response from my mother

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Jul 7, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just got a response from my mother regarding that email I sent her a couple of days ago. In summary, she says these things:

    1) She's the one with an education in clinical psychiatric so I shouldn't be telling her what her issues are

    2) Her call to me on Sun was the "result of having a full-blown anxiety attack" that, she says, she believes was justified because it occurred after months of not hearing from difficult child and her being so worried about me being so secretive about him that she is having nightmares over it.

    (The only things I have not told her are what his last offense was and the name/address of the facility he is in.)

    3) If he writes her, she will respond, even if the correspondence has to go thru me, because after all (she says) all visits and correspondence have always gone thru me.

    (That makes no sense to me- I was raising him- how could visits out of state be planned without my involvement? I never made any issue about my mother and difficult child writing or talking on the phone and did not "screen" them or anything. The things I fussed at her and my bro over were things I brought up in court and the people in court were in agreement that the family was out of line and said I should monitor and supervise it.)

    I'm just writing this to get it off my chest. I'm not going to get caught up in the drama of it all. I wish she would see at some point that her nightmares and anxiety attacks are not "caused" by me and not my responsibility and that instead of blaming me when she has them, justifying calls to stir up carp, she would be better off to seek help from a prof for them. But I am fully aware that I cannot make her see that. This is where, though, I think things get so twisted in her mind. If someone abused her, it coud cause anxiety like that. But in her case, she has always suffered from panic attacks and so forth and then claimed a person treated her horribly, to seek attention and pity and retaliation for not getting her way and to excuse herself for not seeking appropriate therapuetic help- other than medications. If I have not seen her or verbally assulted her, etc, how could I cause her to have PTSD symptoms?

    This has happened so many times in the past over so many different things that I can't believe it still makes me defensive. LOL!
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just sent this email back to her. Now I'm done with it and moving on.

    "The reason for my somewhat "hysterical" call was the result of having a full-blown anxiety attack, which, under the circumstances, I believe was justified." (Her words from her email to me- in her email she elaborates about the nightmares and so forth.)

    Justified or not, since you have suffered from these off and on for many years, I am just suggesting that you get some help for it.

    If (difficult child) writes you I will forward the letter to you. He isn't allowed to send cards, exchange gifts, or anything else with anyone. Those are their rules, not mine.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Some people never get over the high-school blame-it-on-someone-else drama carp.

    Do NOT, whatever you do, take it personally. Just love her from a distance!

    Also something I have noticed... mother in law is a counselor... And she's nuts. I think that by listening to other people they get absorb the craziness...
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Step. My mother obtained a PhD in psychiatric in her 60's (with a friend helping with the research papers) but never passed the test to get a license allowing her to practice, after several attempts. She said she had anxiety attacks during the testing, at least on one attempt.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    So it's whose fault? The test???
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    i am sorry she is so clearly mentally ill and unwilling to seek help. The psychology field is CRAMMED with people like her. Many people get into it to try and understand their own behaviors and their family behaviors. LOTS of them cannot pass the test or the counseling required to get a license. Mostly because they are so mentally ill, in my opinion. (Also the opinion of my abnormal psychiatric prof.)

    You are totally right to brush her off. She is way way out in left field. The only way to deal with someone so totally irrational who won't get help is to ignore them. I am sending my warrior mom armor to help you deflect her so you can ignore her.

    You did a great job with the emails.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    She says she knew the info but just had trouble taking tests and didn't want to practice psychiatric anyway- she wanted to write. This was after she quit her job to go back to school and her friend supported her and my mom spent years telling everyone how she would eventually be making a 6 digit salary. Instead of writing about psychiatric, though, she wrote a book about our family- trashing a bunch of people according to my bro. He read it and told me this before our relationship pplummetted. I did not read the copy she sent me. This was about 6 years ago and as far as I know, the publisher never published the book.

    If you all knew some of the decisions my mother has made and things she has done over the years, you would be amazed at how anyone can make such stupid, harmful decisions and get this educated.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Susie. Since I think it's inevitable that this will end up back in the hands of the GAL at some point, I wish/hope the GAL can get over her naive way of thinking that if the grandmother says it, it must be true. I'm not sure the GAL is knowledgable enough about any mental health issue though to understand that my mom's panic is HER issue, not anyone else's responsibilty or fault and that every time my mom says she needs someone (usually me) to change something so she won't panic, it is a sign of her being controlling, not ME being controlling and no matter how much anyone else changes, it won't stop my mom from having reoccurring anxiety problems.
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2009
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Having seen LOTS of Ph.D candidates, nope, not surprised at ALL. I saw them from two different parts of the university through my mother and the Gpa next door (that we adopted). There are a LOT of idiots with advanced degrees. a disproportionate number of them have psychology and/or sociology degrees because they are so messed up/mentally ill.

    Hugs. It is tough to handle a relative who is that disturbed.

