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Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 670734" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>New Leaf,</p><p></p><p>I loved the film clip Towanda.</p><p></p><p>I lived almost my whole life alone, except for my child. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, with nobody at all to satisfy. </p><p></p><p>Living with somebody that you care about is a trade off. Sometimes it is hard to know if it is worth it. Sometimes it is hard to know if it is the right person. And then you change. Or try to. And things get really hard.</p><p></p><p>I believe M wants me to be strong and wants me get up and take responsibility for my life and myself. He wants it for himself and for me.</p><p></p><p>At the same time M has traits that are difficult. He can be bossy and critical. He can explode quickly. He can be reactive. He is direct. He lets me know loud and clear when he has had too much. </p><p></p><p>I am not afraid of him but I get afraid when he is in a bad mood or when he is mad.</p><p></p><p>He has changed a great deal already, in these past 6 years. He has done so to be a better man, and to make our relationship work. </p><p></p><p>Part of being in a relationship is trying my best not just for me, but for him, and for us.</p><p>'</p><p>I am seeing that it is not fair to him or to my self to continue stagnating, when it is within my capacity to do better and to do more.</p><p></p><p>I am not a mean person or a selfish person. But I have been selfish. I understand why he would feel as he does. I think he has tried to contain himself and to be patient and non-critical with me, so that I move at my own speed.</p><p></p><p>But enough is enough. I am hearing him.</p><p></p><p>I will try to do positive things every day and if I face barriers, to do my best to find help and support to work them through.</p><p></p><p>Thank you very much for the video. I very much enjoyed it.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking about the end when she confronts her husband. The husband was wrong to unilaterally set the limit about her friend, without talking or negotiating, like a father, not a partner. At the same time, there has to be give on both sides. </p><p>That is what I am trying to negotiate in myself.</p><p></p><p>My mother would not live with her boyfriend or marry him for the duration of their 20 year relationship. She wanted one hundred percent control of her space and her life. She saw marriage as an economic arrangement and because she would not gain financially she saw no reason to give up any autonomy or control.</p><p></p><p>It is hard to figure out where I am in this continuum. I am not my mother. Nor am I the heroine in the movie. I am not my old self, either. The reality is I do not know where I stand.</p><p></p><p>I have been buying a lot of jewelry on Ebay. It has felt compulsive. In response to Cedar's post I have been trying to look at it as a mosaic. To try to see what I have trying to work out or to represent by these purchases.</p><p></p><p>Up until now, I have seen the buying itself as the important part--kind of like gambling. I am doing this for the rush. Sometimes when the packages come I do not even open them for days.</p><p></p><p>The endeavor began because I am trying to assemble a wardrobe that will work for our trip.</p><p></p><p>For 2 years I have pretty much worn one set of clothing, Summer and Winter, washing it every night. I have a huge closet full of clothes and money to buy more. The issue was something other than economic.</p><p></p><p>I have been trying to create a persona for myself. This person who is changed from what she was but who does not fully exist in her new form.</p><p></p><p>I am seeing that what I am doing is trying to work out identity issues. I am trying things out as "me." Who is this new person? What will she wear and how will she be seen? </p><p></p><p>So in this wandering through jewelry reality I have bought Mexican Sterling and Deco and Scottish Turkish and Fruit Salad and Aurora Borealis and 60's flower power and Native American Cabochons and 80's earrings, etc. You get the drift. I even bought a cheap Cameo. At least half I have returned.</p><p></p><p>I took a little internet quiz tonight: Learn your jewelry style. I turned out to be Vintage Classic, which is consistent to what my buying has evolved.</p><p></p><p>There have been times in my life when I have had pretty clothes and was well put out but I have never had a time where I was "put together," in the sense that I have thought about each component of my dress...shoes, bag, jewelry and outfit.</p><p></p><p>I typically used one bag, and a few pair of shoes. One pair of earrings. That was it.</p><p></p><p>For some reason the idea of becoming a woman who can be put together....in these various components has become a huge goal.</p><p></p><p>Yet this person who does this does not exist. Only the stuff does.</p><p></p><p>Last year I did the same thing with stuff: I bought scuba and surfing and fishing and camping and a spinning wheel, and looms and yarn of all types and art materials...and cameras...props to make the kind of life I wanted...</p><p></p><p>All the time I was in bed.</p><p></p><p>It felt at that time that it was a destructive act, some kind of sublimation of energies...when I was in reality doing nothing. And using money that was not coming in.</p><p></p><p>But part of me thought that I was working as I bought. Working both to overcome what I was going through, the intense mourning and sorrow, and at the same time building a bridge to the other side, to the person who I would need to be when the mourning ended.</p><p></p><p>I will end now. But I will add first: I ceded to my mother and sister many, many qualities and capacities. That may have been part of me. Or may have been who I would have been had I been supported and seen. I was neither supported nor seen.</p><p>I would have sought a great deal of attention as a woman. I would have displayed and exhibited my talents and what beauty I had. I would have been witty and confident. More than I was. I would have focused on my appearance and cultivated.