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Really worried about Mom
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 679241" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Wow. We are all over the map on this situation. Some of us think mother could be an elder abuse victim, others see her as a free agent.</p><p>Your brother sounds abusive. He takes what he can get without care of who he hurts.</p><p>Ditto here.</p><p>I agree with this with the following exception.</p><p></p><p>Your mother may be being abused by him. Or perhaps it is a free choice on her part; she feels guilt about how he turned out. Or there is some specific incident in the past, about which she feels guilty.</p><p></p><p>If this was all there was, we could say, it is up to her. But I for one cannot let go of the possibility that she may be over her head, pressured, and afraid. What to do?</p><p>Here in the States we have laws that protect elders from abuse, even at the hands of their own children. To which KSM and Jmom refer.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, this kind of intervention could cause a great deal of pain and discord for your mother and in the family. It is a difficult choice.</p><p></p><p>I intervened to protect my mother, but it was with her consent and her full knowledge. In this case your mother has made it clear that she will not tolerate his being put in the street. </p><p></p><p>It is enormously painful and even disgusting that a grown, working man is taking advantage of his vulnerable mother. And she is forced to choose to injure irretrievably her own interests, so as to protect him. I am appalled.</p><p>But there is at least a question of abuse here. If she was 40 years old, I would say, her choice. At 80, it is a different story altogether. Particularly if she is on the road to ruin, caused by his influence.</p><p></p><p>Is there the possibility of buying him off? Offering him a quantity of money to establish himself elsewhere? The problem with this is what would prevent him from moving back, after he pockets the money. Does she have an attorney, who you can alert. I did this, but I told my mother first. And she called him to say he could speak to me.</p><p></p><p>Can you talk directly to your mother and raise with her the issues you have brought up here? Calmly and gently explain your concerns.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps another way to approach it is to be there for her, which I think is a dad's approach. There is a lot to say for that. From his way of seeing things, you would cast yourself as a good listener, a source of support, but not advocating one thing or another.</p><p></p><p>Really, I do not know what you should do. Maybe after reading the different perspectives you will feel on more solid ground and see what feels right.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry that this is happening. I know, really, how painful and frightening it is. I hope you keep posting and let us know how this develops. I want to know that your Mom is OK in this no-win situation for her. I wish she was not facing this, as I wished my own mother did not have to face horrible betrayal at the end. Take care.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 679241, member: 18958"] Wow. We are all over the map on this situation. Some of us think mother could be an elder abuse victim, others see her as a free agent. Your brother sounds abusive. He takes what he can get without care of who he hurts. Ditto here. I agree with this with the following exception. Your mother may be being abused by him. Or perhaps it is a free choice on her part; she feels guilt about how he turned out. Or there is some specific incident in the past, about which she feels guilty. If this was all there was, we could say, it is up to her. But I for one cannot let go of the possibility that she may be over her head, pressured, and afraid. What to do? Here in the States we have laws that protect elders from abuse, even at the hands of their own children. To which KSM and Jmom refer. The thing is, this kind of intervention could cause a great deal of pain and discord for your mother and in the family. It is a difficult choice. I intervened to protect my mother, but it was with her consent and her full knowledge. In this case your mother has made it clear that she will not tolerate his being put in the street. It is enormously painful and even disgusting that a grown, working man is taking advantage of his vulnerable mother. And she is forced to choose to injure irretrievably her own interests, so as to protect him. I am appalled. But there is at least a question of abuse here. If she was 40 years old, I would say, her choice. At 80, it is a different story altogether. Particularly if she is on the road to ruin, caused by his influence. Is there the possibility of buying him off? Offering him a quantity of money to establish himself elsewhere? The problem with this is what would prevent him from moving back, after he pockets the money. Does she have an attorney, who you can alert. I did this, but I told my mother first. And she called him to say he could speak to me. Can you talk directly to your mother and raise with her the issues you have brought up here? Calmly and gently explain your concerns. Perhaps another way to approach it is to be there for her, which I think is a dad's approach. There is a lot to say for that. From his way of seeing things, you would cast yourself as a good listener, a source of support, but not advocating one thing or another. Really, I do not know what you should do. Maybe after reading the different perspectives you will feel on more solid ground and see what feels right. I am so sorry that this is happening. I know, really, how painful and frightening it is. I hope you keep posting and let us know how this develops. I want to know that your Mom is OK in this no-win situation for her. I wish she was not facing this, as I wished my own mother did not have to face horrible betrayal at the end. Take care. COPA [/QUOTE]
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