Red Chief

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tiredmommy, Jan 21, 2010.

  1. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I didn't want to hijack RD's thread so I'm starting a new one.

    My mother got me high when I was eleven and it was a major turning point in our relationship: it blurred the lines and broke the boundaries between parent and child. That day was the first day I started to not trust my mother to have my best interests at heart. I'm very concerned whenever I see a parent actively allowing or enabling their teens or children to get drunk, high or have sex. Frankly, it makes me wonder if the parent is more concerned about being a friend or a parent. Children and teens will often get into things that they shouldn't be doing, but they don't need their parents helping them along. And trust me, your easy child will resent this one day and she will throw it back at you. She'll never forget it.

    So man up and be the parent your kids deserve.
  2. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    TM, I completely agree.

    My dad partied - either alone or with his brothers and whoever else showed up. I can smell pot a mile away and it makes me sick to my stomach.

    He got my brother drunk the first time at 14. He smoked pot with him. He was growing pot when I lived with him when I was 12. I was so ****** off at him. What would have happened to me - a child - had he been caught?

    And as far as my brother? He has a relationship with my dad, but treats him like koi. I have no respect for my father and have almost nothing to do with him.
  3. Red Chief

    Red Chief New Member

    I think you guys misunderstand me.

    My easy child that I smoked with was 20 at the time. It just happened recently.
    I think that a 20 year old woman has the right to make her own decisions. As a matter of fact, it was her who first asked if I wanted to smoke, not the other way around. And since she stole my stuff, I'm never going to smoke with her again, because she betrayed my trust.
    I never had, nor never would have, thought of smoking or drinking with her when she was a minor & still in school.

    I have no plans to allow my difficult child to drink or smoke. Again, I've had the talk with her & told her that I totally disapprove of her smoking or drinking when she gets older, or even now.

    I think we all agree with each other. I would never want a child to drink or smoke. I do think that drinking or smoking with a high school age (or younger) child could destroy the relationship. I just think that smoking with my 20 year old step daughter, on her offer, who is living on her own and has her stuff together, isn't that big of a deal.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Red Chief, you are wrong or incredibly stupid. You choose.

    Hopefully Red Chief is just a troll trying to make trouble and hoping to trigger those whose pasts he's describing. It's a cinch he's a lousy Dad, teaching his kids that illegal drug use is acceptable. Shame on him.

  5. Red Chief

    Red Chief New Member

    I know I'm a terrible writer, but where do you get that I'm teaching my kids that illegal drug use is acceptable?
    I've had the anti-drug talk with my difficult child. A couple of times already.

    My easy child is a 20 year old woman. She decided to smoke on her own. She actually started after she started college & moved out of the house. The only reason I smoked with her is because she made the offer.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Pardon me while I laugh my *** off. What utter crap.

    It's like, "But Mom, everyone was jumping off the bridge so I should too!"

    Stupid, stupid, stupid.

    You are supposed to be a role model, not a smoking buddy. The last I heard, pot was illegal. Who the hell cares how old she is? You are her FATHER, not her friend.

    Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  7. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Red Chief... you taught your 20yo that it is acceptable to use drugs the moment you agreed to smoke up with her. And if you think your difficult child won't get wind of the double standard of you using drugs AND condoning it in her sister then I don't know what to sat except that this forum may not be the right place for you.

    Here, the parents are struggling to help their kids stay clean and for you to post about using drugs with your child is a huge slap in the face. It's disrespectful to those that do the right thing.
  8. Red Chief

    Red Chief New Member

    I'M VERY SORRY! I am not trying to disrespect anyone on this site. I came here for support about things, just like others have. I was just venting, and gave too much information.

    Again, I'm sorry and I'm not trying to be a troll.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    The worst part is not that you are disrespecting the parents on this board who are trying to do the right thing, who model LEGAL behavior, and who are strong enough to hold their kid's feet to the fire when they do not, the worst part of this is that you missed the point entirely- that you think you just gave us too much information but you don't think you are doing anything wrong.

    Last edited: Jan 22, 2010
  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I should hope not... because I'm extremely protective of the members here and I will not tolerate them being abused by trolls.
  11. Red Chief

    Red Chief New Member

    Again, I'm so sorry if I offended anyone here. I'm definitely not trying to start any trouble. And I feel like a dirtball right about now. I have some things to think about. But I do feel like I need to defend my self one last time, then I promise to drop it.

    easy child is my step-daughter. Because she has such a good relationship with her father, she has never seen me as a father figure, and I've never really tried to be one. She as always seen me more as a brother or a friend. (wife has had to tell her on more than one occasion in the past that I wasn't her little brother, but an adult, because she tried to get me in trouble for something). We had a major argument during her senior year in high school. Since then, she quit talking to me, unless she had to. After she moved out & she would come to visit, all I would get was just a hi and bye. I think there were times she wouldn't pee on me if I were on fire.

    easy child started smoking totally independent of me. Her roommate has a medical marijuana card, so that's where she picked it up about a year & a half ago. Because of our non-existent relationship, there is nothing I could do or say to make her stop smoking if I wanted to. I haven't taught her anything about it being right or wrong. She made that decision on her own. When my smoking came up when she was younger & living at home, she had no problem voicing her displeasure, so it was quite a surprise when I found out she had started smoking. It might be easy to blame me, but she didn't start until almost a year after she moved out of our house, and into her current place with her stoner roommate.

