husband and I are coming close to the end of the line with-difficult child. We have all made so much progress, but we are all exhausted. difficult child will be going to public school soon, and that will help him immensely, but right now, husband and I need help. I lost my temper with-difficult child Mon while trying to help him with-math. I tried to call one of his school friends for clarification and he blew up. He spazzes out when I call his school friends. I don't know why. Long story short, I was his trigger, and he went after me. I tried to get out the door and he blocked my way. I elbowed him in the ribs and he wrestled me onto the couch. He had a hold of my shoulders and I had a panic attack as he loomed over me. I scratched his neck. He just wouldn't let me go. He did not want me to call the police, and the more I screamed and cried, the tighter he held me. I finally ended up in the bathroom with-my coat and cell phone and never did call the police. Today I saw my therapist (haven't been in months) and gave her an update. She didn't like that fact that I now have two sprained wrists from difficult child's assault and that he is still blowing up, even if it's few and far between. We have no respite in this area. She said that I've been looking at private biz and need to check out Soc. Svcs. I reminded her that the state just cut funding and she said to call anyway. I really want difficult child to move out but the places I checked were $75,000 and $45,000. She again said those were private and I should be able to find something else. I told her that I hadn't heard good things about state facilities (I know some of you have had good luck, but some have not), and I don't want difficult child going somewhere where the kids have all been in jail, and he's probably the only one where the parents have been proactive. She said right now, it's more about husband and me--we can't cope with-difficult child on a daily basis. Period. IOW, she changed the perspective. d*G, it would feel so good to have difficult child live somewhere else for a yr or two. We could still do holidays, but the day-to-day stress would be gone. I just bought a new mattress because the old one smelled of urine. We replace his mattress about once every 2 yrs. Yes, it has a plastic cover for both the box spring and mattress. No frame, it just sits on the floor. But his room always smells. Every single toilet seat smells. He just can't seem to lift the lid. I am always after him to clean up after himself. Sometimes he jumps sky high when he encounters me outside the bathroom door, where I've stood sentry after he has gone in. "Wipe the seat, flush, and wash with-soap and water," I say, like a robot, for the zillionth time. He leaves wrappers all over and also puts them in odd places--urns, pots, inside couch cushions. He strips to his boxer shorts the min he comes in the house, and sits at the DR table covered with-a huge black comforter over his head like Obi Wan and it's really creepy. Usually he's reading or playing with-one of the cats, so he's actually being pretty good, but just very odd. He is so Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) with-anything electronic, we have had to splice the TV cord (I hid it and forgot the hiding place 2 wks ago), put locks on easy child's and my door, and physically remove her hard drive and case when she's away at school. difficult child has ruined 5 screwdrivers breaking into her room and my office, and I found another screwdriver today but confronted him with-it b4 he ruined it. I take my mouse with-me when I leave the house. He figured out how to get past my security. (by the way, he flunked 4 classes this semester but got an A in computer. Too bad it's not a core class.) He follows me within 1/2"--literally, we bump into one another--and repeats everything a million times and I can't stand being enclosed and confined and followed all the time. I have talked to him repeatedly about how I don't like it, but I have to have "the talk" several times a week. on the other hand, if I invade his space--d*G forbid I knock on his door while he's reading--he snarls at me and tells me to go away. He brushes his teeth once or twice a week no matter how much I remind him or try to keep our routine. He showers maybe twice a week and has incredible BO. husband occasionally reminds him, and he minds husband better. I am just sick, sick, sick of living in a dysfunctional household. It's my house and I want it back. Yesterday we met with-the private school resource dir, and the soc wkr, psychologist, and IEP dir at the local public middle school. (I called the mtng) It went very, very well. But the private school resource dir just about fell off her chair when husband said he wanted to plan ahead for next fall. I said I was thinking of moving him over the holidays. difficult child has 4 F's, for Pete's sake! He's missed 15 days of school. They've basically put a 540 in place (don't know what that is, but the public school staff was impressed) and it's not working. They all agreed that difficult child has high anxiety when it comes to certain classes, and that we should ask him what he wants to get out of public school if he is moved. They said it would empower him. We never talked to him because easy child came into town last night and I made a nice, big dinner. I haven't talked to husband about the therapist's comments, either. We went out to dinner and he made me promise not to talk about difficult child tonight. But we have GOT to do something. There is an elephant in the LR and he is a passed master at ignoring it. by the way, difficult child wrote me a nice, guilt-provoking apology (he said he knew I was searching online for places to send him and he knew he wasn't the perfect child I wanted) and asked me to cuddle last night. I rubbed his shoulders for a few min but it hurt my wrists to do it for very long. The therapist asked me if I had told him that I love him, since the assault Mon. I burst into tears and said, "How can I tell him I love him when I'm still afraid and angry and hate him and love him at the same time?" She said she'll help me find a respite worker or a place to send him, but reminded me that he is not doing this on purpose. I know, but I am not in a place where I can handle it whether it's on purpose or not. I left the session with-some good ideas, one of which was to avail myself of the almost 4 acres we have. (She used the word "assault" to describe what happened with-difficult child and I hadn't thought of it in those terms, and she said I needed time to heal, do deep breathing, etc.) I bundled up in coat, hat, scarf and rain boots, grabbed an old rug, and sat outside on a path where no one could see me. I literally just sat there. I didn't tell difficult child or husband where I was going because I did not want company. (I suppose I could have left a note that said I went for a walk, but I just wanted out... yes, they were worried when I got back.) It was SO NICE. The rain finally stopped and the sun was setting and it was gorgeous. I hired a math tutor and she came over today for an hour. I'm going to call our local Soc. Svcs, and the YMCA, and see if difficult child can be picked up directly at school so I can have the entire day to myself, and just see him at dinner and bedtime. One step at a time. Deep breath. Sorry this was so long.