Right now

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Nov 4, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I am seriously thinking that my son needs to live someplace else for a while. Who do I talk to and what steps do I take to get him into a therapuetic foster care temporarily?
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I wish I could offer you some advice on how to proceed with this one. I know the other's will have helpful thoughts.

    I just wanted to say i hope your ok. :)
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Can you give us a few specifics on what's going on so we can help you sort it all out? Hugs.
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Have you been to Lon Woodbury's site? I believe he has listings of RTCs on his site. Will you be able to pay for it? Has a psychiatrist recommended it? Are courts involved?
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    He is involved in the "system" already, right. Could you talk to his PO??? If not, then I would find out how to file a CHINS in your state.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I cannot afford an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I could never get the county mental health agency's (our Children Services Board (CSB)) case manager or any authority over there to return my call to see about agency help.

    I have spent all my money and almost expended ALL credit resources paying for everything (restitution, lawyers, etc). I can't work full time because I can't trust difficult child to do what he's supposed to if he's not in school and I'm at work. They give them days off school every 2 weeks it seems and that's not to mention the time after he gets home from school that I should be working (apprx 1 hr 45mins). He isn't breaking the law right now, fortunately, but he is on probation and I'm held legally accountable if he doesn't tow the line, which he is not. He will leave and I don't know where he is. He will hang out with people he shouldn't be hanging out with. This isn't a lot or for long periods, but still, this is what lead him to get in trouble in the first place.

    He will rage if I punish him. No, I can't take everything away from him. How? I can't move furniture out of this house alone. And where would I put it? Then, he will turn my arm up behind my back if I try to put my foot down. Then, he will apologize later and end up doing what I ask and tell me that he can't help his temper sometimes. I finally found a therapist for him that might actually do him some good but I cannot afford to keep medication insurance on him. I'm having to pay it out of pocket since I can't work full time.

    There is so much damage to the house- mostly doors and holes in walls where he has raged. This is way beyond removal of a door for a fix. He needs to learn that he has to tow the line and he isn't going to learn that this way becuase there is really nothing I can do to enforce it. I can either wait and let this get worse until he costs me more, breaks the law again and ends up in state detention until he's 21, or does serious physical harm to me. I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't wait for that.

    Maybe I should wake him up now before it gets to that point. Maybe he should be awaken in a way that also sends the message to him that he has depleted everything I have and continuing to push that line has left me no choice because if we keep on like this, we will be living on the streets- out of the car. If he goes some place now and has an eye opener before this does go any further, then there is a chance he can come back home. No offense to anyone, but there seems to be a few helpful resources for those who adopt that just aren't there if it's your natural child. I have no help from family or anyone (except the support system here, of course).

    Yes, I can turn him in for a probation violation but right now, what he is doing is what most boys his age would do if they thought they could get by with it. It's just that he is not in a position to get by with even that much.
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2008
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I've already learned my lesson about expecting anything through the courts to actually help. It always cost me more and demands more of me than difficult child. I don't have anything else to give them.

    The PO is the type who accuses me of being over-protective and tells me (in front of difficult child) that I should be letting him do more, then when he keeps doing more and ends up breaking the law, she goes to court and announces to the judge that I should be held accountable for not knowing where difficult child is, what he's doing, etc. Of course difficult child hears this and this has contributed to the problem of him taking too much for granted at home.
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2008
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I wish I had some answers for you, klmno. I know I'm lucky that my mother was willing to take Miss KT, I don't know what would have happened if she hadn't. All I can offer are hugs.
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Crud.........I am so unbelievably sorry.
    Yes, you are right, this has to stop. He cannot continue on this path with you.

    Unfortunately I do not have the answers exactly. I know that in order to get out of placement/foster/Residential Treatment Center (RTC) help you have to basically qualify for medicaide. I also know CHINS is a part of it as well - other than that I am useless. It would seem your case worker would know???? If not, contact the county mental health dept.

    Also, I would PM Star and DDD - I know, they have both done this - in order to get help for their kids.

    Many, many hugs. Keep being strong. You are doing the right thing.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks all. He's seemingly very remorseful right now- not by any words but by the look on his face. He's making salads for our dinner now since I just put a casserole in the oven. Besides the obvious wrong message that I don't want to send, I would never forgive myself if he grew up and abused his wife or kids. On one good note, he did say he was sorry and that he couldn't help it and that he had a problem with his temper that he didn't know how to control. This is all good if help can be found quickly and he actually takes steps to change.

    There is just always that fine line between standing behind your child and helping them work through things and enabling them so they keep right on making the same mistakes over and over, Know what I mean?? I think I finally have a good counselor on board for him. I didn't know it at first, but it turns out that this therapist conducted the group therapy at the psychiatric hospital when difficult child was in for a week this past spring. They recognized each other immediately and difficult child told me later that he wanted to talk to this therapist because out of all the tdocs we'd seen, this is the only one that listened and understood and "all the kids knew right away that the therapist just got it". So, I scheduled weekly appts for difficult child for the next five weeks.

    Since family therapy doesn't work so well with us, I spoke with this therapist alone first and I do think he gets the point and then I asked if there was a female therapist in his office that I could see individually and he gave me 2 options. The plan is for me to sign releases for those two so they can communicate and get a better picture of things. This should keep difficult child's therapist informed about everything he needs to know while protecting difficult child's personal issues at home from the PO.

    Medicaid- well of course, this is a private therapist that doesn't accept medicaid. I know I might be able to find another, but it has taken 2 years and 10 mos to find ONE that difficult child and I both feel like actually listens and understands before deciding what therapuetic route to take.

    I had been thinking about seeing if the judge might talk to him a few mins- outside the courtroom. She said the last time he went to court that he could stop by anytime and say "hi" but that she didn't want to ever see him in her courtroom again. He's on probation until the PO recommends to the judge that he come off but he has a suspended sentence that will last until he's 21. I'd appreciate others' thoughts on this idea....??
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2008
  11. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    K: My heart is breaking for you honey!

    Try searching "Virginia Free Parent Advocates" "Virginia Free Child Advocates" and check with your local Jewish Board of Children and Family Services. They will help you immensely. Also try googling "Community Resourses".

    Let me know if I can help!

  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wish I could give some great advice. I am sending prayers your way right now. (((hugs)))