Recommended Books to read and other stuff.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Dazed n Confused, Feb 25, 2010.

  1. Dazed n Confused

    Dazed n Confused New Member

    In my earlier post about our 17yr difficult child, we finally made the decision to send him to a Therapeutic School. I am hoping and praying I am making the right decision.............its the only one I have left. The one that says I tried to find a solution and try to give him the best possible chance at having a normal functioning adult.

    Are there any books that you can suggest that I read, my parents read, or his 13yr old brother read?

    He doesn't know he is going yet and I am sure he is going to be mad and probably like talk to me for a long time.

    I has been diagnosed with IEP, General and Social Anxiety and Depression.

    Do any of you feel like you have failed as a parent? I keep what "if", I did this differently or maybe I should have done this. I know that doesn't help and maybe this is part of the process I will have to go through, but right now I mentally break down everytime I think about him leaving and being sent somewhere. I am putting his life in the hands of people I don't know and it is killing me.

    Sorry mental meltdown there...............any advice is welcomed. My husband and dad are dealing better than my mom and I. Maybe its the whole "man" thing or they are at peace with knowing this is the only option for him to have a better life.

    I was told that the first few weeks there he might write letters that are not very nice. Does everyone go through this?
  2. Dazed n Confused

    Dazed n Confused New Member

    This is supposed to say:

    He doesn't know he is going yet and I am sure he is going to be mad and probably NOT like or talk to me for a long time.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We made my daughter leave at 18 due to repeated drug use and legal messes and the fact that we had two younger kids who had to see the cops handcuff her and her screaming. We didn't make a plan for her...she just needed to leave. We knew she had (ahem) friends she could hang out with. She was lucky. Her older brother was willing to take her in as long as she followed his rules. He was strict and very straight. She DID listen to him and quit using drugs, but...

    Did I feel like a bad parent? Is the Pope Catholic? ;) I had put her through a divorce and a remarriage and she didn't like my hub, although he tried hard to be nice to her. Still, she had totally freaked out after the divorce. Then we moved out of state and she needed to start over again. Even as I type this, I think that all of this contributed to her breaking down. Plus, she was adopted and didn't need another family breakup and or a new stepfather. And she didn't need to move, as she is shy. That set up everything. But, as SHE tells me now, "You did the right thing. If you would have stayed with Dad I wouldn't have respected you." It took until her 20's though for her to realize it, and I STILL feel guilty at times. She wouldn't speak to me at all for a long time and it broke my heart. I loved her, which is one reason I'd made her go. I didn't want to enable her. I was afraid she'd kill herself with drugs.

    I cried for three straight weeks.

    I know how you are feeling and offer you my empathy and understanding. It's very hard, I know.
  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Hi Dazed, welcome.

    My son went to a wilderness program in Georgia last summer and has been in a residential treatment program in Utah since the end of August. It was the most painful decision my husband and I have ever made as parents, but we have never second-guessed our decision. My son is making steady progress, and we hope he will be home sometime this summer.

    It was my husband who struggled far more with the decision than I so I don't think it has to do with one gender processing this better than another. I just knew we had no other options here in our community, and sending our son away from home was his best chance at becoming a mature and responsible adult.

    Our son was very angry with us in the beginning, and his first letter home told us of all the horrors he had to endure in the wilderness. I suspect he thought we would come to rescue him if we knew how much he was being "abused." Obviously, it didn't work, and then he didn't write to us for three weeks. Gradually, the anger wore off as the therapeutic process kicked in. When we saw him at week 8, he was very loving and appreciative that we had sent him to wilderness. He continues to be very loving toward us to this day.

    The only book I read before my son went into a therapeutic program was What Now? by Paul Case. Is that the kind of book you're wanting recommendations for?
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hi Dazed.

    I've not had this experience yet, but I can tell you, even as the parent of difficult child 1, who is for the most part successful, I still feel like there were plenty of things I did wrong or failed him at.

    With Wee, its even worse.

    My exMIL, who raised my difficult children' father, at 67, still plays the "what if" game. She works hard to not beat herself up over the choices her grown son has made. She has two other grown sons who are pillars of their communites, and even with them, she still struggles about where she went wrong with my ex.

    I don't think it ever goes away. You just hope to find peace within yourself for the choices you made. I strive to always do the best I can with what I have, just so I'll be able to sleep in my own skin when I'm 60. Do I always succeed? No. But I try, and that's all you can do.


    FWIW, I agree this is his best shot.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My youngest started his round of out of home placements when he was 11. Of course, we questioned ourselves over the years. He loved his first placement, a wilderness camp, so we didnt get the cries to come home. The next rounds of psychiatric hospitals, group homes and then finally Residential Treatment Center (RTC), well he wasnt so happy about. He did do the pouting and crying wolf a few times. We just stood strong. Did it make a big difference? I will never know. My son kind of had to learn from the school of hard knocks as an adult. He is on probation for a couple of felonies and that seems to be what turned him around. I take it day by day hoping he keeps on the right side. All I can do.

    Now I have a middle son who went into the Marines and those first few weeks he was in boot camp...omg...those letters were horrible! He was so homesick and he was so miserable that we cried every time we got a letter. I wanted nothing more than to go rescue my baby from big bad Uncle Sam! LOL. I couldnt though. I had to just keep sending letters back telling him how I knew he could do it, I was so proud of him. He made it. He is ADHD and when he graduated, we never saw such a still ADHD kid standing in that