Rec'd email from PO

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It says he and his CSU director have rec'd my letter and they, along with PO's super, want to meet with me next week. I would have to take off work to go to that mtg and frankly, I don't want to go. I feel like I was lamblasted when i went to that mtg last fall with PO, super, and reentry lady just because I went in with a list of concerns, questions, and ideas for difficult child/me. I did not go in attacking, demanding, or criticizing but it resulted in difficult child and I being jerked around all this time and still we are no further ahead. I will admit that I did end up sounding critical of reentry lady toward the end of the mtg because she was acting so condescending and like shee was sure she had the magic bullet.

    I just read it so am going to mull this over before responding my my initial reaction is to respond saying I don't think the mtg can resolve anything orr improve matters and I thinkk we are better maintaining communications in writing at this point. Also, I am not trying to cost him his job but as I pointed out in my letter, I think there are personal grievences that are resulting in my son rremaining incarcerated and PO not being willing to commit to recommendation of release even if we comply with requirements, services, etc, and difficult child behaves for 30 days. Also, I don't see why services are in such question because in my humble opinion, they should be what was recommended by difficult child's treatment team in the Department of Juvenile Justice facility. They recommended follow-up on their anger management and substance abuse inorder to help difficult child maintain what they taught him, they recommended him remaining in individual counseling, and tthey recommended family stabbilization when he returns home. I don't like all that but am willing to do it because I think it's reasonable and probably the best chance for difficult child. Further, the previous MH tdocs/psychs/psychiatrists in difficult child's life had all recommended CBT as the form of counseling for him and family therapy while he's out of the home. PO wants to order some weird family restructuring, and I was considering agreeing to that until I found out that there really is a tx service called family stabilization so I have to wonder why he isn't wanting to order that instead. In any case, there have been too many problems, hard feelings, and going around in circles getting nowhere and my son isn't even on parole yet so I see no way for this to work undeer the circumstances. Given that I did file a foemal complaint with Department of Juvenile Justice against the PO and his super in Jan, I do believe there is a conflict of interest and the PO should be changed.

    But the last thing I want to do is go to another mtg "so we can get everything on the table and make sure we're all on the same page" with PO and his super. They schedule the mtg for next Wed so now they'll use that as an excuse for difficult child staing in past 30 days because that blows another week before they do anything at all. I'm just praying fed doj steps in and does something. They should get their letter on Monday.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Yeah, I think you are right to wait to respond. From what you say it makes me nervous they will say you are not being cooperative and then use that as more reason to keep him and drag their feet if you tell them there is no point in meeting etc. But, if you can't go because you have work and you are willing to communicate through email etc...then you are not shutting them down but also not setting yourself up for ambush. I dont know if that would happen but from your past experience etc... doesn't seem like a meeting is even necessary. You made your points, you made your requests and really all you want is for it to be resolved. They twist your words and intentions it seems so your gut tells you to not go.... Maybe people with experience in this will have points that will help you decide if that is the best course but from what you say... I would avoid it too.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child Called and said PO had come to talk to him yesterday- PO wouldn't have gottn this letter by then. Anyway, difficult child is under the impression that PO is getting that family therapy he mentioned on board right now. NOw, PO mentioned that to me but told me he wwould look into options to see if there was one that did CBT and follow up on the anger management and I was going to check and see what this therapy he mentioned really was so I was under the impression that PO was going to proceed with this funding source only but we'd talk again before he proceeded with a specific type therapy. difficult child is saying PO said he's proceeding with it already- well, this is apr for tthe course.

    But at our mtg, when PO said something along those lines, that is when I said "well, if I go ahead and sign agreement to that and we comply and difficult child behaves, will you sign off on and recommend difficult child's release at his 30 day mark?" and when PO said he couldn't ssay that he would so I asked again and again he said he might not because "something else could come up", that's when I considered it all on hold until we get another PO or something changes somehow.

    I'm just going to have to type up a short letter to cflarify all this so I'm on record as wanting the services that were recommended, not ones that differ from that. And I think I can add in there that my time for mtgs needs to be spent on mtgs that are focused on difficult child, not on discussing grievences when I've already presented my position and it's up to them to decide how they want to respond to it.

    But I don't know that I'm willing to sign any agreement without seeing in writing that if difficult child and I comply and difficult child is still behaving, they will recommend his release in 23 more days. If they can't even define what else might prevent them recommending release, then something is wrong with this picture.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Glad you got a prompt response. Due to the volatile past communications I think it is wise that you think about this over the weekend to make sure your response is the best choice. I do think it is good that difficult child sees his meeting with PO as hopeful or positive. Actually I see it as more than "good".