    When she made the offer to smoke with me, I was quite surprised. Idecided to take her up on it because I hoped that maybe we would start talking to each other again. And it worked. That night we had a nice talk about her mother's issues & her sisters issues. On the rare occasions that she stops by now, she'll actually talk to me. That's all I wanted. I realize that it might have been the wrong way to go about it, but it was something she was doing anyway.

    You all have given me a lot to think about though. I do my best to hide it from my difficult child, although she probably knows what I do. I haven't given much thought to what I will say to her when she gets older and exposed to drugs. I never thought about the "you do it" argument I might get. Now I am really giving it some thought.

    Again, I'm sorry for stirring up this hornets nest, and I promise I will take to heart the things you all have said.
  12. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Red Chief, while I respect your need to reconnect with easy child, I do need to point out that continuing to smoke up with her is a very bad idea. She's already struggling, to sat the least, at school. She has surrounded herself with partyiers rather than other kids that are being successful. She needs you to be a loving parent (even if you're step parent) and guide her to a better path. I doubt you can do that if you don't find a way onto that path yourself.

    I understand that your family has been in crisis for a long time, I really do. Your wife struggles with her own issues caused by past abuse, your easy child is flunking out of college and sinking fast, your difficult child is struggling with what appears to be profound mental health issues, and you are left to cope with it. You need to find a healthy way to relax so you can sleep at night. Find something meaningful to do regularly to relax and express yourself. Work out to relieve stress. Find time to volunteer to increase your sense of self worth. But, truly, smoking pot at this point is akin to escapism and leaves you at less than your best to deal with your family's struggles.

    I hope you find the strength within yourself to be the man you need to be.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I'm guessing this thread was put here for more thoughts. I read it and thought long and hard about it a great deal before I commented on it. I really did. Mostly because of the nature in which it was posted. So allow me to enlighten you with the same "laid back" attitude Red Chief because every fiber of my being had to leave the post and basically go kill a tree. I couldn't have said it any better than Suz did and while I'm usually known for turning the other cheek I found it damn near impossible to find any other words to describe your behaviors and logic.

    I buried a son Feb. 13, 2009. He was 19. NINETEEN. One year away from TWENTY. Isn't that what you said your daughter is? So what, not your kid. I mean MINE. (excuse me while I fight chest pains and tears) He was a good kid a brilliant child. He was getting his life together, and planning on going to technical college. He had just gotten his license. He had just gotten his GED. It took him less time than most kids to complete the test. He finished so quickly in fact, the teacher thought he gave up. He was working two jobs to help his biological Mother out. We'd had Steven in our lives since he was in 6th grade. His Mom smoked marijuana freely in front of him, and crack in private because - well it was a "hard" drug. All good sense out the window. He hated it, and he hated her for not being strong enough to stop. He'd come to our house so often he ended up there. He also had two sisters, one finished hs. The other has a baby now, and lives in the projects with her Mom, and her Moms drug dealing boyfriend who thinks nothing of lighting up a joint in front of the baby. "Oh she's too young to know anything." Sure....she's too young to breath it in too and second hand smoke doesn't burn your cortex.

    Steven left that life and did his best to go straight. His family ---HIS OWN FAMILY---drug him back down because they were too lazy and made excuses every day for why drugs are okay, welfare is okay, living low (as they say in the country) is okay. Heck even the people that live where they live think their behavior is inexcusable. But he loved his Mother, he wanted better for her - always.

    He found out that smoking a little weed here and there got rid of his depression temporarily. gets rid of a lot of things TEMPORARILY. But when you're done being high. The bills are still there, the stress is still there, the problems are still there, and you're now a little more into debt for paying for the dope. And it's illegal. Eventually his Mothers boyfriend would have him "run" a few "errands". Basically he was a drug mule. Don't think your daughter would ever do it? Yeah well I never thought Steven, who was SO utterly disgusted at his Mom's behavior and drugs would either.

    See he and my natural born son Dude - would talk at length about the drug scene because my x was a crack head, and at the ripe old age of five? My x sold my son to his dealer for a few hits of crack. Recently when my son asked to go and meet his bio-father I wasn't sure if it was to kill him or forgive him. I'm not sure he's forgiven him-but he needed to see him. Dude has never done drugs and was so hurt by how Steven had been living and died he couldn't even go to his funeral. See we (my DF and I) didn't know any of this at the time we buried Steven what he had been doing- but Dude did. It disturbed him but they were brothers to the end.

