Relationship issue...need advice

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Janet, I'm chiming in late. Sorry.

I think if you can talk to him, great. But I know my husband, and talking isn't always a real productive thing to do...If Tony's not big on discussions, what would he do if you just reserved the night? Tell him next Wednesday, we're doing this, kick the kids out that night, plan dinner and a movie or whatever, and go for it? I dunno about Tony, but lots of guys like that "take charge" kinda attitude, so long as its not TOO often and doesn't cut out TOO much fishing...Know what I mean??
 

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
Janet,

My husband isn't one to "talk" ~ he assumes I know that he loves me, will be there, etc.

What he doesn't get, is exactly what you are feeling - isolation, inability to get away from the chaos, the calls & the kids.

I email husband on a regular basis. Love notes & needs.

I wish I could find a way for you to feel better about yourself & your situation - to be honest, it bites. It's hard to build something positive out of so many negatives. All I can suggest is to find one thing - just one thing daily to make you smile. One thing that you like about yourself.

Honey, I no longer look in the mirror - I know the physcial changes that have occurred & I refuse to look in the mirror. I still find one thing daily - many days it's the same thing, that I like about me.

In the meantime, find a way to "talk" to your husband. To communicate your need to get away alone with him. Negotiate a weekend a month or something of that nature. It's important for your most precious relationship.
 

ScentofCedar

New Member
This is an excellent thread for all of us to have read, I think.

Janet, I remember when we had kids and grandchildren living with us.

It was impossible to make a marriage then, because the parenting and grandparenting roles (and the chaos and financial difficulties they bring with them) made it impossible to remember each other as people with thoughts, feelings, and needs.

I really liked the idea about buying some little something special for our husbands, or remembering to make a little magic for them in small, simple ways when we can.

Heck, bring a couple of ice cold beers and go park the car somewhere a couple of times a month, just to talk and reconnect.

I have been neglectful of my husband in those areas lately, too.

You know what they say.

Give to get.

Janet, you have an amazingly clear understanding of your own position in all this.

Just amazing.

I will try to be a little nicer, a little more understanding, of my own husband today, because of your posting.

And Janet? Happy Anniversary!

Barbara

:)
 

Tiapet

Old Hand
You know Janet, I have no answers for you as I'm in no place to really offer relationship advice at all so I'm not going to give any. Just a {hug} a big congratulations on 25 years (in a time where marriages don't last under unstressed circumstances/no issues).

I wished I lived a little closer. I'd help you and perhaps we could go out and do a few things here and there together once in a while so you could get out of the house a little (when you felt up to it - I understand that). I live that too, the lack of connections in life due to health and such. While I am no where near a one horse town I am "new" and just have no connections here and because of health lack them too.

But, I want you to understand that you made me sit back and realize something really really important from my So perspective perhaps. He is the opposite of your husband. He does darn near everything for me, happily and without question. Yes I am the luckiest lady and know it and try never to take it for granted and do for him things I can do (show him in small ways). However, he almost NEVER does anything for himself! He has so many varied interests and extremely intelligent. Before he came to be with me he had a very full life and full of activities. Now he is as housebound as I. There is no reason for him to be other then he chooses to be because of me. He needs to pursue interests.

What I'm trying to say is, thanks to you I have realized I need to force him to start taking some time for himself and doing things he likes. More then just the every other weekend trip to the library (with the kids I might add) getting books to read. He needs to actively pursue all those things he has spoken of in the past but put aside, unfulfilled. He is not, ever, bitter or resentful.

Thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes in allowing myself to become complacent in how much he does for me (cooking, cleaning, running, etc...)
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
You have given me lots of things to think about.

Jo...we have the same situation almost but in reverse but for different reasons.

Another of my really big problems is that I really dont know who ME is and what I would even like to do...lol. See...I think part of the problem is I started having the kids so young that I didnt have the chance to grow up and have adult activities and hobbies. All I have to look back on is what I did as a teen...and those were difficult child things! I dont think I want to go throwing wild parties or staying out all night drinking...lol.

When I met Tony I already had Billy so it was instant family and he was thrilled with that. We didnt even really date. I met him and moved in with him that same night. I know how the odds say we shouldnt be together but we are both just too stubborn to give up...lol. By the time we had been together a year, we had Jamie. The rest is history.

He does do so much for me and has been here for me through thick and thin. Trust me, I know it wasnt easy to live with me for all these years when we didnt have a clue what was wrong with me and I was a B from hades. Im sure he wanted to walk on more than one occasion.

As far as making the boys leave...well I cant make Cory leave because of the house arrest and intensive probation deal. He is either chained to the house or has to be in the house by a certain time. I am not so much the warden because I refuse to take on that roll. I dont get paid to be a PO. I am not babysitting him...if they want to check on them, thats their job...and unless he does something to me, I am not calling them. I do however, provide the roof.

We could maybe plan a night out at a motel once a month. Maybe...if finances work out. Just a cheapie motel six or something. The one thing we really enjoy doing together is going to concerts but that isnt something you can do all the time but we really look forward to those that we do go and see.

I really need to figure out something that is just for me. Such a conundrum. I am pretty boring I think...lol.
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Ya know, Janet, I find that I have the hardest time when I have no plans to look forward to.

I try to always keep something on the calendar in the future. If I don't, I tend to get down. If I do, then it seems no matter how far "out" it is (within reason), it really helps me to know that the break that I need is coming.

Even in the middle of the winter, when we rarely do anything fun, I mark on the calendar that exact date that I can make reservations for our camping trips, and those are great days to look forward to. Then, of course, once the reservation is made, I have exactly 6 months from that date to the date we go camping.

Dunno if it works for anyone else, but just knowing that something is planned and in the works really helps me.
 

klmno

Active Member
So- another option if you are into this sort of thing- you could try a weekend at the KOA- in a cabin (with air conditioning- some have indoor plumbing). He gets to fish- sometimes- not all the time. Find one near some place where you can see a live show. You can go online and find what kind of things are in the area for that particular place and find one that has things YOU will enjoy doing while Tony is fishing. Sleep in or sit by a campfire at night- no phones. (You can take a little tv and antennae if they don't have cable).

We went to one at Myrtle Beach over spring break- we get the 2 bedroom because it is me and difficult child- we don't get indoor plumbing. Plus, we take 2 dogs. I think it was $65 a night, close to the beach and shops and restaurants, and of course, many different types of shows and activities in the vicinity. We've also visited WV this way- I took difficult child to the horse races. (He asked to leave because he felt "this was not the place for a child to be".- Are you kidding me? My grandmother took me and taught me how to bet.)

There are always good people around to meet- or you could just take some yarn and start an afghan for Keyana!!
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Janet, you sound like an extrovert.
I can't think of anything better than having the house to myself for a month.
You've gotten some good ideas here, from discussing it with-your husband, coming up with-a compromise, to coming up with-even more ideas for hobbies. And of course, alone/together-time. That is SO important for a relationship.
Can you rent a bunch of videos while he's gone? You can get them really inexpensively now. Waaay cheaper than going to a theater.
 
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