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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 703598" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Thank you all for your warm support over this transitional period for me. As I walked around town this weekend I was reminded of how stressful our Difficult Child's are...I realized that I didn't have to by hypervigilant about rounding a corner and possibly seeing him with yucky friends, or nodding out, or begging. It is a relief to me that he is in jail. I hope, as always, that more time to grow up and have his frontal cortex develop drugfree, will be on my side. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very very true, Kalahou. The time together definitely had purpose..to remind him of love and sanity and family, to remind us of his humanness. To let him be sweet again. And yes, I knew jail was inevitable, and am really glad it has happened. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Alb, you know him well. I am really glad he had that as well, and yes, he is not a young man who knows how to stay out of jail. I am glad he had that connection too. Lately I have been wondering if it is possible for him to just...drift away. To have no relationship with us. And I realized that it is indeed possible...so I think we pushed back against that day with our day of Thanksgiving. He seemed really happy. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, the sheer work. What do we know even of our own struggles as the world keeps spinning? </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are a good friend, SS. This comment made me tear up...you understand so well. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. He loved his family events. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am glad you remember and see this in him. It is really true. Under the substance abuse is still the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (pervasive developmental delay) and a very sweet person who is scared. He has never been mean, or demanding. He has just been avoidant...and slipped away. That is part of the sadness, and the bitter irony that in our attempts to "fix him" we sent him to therapeutic boarding schools and treatment centers starting in 8th grade...my sweet homeloving boy hasn't lived at home in years. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I see that clearly. I am trying to make him know it too, by shutting it down at least with me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love having erudite companions in this journey! It is true that he does not understand, in a visceral way, that he is responsible. IN fairness I too did not understand that I was responsible for my life and actions until I was about 27...I just didn't go so far off the rails. And I wasn't neurologically impaired. I don't think (lol). </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am a protestant-raised bad buddhist. My kids were all bar and bat mitvahed, so he has some spiritual grounding. The 12 step programs all encourage relying on a higher power...so yes, we do encourage that and he has a path to support in that way, but it is not part of the fabric of our family.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes indeed. I swing back and forth between not wanting to hear from him with his polite lies about all the good things he is doing and then, when I don't hear from him, stomping down the increasing fear that he is dead or lost to me forever.</p><p></p><p>For now, he has called me from jail every day. He is a sodden scared shamed mess. I find that I am irritable and don't want to hear it, so each call has pretty much ended with me saying something along the lines of "karmas a <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />, dude". </p><p></p><p>I did tell him when he left jail in September that if he couldn't comply and had to go back I wouldn't accept daily calls from him any more, nor would I put any money on his phone account or commissary. I plan to stick to that, and reminded him today. For now, while he is desparate and doesn't yet have a court date or any kind of plan, I'll talk to him more, but soon enough I'll keep it down to once a week. That is my boundary. His grief undoes me, and also makes me angry. I am not willing to engage in that negative cycle.</p><p></p><p>Boundaries. Love. Accountability. Those are my watchwords right now.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 703598, member: 17269"] Thank you all for your warm support over this transitional period for me. As I walked around town this weekend I was reminded of how stressful our Difficult Child's are...I realized that I didn't have to by hypervigilant about rounding a corner and possibly seeing him with yucky friends, or nodding out, or begging. It is a relief to me that he is in jail. I hope, as always, that more time to grow up and have his frontal cortex develop drugfree, will be on my side. This is very very true, Kalahou. The time together definitely had purpose..to remind him of love and sanity and family, to remind us of his humanness. To let him be sweet again. And yes, I knew jail was inevitable, and am really glad it has happened. Alb, you know him well. I am really glad he had that as well, and yes, he is not a young man who knows how to stay out of jail. I am glad he had that connection too. Lately I have been wondering if it is possible for him to just...drift away. To have no relationship with us. And I realized that it is indeed possible...so I think we pushed back against that day with our day of Thanksgiving. He seemed really happy. Yes, the sheer work. What do we know even of our own struggles as the world keeps spinning? You are a good friend, SS. This comment made me tear up...you understand so well. Yes. He loved his family events. I am glad you remember and see this in him. It is really true. Under the substance abuse is still the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (pervasive developmental delay) and a very sweet person who is scared. He has never been mean, or demanding. He has just been avoidant...and slipped away. That is part of the sadness, and the bitter irony that in our attempts to "fix him" we sent him to therapeutic boarding schools and treatment centers starting in 8th grade...my sweet homeloving boy hasn't lived at home in years. Yes, I see that clearly. I am trying to make him know it too, by shutting it down at least with me. I love having erudite companions in this journey! It is true that he does not understand, in a visceral way, that he is responsible. IN fairness I too did not understand that I was responsible for my life and actions until I was about 27...I just didn't go so far off the rails. And I wasn't neurologically impaired. I don't think (lol). I am a protestant-raised bad buddhist. My kids were all bar and bat mitvahed, so he has some spiritual grounding. The 12 step programs all encourage relying on a higher power...so yes, we do encourage that and he has a path to support in that way, but it is not part of the fabric of our family. Yes indeed. I swing back and forth between not wanting to hear from him with his polite lies about all the good things he is doing and then, when I don't hear from him, stomping down the increasing fear that he is dead or lost to me forever. For now, he has called me from jail every day. He is a sodden scared shamed mess. I find that I am irritable and don't want to hear it, so each call has pretty much ended with me saying something along the lines of "karmas a :censored2:, dude". I did tell him when he left jail in September that if he couldn't comply and had to go back I wouldn't accept daily calls from him any more, nor would I put any money on his phone account or commissary. I plan to stick to that, and reminded him today. For now, while he is desparate and doesn't yet have a court date or any kind of plan, I'll talk to him more, but soon enough I'll keep it down to once a week. That is my boundary. His grief undoes me, and also makes me angry. I am not willing to engage in that negative cycle. Boundaries. Love. Accountability. Those are my watchwords right now. Echo [/QUOTE]
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