Relentless Responsibilites

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by goldenguru, Dec 7, 2008.

  1. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member


    So I went to bed rather depressed last night. Pretty unusual for me actually. As I drifted off to sleep I kept trying to put my finger on my overriding emotion.

    I figured out that I'm pretty tired of the relentless responsibilities. As moms (and wives), dealing with mental health issues (or a variety of other 'issues') we have a non stop litany of responsibilities. Seems to me that I never really get a break. Seems to me that I am always taking care of someone else. Seems to me that I don't have much fun. EVER!!

    How do you handle the CONSTANT demands on your attention? The CONSTANT need to put yourself 2nd or 3rd. Sometimes I would love to scream "Will somebody please take care of me for a while". It would fall on deaf ears.

    I'm sorry for whining. I am not a whiner by nature. I've actually been accused of being more like Polly Anna. And there is the danger.

    If we don't figure out ways to care for ourselves, who's going to do it??

    What are your strategies for maintaining your balance in a topsy-turvy life??
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2008
  2. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    GGuru: My easiest and best self care step is the full and unbridled indulgence in the safe time nap.
    The ideal conditions are when the dishes are piled up, the beds are unmade, the laundry needs attention (but doesn't smell at the nap location)
    and anything else.
    What is important is: the difficult child is safe and you are free quote the octapus wife of the ceniped "if only for a moment"
    What is great if you are freash from the shower and the sheets are clean.
    Then when that nap feeling is there already lay your head on the pillow(if you like that sort of thing) feel that cloudy lift into the nether side of
    life and just snooze away.
    Its free. Very likely you have all the equiptment needed or you can improvise. It is extremely rare for a parent to be arrested for this sort of thing.
    And literally everything you are leaving behind will be there when you get back.
    Any guilt associated with this can be released annonmously on line.
    No one needs to know.
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Thanks Ropefree. This quote actually produced out loud laughter. LOL.
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    When I first got my daughter, my adoption worker insisted I find some "me" time. She said I wouldn't survive otherwise. She was right. I was at my worst when I forgot that rule and never gave myself a break.

    I have learned that no matter what all is going on, I take one day a month where my needs come first. I cook my favorite foods. The TV stays on what I want to watch. If I want to do some work, I do it. Otherwise, it will wait until tomorrow. If I feel like it, I take a walk or see a movie or window shop or whatever. It doesn't matter so long as I want to do it. I tell my daughter and friends that unless they are arterial bleeding or having a heart attack don't call me because I won't be available. It really does make it possible to get through the rest of the month. Without that day for me, I end up depressed, angry and a pretty worthless human. With it, I can get through anything, even timing belts and kids moving back in.

    So, I think the trick is to force yourself to take one day for just you. Go to a spa, have lunch with friends, whatever. Leave the cell phone at home or just turn it off. You'll be amazed how well the rest of your world will survive without you. They may not like it at first, but they will like the person you are. My daughter and friends now tell me when it is time to take a ME day.
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Every single week I treat myself to an hour long massage. My insurance covers all but a $10 copay. I turn off my cell phone and for an hour I completely relax. It is a sanity saver.
  6. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Meowbunny: We deserve one day a month don't we?? Thanks for the pep talk. :cheerleader:

    EveryWoman - Ironic you should mention this. One of my dearest friends (also a massage therapist) came up to me at church today and offered me a free massage.

    I've never had a massage. Not sure I'm too wild about the idea. You really recommend this huh?

    Thanks for the idea.
  7. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    I take my newspaper and head for a upscale fast food which is quite pleasant and I go there several times a week. It rejuvenates me.
  8. maril

    maril New Member

    Such good suggestions! Definitely cut yourself loose for awhile remembering to not feel guilty when doing so!
  9. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Definitely take the massage offer! It's an amazing relaxation/rejuvenation therapy. I also schedule time - maybe an hour once a week if not more - to do what will relax me, whether a long bath or a trip to my favorite bookstore. Whatever perks you up. You're worth it!
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm a big fan of pedicures, and I choose some wild color. Makes me smile every time I look down at my aqua (or orange, or neon pink) toes.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I don't have a set schedule for my alone time and once in a while I have to remind myself to take some time for me, but I think I do okay.

