Relaxed to anxious in seconds

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Guidance seeker, Jan 25, 2018.

  1. It’s been a non-eventful couple of days and I’ve felt much calmer in myself.

    Today, I had walked the dog to the groomers and planned to take a bus home.

    I bumped into my son, he was heading towards my house because there was a problem with his phone and he couldn’t get in touch with his dad who he is meeting this afternoon.

    He looked pale, unshaven and red-eyed. Immediately my mum instincts kicked in and I felt worried about him. I have been giving him food so it’s the drug use that make him look this way.

    He told me his friend had smashed his phone and head-butted him last night. This “friend” is very unstable mentally and it’s not the first time he has assaulted my son. I asked my son why he continues to be friends with this person and he replied that he does not know. My son seems drawn to people that will take advantage of him and be abusive to him, he is very vulnerable in that respect.

    Anyway, within the first minute of seeing him, he started to ask me for money. He has texted a few times this week asking for £20 tomorrow, I have said no but today he told me I had said yes. He said he will be beaten up tomorrow if he doesn’t get it.

    I felt uncomfortable and anxious immediately. I rang his dad who had just finished work. His dad said he would meet him in town. My son initially wouldn’t go, saying he wanted to walk with me but when he is with me, he always tries to get more and more money. He then asked me for £2 then so he could get food. We were on a busy pavement and I just gave him it to prevent a scene (I know I shouldn’t have but it was only a small amount).

    He then went to meet his dad and I walked home (because I’d given him my change for my bus fare).

    I’m worried about tomorrow, I’m afraid that he will put pressure on me for £20. I remind myself that he used to want £100s so I’ve come a long way but meeting him has unsettled me.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2018
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know you are scared,but I don't think that anybody is beating him up or that his phone wasn't broken by someone else. These are very common things they say to get money for dope. Weren't you the one who paid off his drug dealer only to see him BUYING drugs?

    Sorry to doubt your son, but I call b s. I will go further and say he was probably never assaulted by his friend, but he knows that saying so to you is lucrative. He have any doctor bills or police reports to prove he was beaten up or stolen from? They use this all the time to get our sympathy, hoping we will give them drug money out of pity and odd guilt.

    He looks like crap, as my daughter looked like walking death, because he uses drugs that can kill him. You don't want to help him die. Don't buy those drugs by giving him a any money. None.

    If it makes you feel better to bring food, bring it. Drug addicts do NOT eat much. They puke a lot too when they are dope sick. Depending on the drug they use they may stay up for three nights with no hunger (meth/speed) or sleep for days (opjods/heroin). They look sick because of their lifestyle. I have gone on YouTube, read about addicts and studied addiction since my daughter used. Drug life is not what you think. It's unhealthy, it's lies lies lies, it's panhandling even prostitution to pay for the drug. Each addict is different yet the same. You keep thinking your son is a victim. He is a predator. They all are while using addictive substances. The drug matters, not warmth, food, us, nothing.

    If you buy his story you are buying his drugs. Your son is the only one hurting himself.

    Please take care and get therapy. You are caught up in his web and through no fault of your own not very savvy about addict behavior. You need someone to hold your hand in real time. You deserve that. I wish I could do it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2018
  3. Hi SWOT,

    I’m pretty sure his friend will have head-butted him and smashed his phone. He has beaten my son before (that time I saw the mess he caused of his face and my son tried to make out it had been caused by a dealer because I refused to pay a debt, I heard from someone else that it was his friend).

    Another “friend” once beat him so badly that the hospital had to call out the facial surgeon to stitch him up - again my son made out that this was because I hadn’t paid a debt but I found out the truth.

    He’s just telling me the truth this time because he knows I won’t believe otherwise. The friend I’m referring to actually tried to bite off his mum’s nose once.

    In the last 2 months alone he has been machete attacked requiring an emergency op, beaten up in a case of mistaken identity and head-butted last night. He is very vulnerable from his friends but he is definitely a predator to me. I am very aware of the tricks he tries to trigger guilt, anxiety and fear in me - he is expert at it.

    The debt tomorrow of £20 is unrelated to being head butted and I believe he is lying about the threat of being beaten up. I won’t pay. I haven’t paid debts off since last April, it was because I stopped that he damaged my property and we pressed charges and took out a restraining order. I was incredibly naive at first, I’m a lot more savvy now.

    I’m not taken in by him but I still worry - for him and for myself. I have gone through a huge amount of emotional abuse and had my things smashed up. It has affected me hugely and that is why the anxiety kicks in so quickly. That’s why I post on here really - it relieves the anxiety and comments from others strengthen me.
     
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh hon, you have every right to be traumatized and you are doing great.

    My daughter was attacked by boys in a park and I can only imAgine. She never told me this until after she quit. She wasn't raped, thank God, but.. in her history she was at a friend's house and at eight years old she was waiting alone in friends room while friend was helping Mom in the kitchen and a drunken visitor came into the room and raped her, telling her he knew her family and would kill us all if she said a word.