    We would find out later, that the night Steven was driving this car that night and had been smoking pot, oh just a little - it wasn't even his car. It belonged to a man who had given him his car to make a drug run for him earlier in the week and he had kept the car all week. Steven had become agitated over a discussion he had with someone (no one knows) and began drinking (out of character for him, but he was high so who knows what he was thinking) He argued with one of his uncles to the point that he got out of the car and began walking. THAT uncle is alive. The other uncle and a friend stayed in the car and were both killed in the crash.

    Five minutes from his Mothers house Steven took a curve and went off the road. The car rolled and burst into flames. The uncle was thrown out of the passenger window during one of the rolls, the boy in the back seat was thrown out of the back window during one of the rolls. Steven was trapped in the drivers seat and the car burst into flames and according to the uncle who lived just long enough to talk to EMT's and tell them he could hear Steven screaming for help as he burned alive. There wasn't anything left of the car that you could recognize by the time the fire dept got there. Itty bitty pieces about 4" long of fiber glass littered the entire site, that glass and charred pieces of rubber.

    No one said but Steven was basically cremated in the car. There were no bones really, nothing left essentially to bury. There was part of a frame and the roof of the car had gotten so hot there was almost nothing left. We would also find out later that the reason the car exploded when it rolled -which is not typical....was that there was jugs of liquid in the trunk for making meth. It cost him his life. It cost three men their lives.

    It makes me angry, it took me six months to forgive his bio-Mom, because after all she was so stressed out the day she found out he was dead alls he did was smoke pot. Even the loss of her son didn't stop it. We went to their home in the projects to pay our respects and take food, and a memory gift and there on the table was nearly 1/2 a lb. of pot. It just said to me " HIS LIFE DIDN"T matter."

    So when you're sitting there thinking..."I have to smoke this to relieve stress?" There are better ways. Or if you are thinking...."Smoking pot never HURT anyone?" BULL. It killed my son. If you say "It's a gateway drug." OPEN YOUR this again. If he thought it was OKAY for his MOM and his Mom's boyfriend....then it was OKAY for him, and man what an example to set....pot's okay.....then meths okay, meths' okay...then hauling the stuff is okay, and oh well MY kid will know the difference.....she's smart. YEAH...well money is tight...dope is easy...if it wasn't? Who would you get your stuff from....? You just have to ask your self over and over what if.

    I miss him....more than I could ever tell you or anyone else. I'm so glad I'm not bent so easily. I sleep better at night.
  14. maril

    maril New Member

    Star: I am so sorry. He is resting in peace and suffers no more. I am sure you all are heartbroken and I hope you will find peace.

    Substance dependence (marijuana) has caused loads of problems here and I live tentatively, hoping my son won't fall back, after all he and we have been through.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Steven is in a better place. Thank you. But we are here, and we are human a little selfish, and the fact still remains; had drugs not been a part of it? We would all still have him here to enjoy every day. That's the point I'm trying to get across. Drug abuse caused me to be beaten by my husband like no other woman I've ever met who has survived, caused my marriage to end in divorce, caused me years of therapy, caused my son a life time of mental scaring and abuse, caused him to loose his Father, and took Steven from us. Each time? It ALL started with "I just smoke a little pot..I don't see what the big deal is."

    So while I'm not necessarily into public floggings - in this instance? I really want someone to see the other side of the cause and affect, not just pull back and say "Oh, hey, sorry...." That doesn't cut it anymore with me regarding adults who use drugs in front of around or even ELUDE to the fact that they think it's okay to do drugs with regards to children because they really DO watch us.
  16. judi

    judi Active Member

    Personally, I think Red Chief is just trolling and I think the less we say, the better.

    What drivel.

    Star - your grief is palpable. Thank for sharing but I bet the point is lost on RC.

    Marijuana has ruined/hurt/impacted many of our families. As we all fight for some sense of normalcy, we don't need trolls!

    Adios Red Chief.
  17. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Star, thank you for sharing your story. I am sure posting it <during this situation> was even more difficult, but maybe those who you were "directing", got the point.

    To the rest of us, we all know that smoking pot is not the answer to our own problems, our kids, our loved ones, or any other idiot out there on the streets.

    I'll also take this to another side, a personal side for me, on the "drug mule" topic. Readers here need think about how some of us feel when we know our kids are dealing drugs and fueling other people's pain. I wonder how many druggies or their enabling families realize how many people are getting hurt by the fact that they have a love one out their fueling even more problems. It breaks my heart to think of how many peoples lives are changed every second of the day with a difficult child, or anyone else who is dealing drugs.
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2010