I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my new partner (of 2.5 years). The issue relates to his 10 y/o son. My partner and his ex wife had a troubled marriage and seperated more than once before finally ending the marriage 3 years ago. She is controlling and manipulative, abuses my partner financially and expecting him to behave as a husband for all the conveniences without actually being a relationship (like fixing things, driving the kids about, being around to give extra money, being dictated to about giving her money for gifts rather than buying for the children himself and she even expected him to spend Xmas day with them and her parents this year! and she's an alcoholic who begins drinking before the kids are in bed and is usually incoherent by 7pm. - I mention this all as it may have bearing on the son.
My partner has two children from his marriage, we do not live together, our pregnancy is accidental and is possibly the only thing holding us together. Our relationship was particularly in trouble because of how things revolve around his son. However, he has low self esteem which I feel are from childhood issues and his marriage, so it's far from plain sailing. I've known him 20 years - out of touch during his marriage though.
I recognise these issues could partially relate to my partners troubled marriage and me being perceived as the wicked stepmother, but I wonder if there's more to it.
During our time together his son has stolen from me, tried to possibly drown my two daughters (holding them under water), hurt them physically, walked in on them in the bathroom intentionally on multiple occasions despite warnings, lied to all of us, exposed himself to urinate in inappropriate places, shone red lasers in my daughters eyes just moment after been told about the safety issues around this, worked to undermine decisions we've made together as adults - and succeeded, climbed out of various windows in my home and on holiday on multiple occasions, trapped my daughters in a room and locked them in, thrown stones, induced my children to lie to me to cover his behaviours, lied about being in pain even to the point of taking medication in order to keep his father from being alone in a room with me, had hugely manipulative tantrums screaming that his father doesn't love him and sobbing hysterically until he is the sole point of attention and then maintaining lower level behaviours to keep the attention - several times and for several hours, demonstrated highly risky physical behaviours in front of his sister and my daughters in terms of climbing and running away whilst out.
On a day out we set a limit for each of the kids to buy treats, he decided it shouldn't apply to him and refused to have soemthing within his budget. Then when the others and I went on a ride designed for smaller kids he spent ages working on his dad to be allowed the item he wanted and by the time we got back he had it. He knows I identify what he's doing so he won't do it in front of me. So his sister and my girls all had settled just fine and bought something within the limit but he had to be exceptional - it's happened many, many times. etc etc etc There are so many more examples....too many to list.
Without me around (ie not just step mom issues) he has also been known to punch his father in the stomach in public,he spent his first day of the new term pulling down trousers and underwear of all the kids in the playground, turned over (huge) house plants in revolt of being told he is going out somewhere (with notice by the way), run away and vanished in public parks, found discarded beer cans and drained them and eaten mushrooms found outside (no adult advice on safety - just eaten despite knowing not to), he has stolen from his father, told tales of his mother being violent (no evidence....not sure on that), pushed his younger sister in the water (another non swimmer), declared he will not eat certain foods even though it is known he likes them, manipulated about money, destroyed behaviour charts and thrown items away which are of significance. He is also known to act very loving when it suits him and usually just before he does something extreme in terms of manipulation. He can be an absolute charmer but it seems to be entirely inconsistant with his overall behaviours.
His IQ seems high, his capability of achieving at school is obvious but he has no interest in anything except himself, many of his actions also run at the expense of his little sister. Such as determining he is the only child who can sit in the front of the car, he is the only child who can makes choices when given the option to pick at the supermarket what to eat and will deliberately and very cleverly set out to distract from his sisters choices/decisions if they were to take turns. (Explanation is very long) He speaks to his father with complete distaste, disrespect and rudeness, expecting his father to comply with his choices and will completely kick off if he doesn't get his way. during a conversation I had with him he admitted he doesn't see his father as in charge and does as he pleases and there's nothing his dad can do to stop him. He's also spoken to his dad about hating me because he gets into trouble and 'can't even breathe'. I expect that to be the case as the wicked stepmother and as a parent who doesn't generally entertain bad behaviour from my own children.
There's other much smaller issues around manners, gratitude, taking turns etc but these I perceive as standard slightly naughty behaviours.