    I found out when she was fourteen. She finally told me. She never said a word before that. I have no doubt that this contributed to the drug use. Made me so sick. The man had no name to us and the family said they didn't remember who it could have been. As far as we know he is free to rape babies again. Daughter is doing well now. But why, after that was she so fearless in her teens? Who knows. She just says she blocked "it" out. I asked her why she waited until fourteen to tell us and she said she was terrified he would find and kill us and also that she was made to feel ashamed. Eight years old.

    My youngest two were molested by a teen age foster/adopted child but, as horrid as that was, we found out and turned him in and reversed the adoption and we got tons of fantastic free services and therapy and they are doing great, have always done well. The family bonded over thist tragedy and we grew closer and more trusting of one another.

    You would think I would worry about them all the time with what we have gone through but they are all living safe, productive, drug free lives and are now cautious and my youngest is in law emforcement. I chose to trust them.

    Raising kids is hard. Life can be dangerous. For anyone at any time. I am glad we all survived and thrived.

    You will too. And your son may get tired of his life and change it. Life is all about our choices. My kids could have chosen to be victims but they have not done that. They chose to be stronger than their abusers and not allow them to ruin their lives. Your son can and likely will change but you need to get out of his way in my opinion. This is so hard on our loving hearts...I know this.

    Hugs and more hugs.
     
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    Last edited: Jan 25, 2018
  5. SWOT - you and your family have been through so much. Absolutely horrible. I’m glad they got through it and are now living good, productive lives.

    You’re right in that I need to get out of my son’s way and I am gradually doing that.

    My hope is that he is still young at 20 and I’ve often heard of people who have been completely off the rails during their late teens and early 20s and who are doing great by their late 20s and early 30s. I pray that this will be the case for my son.

    I thank God for my daughter, I am truly blessed with her. She’s responsible and is doing well in her career. She’s one of the most level headed people I know. A couple of years ago, when she was 16 and things were particularly bad with my son, I remember her saying to me, “I don’t see your problem, just put him out and leave him to it”. For me at that point, it seemed unthinkable but in hindsight, she was actually giving me great advice.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I did not know that you had a daughter.

    Please,,,she deservss Mom time, no matter how old she s, and she deserves it to be about the two of you, not her brother being dragged Into the conversation. in my opinion for a mother there is nothing like the closeness and friendship of a loving daughter. I love my boys. I always will. But I am friends to both my girls and tickled that I have a granddaughter. Cherish your time with her. Soak it up.

    I am close to all my grown kids and none are on drugs anymore,but I can do things with the girls that my boys have no interest in such as shop til we drop lol. They confide in me. It is special.

    Do not let your son interfer with your daughters relationship with you. And don't talk about your son to her. He is not her problem. My three younger kids do not want to hear me complain about my oldest. Like your daughter, they think I should stop talking to him since he can be mean and has abandoned everyone in the family but me. I can't do the latter, but I don't talk to them about him.

    I am glad to know you have an awesome daughter. My girls are my best friends.
     
  7. I keep her out of things as much as I can. When he lived at home, he was stealing from her and the problems at Home upset her to the point that she considered moving out. That was my main push I needed to put my son out, she deserved better.

    Her boyfriend joined us for tea tonight and as we sat round eating lasagne and chatting, I thought how my son’s life could be just like ours and so much happier if he hadn’t found drugs.
     
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you had fun!

    Try not to let your son's life invade on your daughters time. Shoulda, woulda coulda...he doesn't want a peaceful, sane life. Try hard to let him go when you have Daughter time

    Hugs!
     
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hs

    I have been ther ans caves and given small sums just to end the harassment. It took me a long time to say No and mean it. And there are days I still fall down the rabbit hole. It is what it is. Tomorrow is another day.

    Big hugs to you. ❤️
     
  10. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Gosh, GS, how upsetting for you to see your son this way! I think it took great strength to not cave in. It is so hard to know what to believe with their stories and thus one must have been hard to turn your back on. Credit to you with your strength! I will hope and pray with you that they will get either bored of this life or grow out of it! xx
     
  11. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    SWOT, wow, what a sad sad story about your daughter. Your family has suffered so much. Your strength is admirable and it gives me hope xx
     
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  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks. My kids are strong and our family unit is very tight. Still...it did not keep my oldest daughter from her drug days, but she did quit. My kids are my heroes.
     
  13. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    He sure knows how to pick good "friends". Your son is living in a drug house with other addicts which puts any chance of recovery in jeopardy. If he cared about stopping his drug use, he would have already left. Those people are dependent on each other and are using each other in a very dysfunctional way.
     
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  14. Crayola13 - My son was in a shared house with a much older heroin user when he was homeless - the hostel is closed so the council housed him there. He has a rented flat and lives alone now though but his unpleasant friends have gone round at times and stayed over once.