    Ways in which I care for myself:

    1) Meet a friend for coffee in the morning, whether to catch up, vent or simply enjoy some girlfriend time without interruption.

    2) Go to the library and browse the new books alone.

    3) Send H to the store with easy child/difficult child and just get lost in BeJeweled all alone without interruption.

    4) Sit out by my pool (in the summer) with a glass of wine and read a book or simply take in nature's beauty.

    5) Meet a friend for an inexpensive dinner at Panara's and catch up.

    6) Get Thai takeout for lunch, close my door at work and read a magazine without answering my phone for the whole hour.

    7) At around 8:30 PM I will set my heated blanket to HI, put a glass of water on my nightstand, take an early (HOT) shower, slather on the lotion, get in my favorite jammies, close my bedroom door, turn on my white noise machine to block out everything, and climb into bed with a great book. That is relaxing. I usually doze off and sleep like an angel on those nights.

    8) Oh yeah, and a pedicure or manicure - and if I have the money, both!
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2008
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Friends were usually my greatest lifeline when things were completely overwhelming. Just getting out and forgetting about things, even if for a few hours. The trick, for me, was not getting depressed at the fact that things weren't magically changed when I walked back into the house and had to deal with it all over again... I had to focus on the "me" time and looking forward to it again.
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    The truth is, the only person who will make it a priority to take care of you.

    It was so liberating when I learned to say "NO!" and mean it.

  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Hon, you got some nice insurance. ;)

    What are they covering it under? Mine has to be prescribed for something that will show an improvement. Sad to say, I don't think "my attitude" is included.
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm big on the library. Have you listened to David Sedaris' new book? I'm waiting for it to come in. You can read his stuff and enjoy it, but he is a total hoot to listen too.

    Pedicures and manicures are great. But they can be expensive. A nice warm bath and a loofah is a wonderful thing. Then a little lotion. Tanning beds are indulgent and don't take long. You can buy a package cheap, or go one at a time even cheaper.

    Goodwill shopping. You can even treat yourself to goodwill shopping online. Such deals, and they all start at $5 or under!

    I like to take my favorite perfume and spray it on whatever lamp has been on for a while. The whole house smells nice instead of like dog.

    {{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}
  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    When my kids were younger and I was working, I needed 10 uninterrupted minutes after we got home to change clothes, pee and switch gears from employee to mom. If I didn't get that 10 minutes, it set the tone for the rest of the night.

    When the kids were younger than that, I did a bubble bath by candlelight with soothing music a couple times a week. (by the way, cellulite doesn't show up by candlelight. If they lit changing rooms that way, stores would sell a lot more. :tongue:)

    Then, before I became so ill, I'd go out with girlfriends usually once a week. We always went to the same restaurant where they knew us and we'd just relax. They came to know us so well that they let us stay after they closed (everything closes early in this town - except for the bars, of course) because the manager was there working for hours after closing.

    Now, I don't get so much me time. And I'm sure the members that read my posts week before last could tell. I finally went to my grandmother's for two days to get a break and it made all the difference in the world. I didn't even do anything special. I just got away from all the demands on me.

    I'm still trying to find something that I can do on a regular basis that is just for me. With me not working and difficult child 'homeschooling', I need to find some me time more often.
  17. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Witz, you reminded me. I got these peppermint-scented soy candles from a local store. They are so relaxing to me. That's really a good idea - aromatherapy type stuff. Whatever scent relaxes you.

    I can only get mine at Christmas time, so I stock up. But, when I was talking to the owner one day, she said they make their own so if I run out to let her know and they'll make one for me! It's so much more pleasant to shop at locally owned stores.