    At least she doesn't live with you!

  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I will tell you someone I know as fact. Many mentally ill people seek and education in psychology. Many wind up being tdocs and psychiatrists, many don't. They get into the field trying to figure themselves out....and usually wind up finding a way to justify their own behaviors.

    I've had this told to me by many professional sources when I was working a psychiatric unit before husband and I got together, and have found it to ring true with experience.

    Odds are your mother will never seek help.:(

    Don't worry. You eventually get to the point that what they say rolls right off your back. With my Mom I chalk it up to her illness and let it go. If she's over the top I hang up on her, whatever.

  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Odds are your mother will never seek help

    Yep that's what my therapist told me years ago. Still, I thought it might be good to put my suggestion in writing to her since I never have before. My therapist also said that my mother looks at the world with blinders on and chances are, she will never take them off. And, she told me to NEVER live within a 100 mile radius of anyone from my family again if I wanted to save myself from a life of dysfunction and emotional pain.
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Klmno - Since it looks like when difficult child is released that he will again be assigned a GAL, is it possible for you to move to a new county before he is released???? Then you would get a new GAL.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm exploring that, JJJ. Yes, it is allowed and I have mentioned the possibility to the parole officer already. I just need to find a job in an area where I am still close enough to visit difficult child and hopefully, attend family therapy while he's still in there, and figure out how to survive until I can get this house repaired and sold. If I could be assured that I could difficult child switched to a different GAL here, I might consider staying, but it looks like it would not be a good idea. I just hate the thought of trying to get re-established with the economy the way it is. And I have no idea how to survivee financially at this point.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    From having a very abusive family on all fronts, I learned a few things. My suggestion is to ignore the abusive part of the letter and not even bother to defend yourself. If you do, they adds fuel to their fire. If you choose to communicate with her at all, do it in a concrete, clinical way.

    "I will pass along your letters within the rules of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)."

    I don't think you should ever tell her to get help. She won't and will take it to be some sort of insult. I told my mom to get help too and she'd say, "Just because you love psychiatrists and labels doesn't mean we all do." Okie. I never told her again. She is what she is and she doesn't sound like she wants to change either herself or her relationship with you so I'd make any correspondence with her short and sweet and non-emotional. That worked best for me, at least. Sorry you have to put up with this. I know how bad it feels and how, no matter how old you get, we all want our moms to approve of us. The best day of my life was when I finally got somse good advice and stopped caring what she thought of me. She took her anger to her grave. (((Hugs)))
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Just think duck's back....water off a duck's back...water off a duck's back....

    Quack quack.

    Some people are amazing. And what kind of mother would you be if you DIDN'T get involved in phone calls and visits between the out of state grandmother and her grandson? Is she expecting to just pick him up for ice cream one afternoon and not bother telling you and you to be ok with this????

    Well, actually, my mother in law thinks that's ok to never mind....yours probably expects the same, too.
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Shari! MWM, I'm going to take your suggestions to heart and try to follow them , along with DL's.
  17. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Just two cents to say: Ditto. Friend of the family is a therapist, and spends all their family's money on alien conventions, convinced they are the holders of some cosmic truth or some such. Sigh. On the other hand, my Mom's got a MS in psychiatric and is a very nice, well-balanced and sane woman. What the heck happened to people like your Mom and our family friend? Hang in there.
  18. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    As the daughter of a "crazy" dysfunctional woman, I can tell you it is much easier to just ignore their behavior than even try to respond. My mom is convinced that I am who I am because of her---and I am---she allowed my grandparents to raise me! For years I listened to her "unwelcomed" advice about how to raise my own children and what I was dong wrong. It never bothered me because I know she has this need to believe she is a super parent. And I allow her to live with the delusion, because I am thankful to be alive.
  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you all! It's amazing how, even after so many years, things I learned in therapy about dysfunctional families and communicating and other stuff to try to "break this chain" comes back to me. That is very helpful. My memory for today is about the "roles" kids get placed into or get into when being raised in a dysfunctional family. You know- the "scapegoat" or the "victim" or the "manipulator", "bad kid", "fixer", etc. I know I can't completely break this cycle that gets passed from one generation to another with difficult child, but I am doing my best to raise him healthier. In some ways, I think I have but in others I must not be doing too well or he wouldn't be where he is.I don't think my family can help with that though ao I don't think I'd ever go to any of them for advice on child-rearing. LOL! To hear my mother, well, she says she knows what mistakes she made with me so now I should listen to her. This is a woman who made me stay in a 3'x5' walk-in closet for hours on end on more than one occassion when I was under the age of 6yo - while she and my half-bro (not her bio-son) "cleaned house", as I was told. Is that normal?

    I've been involved in other things all afternoon and getting ready to try to grill something before dark, so I'm good!

    I really do appreciate you ladies reading my vents when they come up and being supportive!
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2009