It's all caused the most horrendous stress, arguments and issues where his father refuses to deal with the son. He even forgets the volume of incidents or forgets the nature of them. He cannot see how the volume and severity of issues has reached such a pinnacle for me. If we speak about issues he admits he has forgotten most of them until I mention it. He feels some of the issues are 'just being a boy'. We used to argue often about it but since I refused contact we argue much less. However, it is clear that my partner still cannot cope with him. He speaks about him in unfavourable terms at times but is very defensive all the same. He feels that if the son is doing ok at school and is described by other parents as polite during visits then he must be ok, but still cannot make him behave favourably at home.
I did make huge efforts, spending time with my partners kids whilst mine were with their own dad, sitting and chatting with father and son about our situation, using advice books to gain insight, spoken to counsellors and psychologists about step parenting and his behaviour and even used my own training in communication to help give the child a feeling of control and equality. I now feel that was a mistake unfortunately.
I've refused contact with the son for over a year now as the arguments got completely out of hand and stressful and split us up a few times, but as this pregnancy advances my partner is becoming more insistant that I must have contact with his son and makes out I'm being unreasonable.
I feel I'm reducing my own stress and maintaining the safety of my daughters by avoiding contact and leaving the boy to be his fathers concern instead of trying to help (which was welcomed in earnest but became an issue when it meant seeing through consequences to behaviour or behaving consistantly in the fathers role). His son has been accessed by a local company who try to identify issues such as ADHD, ODD etc etc He was ruled out as having a hearing issue which was the first port of call but neither parent took the boy back for the later tests/assessments he was invited to have to establish what was causing the issues. Neither parent is willing to take him back. I don't know why - I suspect my partner is going down the avoidant route. Head in the sand.
I have concerns how the son could be with the baby when it arrives. Apparently he despised his sister when she was born and although he's ok with her now he appears extremely selfish and not interested in her.
My partner doesn't live with his son and sees both children for access regularly.
I feel I'm doing the best thing to refuse contact but I have no one to talk to about this, therefore only my partners view to consider. I've already lost one friend who can only see the childs side as being vulnerable as she was in care as a child herself. I see my own children as being at greater risk.
I don't have any interest in building a relationship with the child anymore, despite big efforts and research into the role of step parenting, as I feel there's too much happened and he poses too much of a risk to my daughters and I.
We even took the matter into relationship counselling but we didn't really get anywhere and my partner hasn't acted upon any of the strategies discussed. He also spoke to fears that social services might become involved if they had any idea of what was going on - yet in the same breath he denys the severity of his sons behaviour.
Any advice would be gratefully received at this time. I feel so utterly overwhelmed.
My partner has two children from his marriage, we do not live together, our pregnancy is accidental and is possibly the only thing holding us together. Our relationship was particularly in trouble because of how things revolve around his son. However, he has low self esteem which I feel are from childhood issues and his marriage, so it's far from plain sailing. I've known him 20 years - out of touch during his marriage though.
I recognise these issues could partially relate to my partners troubled marriage and me being perceived as the wicked stepmother, but I wonder if there's more to it.
During our time together his son has stolen from me, tried to possibly drown my two daughters (holding them under water), hurt them physically, walked in on them in the bathroom intentionally on multiple occasions despite warnings, lied to all of us, exposed himself to urinate in inappropriate places, shone red lasers in my daughters eyes just moment after been told about the safety issues around this, worked to undermine decisions we've made together as adults - and succeeded, climbed out of various windows in my home and on holiday on multiple occasions, trapped my daughters in a room and locked them in, thrown stones, induced my children to lie to me to cover his behaviours, lied about being in pain even to the point of taking medication in order to keep his father from being alone in a room with me, had hugely manipulative tantrums screaming that his father doesn't love him and sobbing hysterically until he is the sole point of attention and then maintaining lower level behaviours to keep the attention - several times and for several hours, demonstrated highly risky physical behaviours in front of his sister and my daughters in terms of climbing and running away whilst out.
On a day out we set a limit for each of the kids to buy treats, he decided it shouldn't apply to him and refused to have soemthing within his budget. Then when the others and I went on a ride designed for smaller kids he spent ages working on his dad to be allowed the item he wanted and by the time we got back he had it. He knows I identify what he's doing so he won't do it in front of me. So his sister and my girls all had settled just fine and bought something within the limit but he had to be exceptional - it's happened many, many times. etc etc etc There are so many more examples....too many to list.