    Over the weekend if you want to brainstorm I'll be around until Sunday noon. Off the top of my head I think that a meeting this week would likely be the most expedicious for difficult child's path. He really needs to see the light at the end of the tunnel so his anxiety and anger don't get the best of him. Sigh. DDD

    Whoa! Just had another possible "light bulb" moment. I'm not suggesting it because I haven't even thought it through, lol. What do you suppose would be the result if you asked for a topic agenda for the meeting sent by return email?? you think that might help you "see" that resolution might be doable??
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That could be really helpful. We did that for all the meetings before our principal got involved....then they withheld them..and even if they stuck to it he always wiped it out and put in his lousy million dollars worth.... But before he was in the mix we sent it around to all team members, everyone got to have a say and it was finalized before the meeting.... so you could send in your ideas...this is what I'd like to discuss and say they are welcome to add to the agenda (bearing in mind YOUR time limit) and then that way it is not all your trying to "run the show and tell them what to do" stuff You can even say that in the letter to make it clear that your purpose is to make sure the important points are discussed for difficult child's sake. May still be a risk given your history but if it needs to happen this may be one way to help guide things in a more productive way.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    The mtg wasn't scheduled to discuss difficult child's "plan"- that was clear in the email. The mtg was to discuss my letter asking for another PO and stating that PO hadn't been doing his job, in a round about way. In any case, after difficult child called and told me what PO had told him, I thought I better get my position documented a little clearer on the services. So I typed up a letter last night, emailed it to PO, and put a signed hard copy in the mail today just in case he tries to change any words in the email-- this is that letter.

  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Your written response is reasonable and on point. I assume you are comfortable with this communication and I give you 100% support. Hugs DDD
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    thank you- I'm wondering if they are going to find some way- loophole- thru that letter to say I'm not cooperating or to otherwise try to justify difficult child remaining incarceraated, or even not returning to my custody. How did it come across to you? To me, I wouldn't have to be spending my energy on this if PO was concentrating on doing his job but I'm not sure if it's coming across like, no matter what they say, I'm just a defiant person who doesn't respect them or somthing- really, it's just that I don't understand why the first effort to come up with something resulted in them getting so mad and digging their heals in the sand- but the only thing I can think of that adds up is that they are on control trips and expect parents to be doormats bowing at their mercy. Why else wouldn't you be able to define what it takes to move forward? Either that or difficult child's case is way above their heads and they don't have a clue what to do but wouldn't admit it to me no matter what.
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    IF they are going to do that, they are going to do it no matter what you do. I think you stated things in a very reasonable way. I especially like that you put it in terms of what the teams and professionals are recommending so if he is going to go against that, well then that clearly makes him look like a jerk. It is clear that this is not YOUR is what the teams and professionals have stated.

    I think this is a good way to handle it but that is just me. Especially given if they put it in writing...whatever their response, you will have it to show your point. If they say you MUST Meet, well then I would really push for recording the meetings from now on.... I wish one of us lived close to you so we could come along as your note takers/ would not have to say who we were or from where...just that we are there as your advocates or something. It is always good to have a witness.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This situation sounds a LOT like what we've dealt with in the schooe l systems... for years. And I found that when I took the perspective that they were deliberately working against, things got testy real fast. But when I took the perspective that they were in over their heads, (and I didn't actually TELL them that, mind you), it changed my point of reference, the language I used, the kinds of statements made. When I put the focus on the complexity of the situation and the things that made our case unusual, it was a way to give them an "out"... this isn't simpleton stuff, it's not run of the mill. How often have they had to deal with custody-parent-as-victim AND inter-jurisdictional issues to boot? NOT simple.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    thank you- that makes sense with PO- his super on the other hand- I still tend to think she's on a control trip and just wants proof of power, even though she said in front of all of us at a mtg that "she's never had a parent come in and tell her stuff like this". I think they are in over their heads but this state has the blind leading the blind. thank you again. I will keep that perspective in mind. It's still illegal to keep a juvenile incarcerated and withold custody from a parent without a court order so that's part of the reason I think they need to regroup. But I will keep in mind that perhaps they are just clueless.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm tired and don't want my post to come across as sounding so short so I apologize for that. I think yiou are right and am trying to say that while still saying that I think a couple of people in this situation are really on power trips. This "reentry initiative" has been funded and approved for 12-18 mos and they still have nothing definitive in place, yet have been taking the fed funding- ie, tax dollars. I'm just fed up with all of it. But one thing I can say for sure- when difficult child was at home and things went into crisis mode it was sometimes hard to tell if it was him to blame or the system- this time I am sure- it's the system.

    difficult child called tonight and that shows he's behaving there or he wouldn't have gotten phone priviges. He said his grades from last semester came in and he passed everything and passed all the standardized learning tests they'd given him. He said a staff person there at the detention center told him he should try for an easy job and difficult child said he walked off and didn't say or do anything but was thinking "I can go to college no matter what you say and I'm going to do it".

