Reap what you sow

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JJJ, Jan 16, 2013.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Kanga called because treatment team did not grant her request for an off campus pass to a classmates house. I confirmed that the younger (16) year olds mother did request it but treatment team denied due to Kanga's past actions. "I don't know what they mean. What have I done?" OMG SERIOUSLY????

    Then all about how no one in current town likes her and she is looking to get an apartment closer to us. God...please no! She was mad because I said treatment team was correct in their decision and that regardless of how close she moved, she was still to stay far away from the other kids or I'd get the courts involved.

    She doesn't think anyone should judge her by her behaviors cause " that's just me". Ugh....yes, and that is why most people don't want to be near her.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    For her... UGH.

    For you... {{hugs}}
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've gotta second IC here, exactly,
    For her ...UGH.
    For you... HUGS.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh wow, she is truly clueless. Ditto IC
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Oh my... yet they still think it's a good idea to let her try for a license? Consistency people!
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Gosh, that has such a familiar ring to it... Don't you just want to run screaming like a banshee through the house, pulling your hair out by the roots???
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm sad for her that her choices cost her so much, especially as she does not seem capable of grasping the reasons. I am angry that even though she has had access to some of the best available treatment for the last 14 years, it wasn't enough to change who she became. I feel guilty that I do not like her, frustrated that I still have to fear her bothering the other kids, and furious at CPS for putting us in this situation when they, as trained child welfare workers, should have seen all the signs that were so blatant and never put her in a family.
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Oh yeah.
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Yep. Just yep. And AARRGGHH!!!
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    It is so hard when we love our kids yet at the same time do not like them and/or fear them. -RM
  12. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Unfortunately, what the "best available treatment" has been teaching her for the last 14 years is that there is very little connection between behaviors and priviledges....consequences (if any) are short-term and can often be talked away with a good story....and there are endless 'fresh start's and "do-overs" and second chances...

    No wonder she doesn't understand why her past behaviors would be affecting present opportunities!

    I'm so sorry, JJJ - it's a hard situation all around.

  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    That has been a constant source of conflict between RTCs and me. There is a point at which the damage you have done is permanent, or at least longer lasting than a 72-hour restriction to campus!

    I believe in forgiveness and second chances but you have to actually WANT to change, be SORRY for what you did and TRY to do better. None of which apply to Kanga.
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    She was all excited last year when they let her get a Facebook account. I created a fake account to 'friend' her because there was no way in heck that I was linking her to my real account. I used games to get a couple hundred friends so it looks real and I accepted both of her friends that asked me. Last night, she changed her hometown from where she is currently living to my town! Yikes! She has her cell number and current address listed, no privacy controls turned on, tons of selfies (at least she is dressed in all of them).

    This mom that was suppose to take her for the weekend is on her page telling her she loves her like a daughter and Kanga is calling her mommy. I want to contact this woman and offer to pay for an adult adoption. I am so terrified that Kanga will come back into our area. I know that her caseworker will drag her feet and do her best to discourage that but she doesn't have the authority to block it.

    I have worked so hard with the other three, to undo the damage that Kanga did and to give them the best chance in life --despite their disabilities. I WILL NOT have her undo everything by showing back up in their lives!!!! I WILL NOT!!!!!
  15. JJJ - I am so sorry that she has put this fear into you for your other children. Is there some way to get a restraining order to keep her away? I don't know the whole situation but I do remember your previous signature when she was in it so I figure you've been to hell and back with this.

    I'm with the others as well. An UGH for her and HUGS for you. I can certainly understand why she might not understand why her past behaviour is now affecting her in the present and towards her future. That is a probably with constant do-overs and fresh starts. Learning that for myself with our difficult child. Small ex: He will call me awful names and tell me to f off. Then when I want an apology for his behaviour he looks at me like I'm crazy and says "Why, I was just being honest." Ugh.

    Hugs to you anyway. Hope you can keep her from showing up in your town.
  16. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We will be able to get the restraining order AFTER she contacts the minor children or makes a threat against us. Nothing she did before she turned 18 counts so we need a "new" offense. Of course, having a restaining order would not keep her away if she was determined, so there would need to be a violation of that before we could get her arrested. It would be a long, chaotic time before she either gave up or got locked up for a significant time.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JJJ, do you actually feel that anything that was done during her time away or even what treatment she received during the time with you actually made any difference? I often wonder about that. I sort of think that all we did was contain them and attempt to keep them safe from themselves as best as we could for the time that we could. Im not sure that anything truly helped in any considerable way.

    The actual fact that she thinks its okay to associate with a 16 year old when she is 18 says a lot. And for heavens sake what is that mother thinking?

    Does she have the money to live closer to you or would that simply be a pipe dream? I would think it would be very hard for her to leave the placement she is in and go out there into the real world on whatever amount of money she gets and live. Maybe the placement needs to do some reality work with her on what things really cost out there by getting a paper and see what apartments cost, what transportation would cost, what feeding herself or two of them would cost, what incidentals would cost, what he medication would cost, what clothing would cost, etc. Then see if she thinks she can afford it. I doubt it.
  18. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My difficult child did that and it drove me crazy. I think it was because she felt more comfortable around those closer to her emotional age. It scared me for the other kids because I knew that hanging around my difficult child was not good or them and would tell them so. Even several years after she graduated, I would have students tell me that they "hung around" with my difficult child over the weekend. I would always tell them if they were hanging around my difficult child then they were doing things they shouldn't have been doing. It always shocked them when I told them that.

    JJJ, I hope Kanga is all talk an no action. I would be worried, too.

  19. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    The years of treatment's primary benefithas been to keep her away from the other kids. Without her being in the RTCs, one of the others would be dead. As far as her, the RTCs have kept her physically safer and provided her with coping tools even if she doesn't chose to use them. Whether this will lead to a better life for her is yet to be determined, but she was taught the skills she needs if she ever chooses to have a better life.