relieving myself of tension

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by hamsterwheel, Feb 18, 2009.

  1. hamsterwheel

    hamsterwheel New Member

    I need somewhere to put my thoughs, just to get them out, leave them and be able to move on.

    My now 11 difficult child was sexually abused by her best friend's brother the week before Christmas and life has been a roller coaster ever since. She has never connected with a therapist over the years and we have had many, and have been fortunate she has made so much "progress."

    I was begining to think there was light at the end of the tunnel. Nearly a year without violent outbreaks and abuse. Now this.

    We have just begun victim therapy but it's not going so well. I can get her there, but... explosive meltdowns and violent behaviors are not allowing therapy. Since the incident, she is having seperation issues, where she is terrified to be without me but it depends on where we are and what the situation is.

    Last night the therapist wanted a few minutes with me before she sat with difficult child and WOW I could have never anticipated what happened next. She stormed out of the building and proceeded to kick the door, punch the window and scream on top of her lungs outside the building, mind you on a very busy street. The therapist held the "session" with me in the hall so we could keep an eye on her. I needed to be there whether difficult child wanted to or not.
    Well victim therapist said, I can not treat her until she is stable. The problem, I, nor the many doctors seem to be unable to stablize her.

    I left feeling so defeated. What do I do now? I've read all the recommended books, continue to do behavior modification, she is in a behavioral school and pick my battles.

    I've looked into residential but because of her age, she doesn't qualify until she is 16! What children younger don't have issues?!

    I am completely exhausted, frustrated, desperate and clueless. I am the type of person that wants to fix things, I can not fix my difficult child. I know this, but I was at least hoping like could be manageable.

    Mind you, I can't even begin to tell you the disruption this has had with sometimes husband and easy child.

    What to do???
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry to hear about your daughter being abused. The poor thing. Like she needed more things to worry about. Like YOU needed more things to worry about.

    I guess this might be a silly question, but does the therapist specialize in sexually absed children?
    I would for sure find someone that knows the aspect of treatment.

  3. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Try your local sexual assault hotline for referrals to someone who can help. I was a 12 year old girl when it happened to me. My defense mechanism was perfection - good student, good kid, who for years never allowed anyone to get close.

    There is help out there somewhere.

    Tell your daughter there are survivors out here, all in her corner, praying for her strength and recovery.

    What about prosecution of the abuser? That may help her sense of justice. When bad people to bad things, they are supposed to be held accountable.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member


    First I am so sorry for what happened to her. That is a traumatic thing to happen to a child that age, and let me just say being a survivor myself you should be quite proud of yourself for taking all these steps to help her and being open about the occurance to help her. YOu would be amazed alot of parents embarrass over things such as this.

    I'm going to throw some sensitive questions out there yet their coming to mind. The incident you have to think of where it occured, what time of year it occured, also were there any strong smells wherever it did occur, also does she see this person with whom did it to her even in the neighborhood at all in passing, do her friends know.

    Someone with whom is abused is not unmanagable, she will come around it's just going to take alot of time and patience yet dont' lose hope. PPl can be triggered by smells, time of year, all the things i listed. Also I think a group session for someone her age with kids her age if there is indeed one would be best and also as the others said someone who is trained in this area particularly.

    So, why is she on the abilify I wanted to ask? Is it due to her behaviors since this occured? Is she able to attend regular mainstream school?

    There are several books that are great on this topic I have to look them up to remember who the authors are yet it speaks in detail on how to get a child through this sort of thing. Also she was not diagnosed with ptsd??