</p><p></p><p>I would have been dramatic. I may have been a diva.</p><p></p><p>I do not know why I think all of this, but I do.</p><p></p><p>I am not sorry for the life I led, because it was mine. And it is mine. But I want more.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 670734, member: 18958"] New Leaf, I loved the film clip Towanda. I lived almost my whole life alone, except for my child. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, with nobody at all to satisfy. Living with somebody that you care about is a trade off. Sometimes it is hard to know if it is worth it. Sometimes it is hard to know if it is the right person. And then you change. Or try to. And things get really hard. I believe M wants me to be strong and wants me get up and take responsibility for my life and myself. He wants it for himself and for me. At the same time M has traits that are difficult. He can be bossy and critical. He can explode quickly. He can be reactive. He is direct. He lets me know loud and clear when he has had too much. I am not afraid of him but I get afraid when he is in a bad mood or when he is mad. He has changed a great deal already, in these past 6 years. He has done so to be a better man, and to make our relationship work. Part of being in a relationship is trying my best not just for me, but for him, and for us. ' I am seeing that it is not fair to him or to my self to continue stagnating, when it is within my capacity to do better and to do more. I am not a mean person or a selfish person. But I have been selfish. I understand why he would feel as he does. I think he has tried to contain himself and to be patient and non-critical with me, so that I move at my own speed. But enough is enough. I am hearing him. I will try to do positive things every day and if I face barriers, to do my best to find help and support to work them through. Thank you very much for the video. I very much enjoyed it. I am thinking about the end when she confronts her husband. The husband was wrong to unilaterally set the limit about her friend, without talking or negotiating, like a father, not a partner. At the same time, there has to be give on both sides. That is what I am trying to negotiate in myself. My mother would not live with her boyfriend or marry him for the duration of their 20 year relationship. She wanted one hundred percent control of her space and her life. She saw marriage as an economic arrangement and because she would not gain financially she saw no reason to give up any autonomy or control. It is hard to figure out where I am in this continuum. I am not my mother. Nor am I the heroine in the movie. I am not my old self, either. The reality is I do not know where I stand. I have been buying a lot of jewelry on Ebay. It has felt compulsive. In response to Cedar's post I have been trying to look at it as a mosaic. To try to see what I have trying to work out or to represent by these purchases. Up until now, I have seen the buying itself as the important part--kind of like gambling. I am doing this for the rush. Sometimes when the packages come I do not even open them for days. The endeavor began because I am trying to assemble a wardrobe that will work for our trip. For 2 years I have pretty much worn one set of clothing, Summer and Winter, washing it every night. I have a huge closet full of clothes and money to buy more. The issue was something other than economic. I have been trying to create a persona for myself. This person who is changed from what she was but who does not fully exist in her new form. I am seeing that what I am doing is trying to work out identity issues. I am trying things out as "me." Who is this new person? What will she wear and how will she be seen? So in this wandering through jewelry reality I have bought Mexican Sterling and Deco and Scottish Turkish and Fruit Salad and Aurora Borealis and 60's flower power and Native American Cabochons and 80's earrings, etc. You get the drift. I even bought a cheap Cameo. At least half I have returned. I took a little internet quiz tonight: Learn your jewelry style. I turned out to be Vintage Classic, which is consistent to what my buying has evolved. There have been times in my life when I have had pretty clothes and was well put out but I have never had a time where I was "put together," in the sense that I have thought about each component of my dress...shoes, bag, jewelry and outfit. I typically used one bag, and a few pair of shoes. One pair of earrings. That was it. For some reason the idea of becoming a woman who can be put together....in these various components has become a huge goal. Yet this person who does this does not exist. Only the stuff does. Last year I did the same thing with stuff: I bought scuba and surfing and fishing and camping and a spinning wheel, and looms and yarn of all types and art materials...and cameras...props to make the kind of life I wanted... All the time I was in bed. It felt at that time that it was a destructive act, some kind of sublimation of energies...when I was in reality doing nothing. And using money that was not coming in. But part of me thought that I was working as I bought. Working both to overcome what I was going through, the intense mourning and sorrow, and at the same time building a bridge to the other side, to the person who I would need to be when the mourning ended. I will end now. But I will add first: I ceded to my mother and sister many, many qualities and capacities. That may have been part of me. Or may have been who I would have been had I been supported and seen. I was neither supported nor seen. I would have sought a great deal of attention as a woman. I would have displayed and exhibited my talents and what beauty I had. I would have been witty and confident. More than I was. I would have focused on my appearance and cultivated. I would have been dramatic. I may have been a diva. I do not know why I think all of this, but I do. I am not sorry for the life I led, because it was mine. And it is mine. But I want more. COPA [/QUOTE]
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