Without me around (ie not just step mom issues) he has also been known to punch his father in the stomach in public,he spent his first day of the new term pulling down trousers and underwear of all the kids in the playground, turned over (huge) house plants in revolt of being told he is going out somewhere (with notice by the way), run away and vanished in public parks, found discarded beer cans and drained them and eaten mushrooms found outside (no adult advice on safety - just eaten despite knowing not to), he has stolen from his father, told tales of his mother being violent (no evidence....not sure on that), pushed his younger sister in the water (another non swimmer), declared he will not eat certain foods even though it is known he likes them, manipulated about money, destroyed behaviour charts and thrown items away which are of significance. He is also known to act very loving when it suits him and usually just before he does something extreme in terms of manipulation. He can be an absolute charmer but it seems to be entirely inconsistant with his overall behaviours.
His IQ seems high, his capability of achieving at school is obvious but he has no interest in anything except himself, many of his actions also run at the expense of his little sister. Such as determining he is the only child who can sit in the front of the car, he is the only child who can makes choices when given the option to pick at the supermarket what to eat and will deliberately and very cleverly set out to distract from his sisters choices/decisions if they were to take turns. (Explanation is very long) He speaks to his father with complete distaste, disrespect and rudeness, expecting his father to comply with his choices and will completely kick off if he doesn't get his way. during a conversation I had with him he admitted he doesn't see his father as in charge and does as he pleases and there's nothing his dad can do to stop him. He's also spoken to his dad about hating me because he gets into trouble and 'can't even breathe'. I expect that to be the case as the wicked stepmother and as a parent who doesn't generally entertain bad behaviour from my own children.
There's other much smaller issues around manners, gratitude, taking turns etc but these I perceive as standard slightly naughty behaviours.
It's all caused the most horrendous stress, arguments and issues where his father refuses to deal with the son. He even forgets the volume of incidents or forgets the nature of them. He cannot see how the volume and severity of issues has reached such a pinnacle for me. If we speak about issues he admits he has forgotten most of them until I mention it. He feels some of the issues are 'just being a boy'. We used to argue often about it but since I refused contact we argue much less. However, it is clear that my partner still cannot cope with him. He speaks about him in unfavourable terms at times but is very defensive all the same. He feels that if the son is doing ok at school and is described by other parents as polite during visits then he must be ok, but still cannot make him behave favourably at home.
I did make huge efforts, spending time with my partners kids whilst mine were with their own dad, sitting and chatting with father and son about our situation, using advice books to gain insight, spoken to counsellors and psychologists about step parenting and his behaviour and even used my own training in communication to help give the child a feeling of control and equality. I now feel that was a mistake unfortunately.
I've refused contact with the son for over a year now as the arguments got completely out of hand and stressful and split us up a few times, but as this pregnancy advances my partner is becoming more insistant that I must have contact with his son and makes out I'm being unreasonable.
I feel I'm reducing my own stress and maintaining the safety of my daughters by avoiding contact and leaving the boy to be his fathers concern instead of trying to help (which was welcomed in earnest but became an issue when it meant seeing through consequences to behaviour or behaving consistantly in the fathers role). His son has been accessed by a local company who try to identify issues such as ADHD, ODD etc etc He was ruled out as having a hearing issue which was the first port of call but neither parent took the boy back for the later tests/assessments he was invited to have to establish what was causing the issues. Neither parent is willing to take him back. I don't know why - I suspect my partner is going down the avoidant route. Head in the sand.
I have concerns how the son could be with the baby when it arrives. Apparently he despised his sister when she was born and although he's ok with her now he appears extremely selfish and not interested in her.
My partner doesn't live with his son and sees both children for access regularly.
I feel I'm doing the best thing to refuse contact but I have no one to talk to about this, therefore only my partners view to consider. I've already lost one friend who can only see the childs side as being vulnerable as she was in care as a child herself. I see my own children as being at greater risk.
I don't have any interest in building a relationship with the child anymore, despite big efforts and research into the role of step parenting, as I feel there's too much happened and he poses too much of a risk to my daughters and I.
We even took the matter into relationship counselling but we didn't really get anywhere and my partner hasn't acted upon any of the strategies discussed. He also spoke to fears that social services might become involved if they had any idea of what was going on - yet in the same breath he denys the severity of his sons behaviour.
Any advice would be gratefully received at this time. I feel so utterly overwhelmed.
