.
You've made some decisions in your life that I wouldn't have made for you. I accept the fact that you have the right to make those decisions. I'd like you to accept the fact that I have the right to make decisions for myself and set boundaries for myself too. You are smart, funny, charming and can be such a hard worker. I know that whatever you choose to do you will be successful at and I will be proud of you.

Next time I think I will remind him that he is an able bodied young man quite capable of making his way in this world and doesn't need welfare. Welfare is necessary for some people, not him.

husband found about 4 pairs of almost brand new shoes that belong to difficult child in his bedroom. We dropped them off at his work the other day. Haven't heard from him since. Guess hoping for a thank you was too much.

I read somewhere that finding peace and happiness was in accepting the apology you never got. I like that.

 

[scent of cedar]

You've made some decisions in your life that I wouldn't have made for you. I accept the fact that you have the right to make those decisions. I'd like you to accept the fact that I have the right to make decisions for myself and set boundaries for myself too. You are smart, funny, charming and can be such a hard worker. I know that whatever you choose to do you will be successful at and I will be proud of you.

Next time I think I will remind him that he is an able bodied young man quite capable of making his way in this world and doesn't need welfare. Welfare is necessary for some people, not him.

I read somewhere that finding peace and happiness was in accepting the apology you never got.

I like those statements too, WTWE. At the bottoms of my posts, there is a link to phrases and concepts we can use when talking to our adult children about marriage, career issues, or addiction. It's the "Kathleen McCoy" link. I found it really helped me to clarify what it was I wanted to say, and helped me know just how to say it in a way that was kind, strengthening, and non-judgmental.

Barbara

 

[welcometowitsend]

Thanks Barbara! I love her website - am reading through it now.