    Sorry I rambled yet hang in there, your doing a great job. Just be as patient as you possibly can and spend one on one time with her if you can and prompt her to talk about the upsetting event. She's got it all in there and she's gotta get it out. Her seperating is also really normal i'm sure you know. Her minds' protecting her because it's too overwhelming to process.

    sending you alot of hugs. you can pm me for the names of the books if you want

    ((((Hugs to you and her)))))
  5. hamsterwheel

    hamsterwheel New Member

    The victim therapist specializes sexual assault, provided by the prosecurors office. The 17 year old abuser has been arrested, is in detention and facing trial. The behavior issues, the reason she is a difficult child is the obstacle. She has regressed to her former self, unco-operative, aggressive, stubborn, controlling down right defiant and violent. Therapy with her regular couselor has been suspended until this "treatment" is completed due to conflict??? Doesn't matter much, she doesn't talk with her regular therapist, we just go through the motions. It's not very productive. I have exhausted all the options/doctors my insurance can offer. Her weekly therapist is the only one difficult child will tolerate so we stick with it, because we were out of resources.

    difficult child has now lost the only friend she had as the abuser was her friend's brother. We have be isolated from friends and family as I do not want to have to explain or be told to "get a handle on that kid." People in the "normal world" just don't understand difficult child, nevermind this situation.

    husband and I, (stepdad to difficult child) are not speaking, due to him not willing or wanting to understanding she is not the average child, has different needs which also need to be addressed less traditionally.

    I do not feel as hopeless as I did yesterday or this morning but I still do not know which direction to go or what to do. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

    Thanks for the support and a safe place to drop my thoughts
  6. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    This was kind of my daughter. She has CP, but I am sure that if she could go around kicking and hitting things/people, she certainly would have done it! She has had some problems in the past but they did get worse when her Dad had to go to Korea for a year and during that time was sexually molested by a neighbor during that year (2 yrs ago this April). She was eventually placed in the psychiatric hospital this past August because I couldn't handle her following me around the house for 5 hours any longer asking the same questions over and over. Couldn't even get out for 20 minutes that she wasn't blasting my cell phone 20-30 times with either phone calls that I wouldn't answer or text messages! She had threatened before to take all her pills (was on Lexapro at the time only). Then my niece heard her saying something about committing suicide around her 7 yr old daughter who already has mental issues herself and told her off! The next time, she said something to my son about a knife and cutting herself. I said that was enough and I was tired. I needed a break and some help. They admitted her under ER due to her response to them that she didn't know why she was still around. She was there in the psychiatric hospital for 8 days. She FINALLY had a psychiatrist that understood and saw her for what she truly was and what was needed! I am so sorry that your daughter cannot get the help that she needs. And I know you are truly frustrated because you can't find a doctor who will help her to stabilize, but then can't find a therapist who will help her unless she is stabilized. Between a rock and a hard place and your really feel like slapping someone! Sounds like your daughter, like mine truly needs another mood stabilizer besides just Abilify. She probably suffers from some form of depression as well due to the abuse. I know that would be enough to throw me into a depression! And since she can't really connect to anyone, you can't truly understand how or what she is thinking.
  7. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    Very good point as well. Is there a 411 in your phone book for a possible support group for her? Those are free and could possibly help her and may be able to also lead you in the right direction to get her the help she truly needs.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It would probably be helpful to get a copy of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It can help you explain what your daughter needs to your husband, by helping him understand how her mind works. It also can help you cope with her actions.

    I am so sorry she was abused. That is enough to make anyone regress, in my opinion. Many of her actions may be self-protection. If she doesn't let anyone close then no one can hurt her again, Know what I mean??

    It is going to take all the patience you have, but you must stick by her through this. I would contact a Rape Crisis Center to find help for her. They should have groups and docs and other forms of support.

    This kind of abuse can destroy a parent as well as the child who was abused. It would problem be good for you and husband to get some therapy also.

    Gentle hugs.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i am so sorry that you and husband have a strained relatoinship right now as well due to all of this. often parents bio ones cannot grasp the diagnosis or understand our challenging children so hopefully in time he will come around. My ex still doesn't get it after 7 years.

    as far as the rest of it goes you have handled everything perfectly it sounds like. if i can come up with any ideas i'll send them your way