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Really worried about Mom
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<blockquote data-quote="Lavender" data-source="post: 679288" data-attributes="member: 19933"><p>Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. Your insights have been very thought-provoking. I knew I'd come to the right place!</p><p></p><p>A dad, I take your point about being there for Mom. Of course we have maintained our relationship with her, but away from the house. She used to love cooking for her grandsons and watching a dvd with them, but they don't like being there when my brother is there. He just makes everyone feel uncomfortable.</p><p></p><p>KSM, there are agencies to protect the elderly, and that is an avenue I'm staring to investigate. I'm not sure how much power they have though, especially as Mom says she will not put him out herself.</p><p></p><p>SomewhereOutThere, yes, she does know how I feel. I've been trying to help her find solutions. When she heard that I was trying to help my brother find accommodation, she was like "Thank you, God", but as he won't do anything to help himself, she is back to square one.</p><p></p><p>JMom, we do take her out for lunch and to see her grandchildren perform in their various concerts. We try to include her as much as we can, and to give her a break from living with my brother. She says she lives for these times. I wish we could do more to help. It's very hard to detach because she just wants to talk about my brother and how things are. To avoid talking about it just feels like we are avoiding the 'elephant in the room'. You are right in saying that Mom will have to be strong enough not to let him back in if elderly protection services get him out. I'm not sure they can get him out without her say-so. I don't think she has reached that stage yet. She wants him to help himself. But I can't see it happening anytime soon.</p><p></p><p>Pigless, you've hit the nail on the head. Mom did actually say to me that she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she put him out. Those exact words.</p><p></p><p>Leafy, Mom has power, but she is unwilling to use it. She only has to say the word to me and I will call the police and get him out. Mom gave my brother a deadline to move out by the end of January. But that deadline came and went, without comment. Now he has even more reason to not take her seriously.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I am sorry to hear your own Mom had problems. </p><p></p><p>It didn't occur to me to buy him off, but I know what you mean! I might, if I thought it would work, but my brother isn't actually motivated by money. He doesn't spend it because he's never had to. Someone else has always taken care of the bills. That's why he's been able to save thousands, even on a very part-time salary, he has substantially more savings than me. He's bought himself holidays in Russia and Australia. Thing is, if he can organise those trips for himself, he can surely organise somewhere to live, you'd think.</p><p></p><p>I think Mom does feel guilt about the way he's turned out. She never disciplined him as a teen and he took advantage of that. Mom has a background of living with 'difficult men', starting with her father, then my father, then my brother. My step-father was lovely though. Mom asked me recently whether I thought my brother's behaviour was all her fault. I told her that only he is responsible for his actions, he's a grown-up and can choose how to behave. Surely on some level he knows it's wrong?</p><p></p><p>My partner and I are taking Mom for lunch on Saturday and I will do as you suggest and calmly and gently explain my concerns to her. And we'll take it from there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lavender, post: 679288, member: 19933"] Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. Your insights have been very thought-provoking. I knew I'd come to the right place! A dad, I take your point about being there for Mom. Of course we have maintained our relationship with her, but away from the house. She used to love cooking for her grandsons and watching a dvd with them, but they don't like being there when my brother is there. He just makes everyone feel uncomfortable. KSM, there are agencies to protect the elderly, and that is an avenue I'm staring to investigate. I'm not sure how much power they have though, especially as Mom says she will not put him out herself. SomewhereOutThere, yes, she does know how I feel. I've been trying to help her find solutions. When she heard that I was trying to help my brother find accommodation, she was like "Thank you, God", but as he won't do anything to help himself, she is back to square one. JMom, we do take her out for lunch and to see her grandchildren perform in their various concerts. We try to include her as much as we can, and to give her a break from living with my brother. She says she lives for these times. I wish we could do more to help. It's very hard to detach because she just wants to talk about my brother and how things are. To avoid talking about it just feels like we are avoiding the 'elephant in the room'. You are right in saying that Mom will have to be strong enough not to let him back in if elderly protection services get him out. I'm not sure they can get him out without her say-so. I don't think she has reached that stage yet. She wants him to help himself. But I can't see it happening anytime soon. Pigless, you've hit the nail on the head. Mom did actually say to me that she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she put him out. Those exact words. Leafy, Mom has power, but she is unwilling to use it. She only has to say the word to me and I will call the police and get him out. Mom gave my brother a deadline to move out by the end of January. But that deadline came and went, without comment. Now he has even more reason to not take her seriously. Copa, I am sorry to hear your own Mom had problems. It didn't occur to me to buy him off, but I know what you mean! I might, if I thought it would work, but my brother isn't actually motivated by money. He doesn't spend it because he's never had to. Someone else has always taken care of the bills. That's why he's been able to save thousands, even on a very part-time salary, he has substantially more savings than me. He's bought himself holidays in Russia and Australia. Thing is, if he can organise those trips for himself, he can surely organise somewhere to live, you'd think. I think Mom does feel guilt about the way he's turned out. She never disciplined him as a teen and he took advantage of that. Mom has a background of living with 'difficult men', starting with her father, then my father, then my brother. My step-father was lovely though. Mom asked me recently whether I thought my brother's behaviour was all her fault. I told her that only he is responsible for his actions, he's a grown-up and can choose how to behave. Surely on some level he knows it's wrong? My partner and I are taking Mom for lunch on Saturday and I will do as you suggest and calmly and gently explain my concerns to her. And we'll take it from there. [/QUOTE]
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