    There are so many times I read Warrior moms here writing about chaos in the home and services get in place and when they don't work, more chaos and hard feelings between family members develop- I honestly think that a lot of times it's those in the system that should be held accountable- not the kid and not the parent.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wow that is powerful that he has that hope and determination, no matter what happens, it says a lot about his character and about you too klmno. I know you continue to support that in him and he clearly is getting the message that there is more to him than this side trip.

    I do agree that there are cases where the system creates a problem and/or makes things much worse. This whole thing is wrong. To a lesser degree we have a similar thing and I swear, I just have to push hard sometimes to decide what to focus on. I go back and forth. For now, for our situation, I will do whatever to get him safe and in a place where he can progress with the least amount of risk to his future. But for sure, other reports and letters and complaints will be taking place.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Seems like you'll just have to see how they reply to your correspondence. Each of us could guess what they might or might not address. If I had to guess, I'd say there are going to skip the overall picture and hone in on your request for thirty day release assurances. Based on what I understood PO to say it could be thirty or it could be ninety (sigh) and what I thought you wanted was a specific target date in writing with attainable goals in writing. I keep my fingers crossed. DDD
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Correct, DDD, and I hope I conveyed it in a way where they can't turn that into me being uncooperative or unwilling to participate or comply with any services. They are the ones who push behavior contracts yet that would require us knowing what their requirements are, right?. And if they hold difficult child until May, that puts him transferring sd's- again- right at the end of a semester and probably the week of final exams and they are only giving him 2 core classes in the detention center. That's part of the reason this stinks- I had it arranged where difficult child probably would go to a mainstream sd and get in early enough in the semester to take a normal course load but schools in detention and Department of Juvenile Justice facilities won't let kids take normal course loads any more. They limit them to 2 core classes per semester. And I don't think ttelling difficult child he has to be in there 90 days or telliing us 30 then coming up with some excuse to change that later is going to help motivate him to stay on the right track.

    Of course, I don't know how they are going to react to any of this either. Department of Juvenile Justice just doesn't have it together at all when it comes to this reentry initiative but they need to quit holding kids' releases up because of that.

    Buddy, I think your and your difficult child's situation is pretty critical, too, and you are aware of the importance of making sure those in control know you aare keeping your eyes on the situation and will do whatever you need to to advocaate for your difficult child. That doesn't make their lives easy but the alternative is just not worth it.

    I was pretty proud of the way difficult child handled that comment about his education and future job. I bragged on him and told him I thought it showed that he's getting it now- you don't have to break the law to keep your strength and fight for what you want to go ffor and that doesn't mean you let them break you down. I told him if he holds onto that attitude and is willing to work his rear off to get it and stay away from partying, 5 years from now he'll be toward the end of college and won't even remember this staff person's name. I don't know if he'll actually do that or not but I was really glad to hear those words from him yesterday.

    PO was starting to make little comments that appeared to be pointing to trying to require difficult child to get back on medications and that we were being led to believe we need to hurry and get things started because difficult child could be out in 30 days but then he toldd me this family therapy was usually 4 mos long, then he went and told difficult child that if he wasn't finished with this "therapy" by the time he left detention, he would have to finish it after returning home. Well, no true in home family therapy would be scheduled to have the majority of it acccomplished while difficult child isn't even home but the bigger thing was PO telling me it lasted 4 mos then leading difficult child to bellieve most would be done while he's in detention, but never telling me or difficult child that he's in there for 90 days, period.

    I think PO is the type of person who can't make decisions so he's letting his super and reentry lady make them and his super is on a control/power trip and reentry lady is trying to play MH prof, which she's not but even if she was, she hasn't givern difficult child a MH evaluation and is just another person in a long list who think reading a juvenile record from courts/csu and know all they need to to determine appropriate MH tx.

    What is most frustrating to me is that instead of difficult child being able to concentrate and work on the issues that caused him these problems, we are yet again having to focus on things like trying to figure out whatt the hidden agenda and real "plan" is- you know, that plan that PO/reentry lady claimed provided a seamless transition, empowerment of the parent, etc.They make such issue over having to be in control and having to be the ones to determine the plan yet they don't know how, at least that's how it looks to me. The only service they do well is lip service. Even difficult child said something similar when he was telling me about PO's visit- he said PO was talking out of both sides of his mouth and it all sounded rehearsed- like someone else had told him what to say then he wouldn't really answer difficult child's questions. Yep, that's him.
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2012