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Parent Emeritus
Rock bottom for parents of difficult children? Do we need to hit it?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 633951" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>This is absolutely true. I believe it is 100 percent the case. That is why it is so hard and we relapse over and over again in our enabling behaviors. </p><p></p><p>We love them. We yearn for them. They are part of us. They are our CHILDREN. It is innate to take care of them. It is innate to want desperately for them to have good lives. </p><p></p><p>Just like they yearn for and long for and physically desire their substances. </p><p></p><p>Same exact thing.</p><p></p><p>In Al-Anon, we know we have to be sick and tired for change to even begin. And then sick and tired has to manifest even more and more for us to start stopping. And even when we stop, we start again. We relapse. We just want it so much, for them to be safe and well.</p><p></p><p>Little by little we let go of expectations, plans, dreams, hopes, "musts" for them. Must go to college. Must get a good job. Must be a contributing member of society. Must not take drugs or drink or smoke pot. Must not steal. Must not be homeless. Must not hang out with "bad" people.</p><p></p><p>Things start to get simpler. We just want them to be safe. We just want them to be happy. </p><p></p><p>We don't get it at all--their lives---but we want to accept it, for ourselves, because we are b_ts__t crazy if we can't or don't. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Once I learned that my need to take care of him (i.e., control, manage, fix) was actually hurting him on a fundamental level---i.e., not allowing him to face the natural consequences of his own choices (that made sense to me), not allowing him to finally take responsibility and grown up (also made sense), that day was a huge wake-up call.</p><p></p><p>I was miserable and nothing I was doing was "working" and beyond that: everything I was doing was actually hurting him.</p><p></p><p>Wow. Huge. That was a turning point for me. </p><p></p><p>And then once I started to turn the camera lens on myself, instead of him, I started to see how I had done that in all kinds of relationships. And there was/is a LOT Of work that needed to be done, right here in MY HOUSE. On me. Resulting in a full-time job, and no time for part-time jobs---working on the lives of other people. (what arrogance anyway, I mean really!).</p><p></p><p>Yes MWM and Hope---we are as sick as they are. It's just not illegal.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 633951, member: 17542"] This is absolutely true. I believe it is 100 percent the case. That is why it is so hard and we relapse over and over again in our enabling behaviors. We love them. We yearn for them. They are part of us. They are our CHILDREN. It is innate to take care of them. It is innate to want desperately for them to have good lives. Just like they yearn for and long for and physically desire their substances. Same exact thing. In Al-Anon, we know we have to be sick and tired for change to even begin. And then sick and tired has to manifest even more and more for us to start stopping. And even when we stop, we start again. We relapse. We just want it so much, for them to be safe and well. Little by little we let go of expectations, plans, dreams, hopes, "musts" for them. Must go to college. Must get a good job. Must be a contributing member of society. Must not take drugs or drink or smoke pot. Must not steal. Must not be homeless. Must not hang out with "bad" people. Things start to get simpler. We just want them to be safe. We just want them to be happy. We don't get it at all--their lives---but we want to accept it, for ourselves, because we are b_ts__t crazy if we can't or don't. Once I learned that my need to take care of him (i.e., control, manage, fix) was actually hurting him on a fundamental level---i.e., not allowing him to face the natural consequences of his own choices (that made sense to me), not allowing him to finally take responsibility and grown up (also made sense), that day was a huge wake-up call. I was miserable and nothing I was doing was "working" and beyond that: everything I was doing was actually hurting him. Wow. Huge. That was a turning point for me. And then once I started to turn the camera lens on myself, instead of him, I started to see how I had done that in all kinds of relationships. And there was/is a LOT Of work that needed to be done, right here in MY HOUSE. On me. Resulting in a full-time job, and no time for part-time jobs---working on the lives of other people. (what arrogance anyway, I mean really!). Yes MWM and Hope---we are as sick as they are. It's just not illegal. [/QUOTE]
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Rock bottom for parents of difficult children? Do we need to hit it?
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