"Recovering difficult child" is now "difficult child" again.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by aeroeng, Sep 2, 2010.

  1. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    I had upgraded difficult child to "Recovering difficult child" because even though he still had issues he was trying hard, taking responsibility and actually apologizing after a blow up. I still found comfort here. Or rather still needed to find comfort here.

    Tuesday night difficult child and "difficult child in training" were working together (warm heart). difficult child was teaching his younger brother how to make chocolate mousse (this is a desert to die for). When the mousse was done and in the frige to cool, they started playing a board game with me. A couple arguments about rule interpretation and they got grumbly. At 9:00 husband announced that it was time for bed for "difficult child in training". "difficult child in training" was frustrated, he felt that if he could not continue playing, then difficult child and I could not ether (he owned the board). "difficult child in training" cleared the board of the pieces. This upset difficult child who then stated that "difficult child in training" could not have any chocolate mousse. I convinced both that we should not talk about it until tomorrow.

    Tomorrow (Wednesday) came. No one told husband the mousse was in dispute, so he gave some to "difficult child in training". When difficult child discovered this his cork popped. Vowed revenge and promised to break some of "difficult child in training's" things. He sat in "difficult child in trainings" room and would not move, exploding. I decided to grab "difficult child in training" and leave, go to the library. difficult child blocked the door. husband pulled him away and they went at it. husband said to call 911. Then difficult child said, "no don't I will stop". They stopped, I grabbed "difficult child in training" and we left.

    Apparently the battled continued. It started with difficult child doing things like propping the refrigerator door open with a broom, and opening every outside door and turning up the air conditioner. (Once he starts he won't stop). Regretful words were said by both difficult child and husband, chocolate mousse (complete with Christal glass) smashed on the floor and in difficult child hair, things broken. They hit and wrestled with each other. The battle only stopped when husband tried again to call 911.

    All is calm today. difficult child is saying he hates husband (like this is the first time), but is behaving civil. difficult child won't get over being angry for about two weeks, and then only when he wants something.

    I hate this.

    Last edited: Sep 2, 2010
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh, honey, I feel for you!!! Battles here happen between my husband and difficult child and they get BAD. It's unbelievable some of the stuff that spew from their mouths when they're that mad. Both hold grudges, too. My son and I are completely opposite and can let a lot roll off our backs. Makes for a miserable household when they are holding that grudge. :(
  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    That is so hard! One of the rules in our house and it is SOOOO hard is for husband and I to just shut-up when things start to get confrontational with K- it seems to help her become increasingly violent and destroy things if we argue with her or raise our voices.
    We can give each other the "zip it" sign when one or the other is over talking and it usually works.
    Our kids get to a point where words are just noise when they are in those states.
    I have to keep saying to myself sometimes, "calm, stay calm, no matter what she is doing, calm..."

    Sorry about the Mousse I love Mousse!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds so much like my house. Let me ask..is it worse with one son than the other with your husband? It is with mine. It gets so bad sometimes I just want to smack their heads together.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It sounds to me like husband and difficult child need to cough up the money to replace your Christal bowl ANd the cost of 2 batches of the mousse. I totally understand how things get blown out of proportion and in the heat of the moment we can engage in real battles with our kids.

    SOMETHING needs to happen because it is just not okay for your husband and your 15yo child to engage in physical battles and to ruin the home. there needs to be a safety plan drawn up and put into place so that when difficult child gets this angry there is NOT a physical battle, wresting match, or whatever between parent and child. NO ONE WINS when we get down to their level.

    I am sorry you have to cope with the aftermath of this. At the very least you need to resolve to go out of the house and call 911 if difficult child is damaging anything or threatening anyone. He is old enough that if he doesn't get this under control he is going to hospitalize or kill your husband or you or difficult child-it during a rage.

    This level of violence just cannot be tolerated. I am so sorry it has gotten this bad.

    Many hugs.
  6. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    Thanks everyone.

    Totoro: One of the frustrating things for me was that it was husband who convinced me that we need to keep our voices down and not let it get to us. And this approach has help. husband does not have a violent or anger issue (it is usually me blowing up). husband felt terrible yesterday. To the point I am a little worried about him being depressed. He agrees that it should not get that far again, and we are talking about ways to deal better next time. husband's brother is a foster parent who volunteers to take difficult child's that could not live at home. So brother in law is much better skilled at managing them then we are. husband is going to call him for advice.

    Dammit Janet: You asked: "is it worse with one son than the other with your husband?". Well no/yes. He treats them all the same. easy child never ever causes problems so husband never has issues with him. and "difficult child in training" is not as skilled at difficult child behavior as difficult child is. Meaning he will try the same behavior that he learned from difficult child, but does not carry it as far and you can usually talk him down. husband will take the same approach with all equally, but it only gets bad with difficult child. This event is the first time husband and difficult child got physical. Although difficult child has put holes in the walls and broken things before. Once difficult child and I went at it. I walked away difficult child said, "Don't you walk away when I talk to you", and grabbed the back of my shirt. I wracked him hard with the back of my hand. We did call the police then. difficult child has not been violent in the last 8 months, he was improving. husband's normal behavior is more of an annoying helicopter parent. He checks 20 times on safety issues, until you finally let him know he is driving us all crazy.

    Susiestar: I like the idea of money for the glass (and everything else that was broken). I won't buy new crystal with it though. husband and I got 9 sets of crystal glasses when we got married. I love them all, but have more then I can use in a lifetime. (Which is why I let a 15 yr recovering difficult child use it).

    I like the idea of a safety plan. Are there any examples? What should it contain other then "stay calm, leave and call 911"?

    Yesterday when I picked difficult child up from school he had calmed down considerably. He was still mad at husband and keep stating that husband hatted him. But then complained about some of husband's recent helicoptering activities. I stated that husband did that because he loves him, and difficult child grudgingly agreed that yes dad loves him. This weekend husband needs to go to his parents house to take care of some things. He will take "difficult child in Training" with him so they will all be apart for 3 full days. I am hoping that by time husband returns they will be able to talk calmly so we can get through this.

    Thanks for the love and support. and letting me cry.
  7. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    Forgot to add. One problem with staying clam is that difficult child keep pushing it. husband did walk away. difficult child propped open the refrigerator with a broom. husband shut it, difficult child opened the outside doors and turned up the AC. If husband walks away difficult child would follow and keep pushing the buttons until he gets a response. So part of the plan will need to have how to turn difficult child off without the major battle?