Roller coaster

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Nov 4, 2012.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    difficult child has been doing well according to the sober house owners. He has a job which he has kept for about a month, although he is only working 15-20 hours a week. He has paid the last two weeks rent but is a week behind. They told him they are willing to work with him on that. Of course, they know I have agreed to pay if difficult child doesn't.

    He changed his sponsor two weeks ago. The old one has some issues so that's likely a good thing. He mentions a lot of hard times but won't ever go into detail. This only throws me back on the roller coaster. So, I've told him if he doesn't want to tell me why he is upset then, he doesn't need to mention it to me.

    The sober house is 90 miles from me. I go near there once a week. The last two weeks, difficult child hasn't wanted to meet me. No reasons why. My al-anon sponsor (who has known difficult child since he was about 8) says he is likely dealing with guilt/shame.

    difficult child decided to come see me yesterday. He stayed 45 minutes. Said he was leaving to visit a family who helped him after his relapse, to go to a meeting, and then to stay the night with a friend and her family. He has an overnight pass from the sober house.

    Lies. I tracked his cell. He went to see his old playmate (the worst one) and stayed two hours. Then he drove around aimlessly, stopping to park in various gas station parking lots. Then he went to the old friend's house. At 10pm he went to another old playmates house and stayed until 1:30 when I went to sleep. He was back at the friend's house this morning.

    Trouble is - I got caught up in his movements. I went to find a Celebrate Recovery meeting last night ( was trying not to stay home alone and go totally insane). Stopped to do an errand before and saw his phone was close to me. I saw him park in a gas station, sit there a few minutes, then move his car to another parking lot, sit there a bit and leave. I have no clue what he was doing....maybe killing time until he could go to the friends? He didn't get out or talk to anyone.

    All this leaves me:

    1. VERY fearful. It's just fear of what is coming next and of having to deal with it all by myself.
    2. ANGRY. I'm so tried of the lies. He's 19 and should be working more than he is. I'm hurt than he won't stay here more than 45 minutes but will go see these idiots for hours and hours.

    Finally, last week I went to see the DA with difficult child's blessing. difficult child was subpenaed to testify in two assault cases that happened when he relapsed. He went one but case was continued. Huge fight in parking lot outside courthouse. One defendant chased us to gas station, yelling, insults, etc.

    Frankly, I thought difficult child didn't need near these fools. Also, I never believed difficult child (or any of them) were reliable as they were all likely high/drunk. The DA agreed and will not call him. difficult child was very happy. YET....the guy he was supposed to testify for is the fool he went to see when he left my house yesterday.

    None of this makes any sense to me...then again, I'm not an addict.

    I just have got to find a way off the roller coaster. Will feel better when difficult child gets back to the sober house this evening.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh. Are you going to tell the sober house any of this? I think I know the answer, you don't want to blow your cover. There were may times I found out lies that difficult child told but I couldn't confront her without losing my source of information. I know exactly how you are feeling. I get so sick of finding out difficult child's lies that it maskes me want to just cut off all contact with her.

    I hope he was not doing drugs while parked in any of those lots. He will probably be drug tested when he gets back to the sober house.

    I'm sorry AG. It's such an awful feeling.
  3. BKS

    BKS New Member


    You are not alone. You have plenty of support here on the Board, if nothing else. Plus, we understand like no one else does. I know I keep finding out ways my 19 year old son has and keeps lying to me and I keep quiet about it too. There just isn't a rhyme or reason for some of it.

    Kudos that your difficult child has been in treatment and in a sober house. Hopefully, if the consequences catch up with him, he will straighten out even further. I am waiting for this to happen with my difficult child.

    You are in my prayers,
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have no idea what the changing parking lots could be unless he simply didnt want to draw notice to himself by sitting in one lot long enough for someone to call the cops for a car loitering in one place for a long time without moving. That might draw attention in some places, I dont know. Here I could sit in my car and read a book on my phone for hours and not get interrupted. Of course, Im 50 years old and look like a grandmother.

    I would be more worried about him seeing his old friends. I hope he tests clean. This will be a big test for him in that if he actually was around people that are not sober and he managed to stay sober, that says a lot for him.
  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    None of it sounds good. Maybe he didnt make plans ahead of time and went to where he could when he could? Maybe he wasnt able to connect withe the family. Or maybe it was all a bunch of bull. I dont think hanging with
    old drug buddies is ever cool. Unfortunately they seem to be the available and accepting ones. Old pot head friends were the only ones who would
    Have anything to do with difficult child when she was out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Everyone else spread rumors and stayed away.....after all she was trouble.
    it is hard to detach. I still worry every time difficult child even leaves this house. Will she come home? What is she doing? I tell myself daily to remember whose life it is. I also tell myself that I have to give her the dignaty to make her own mistakes and solve her own problems. It all flies in the face of our god given "mom" chemistry that tells us to protect our own. We smell rats before anyone else....that is how our brains are wired. No advise, just
    comiserating (spelling?)
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh AG I feel for you.... I understand the worry and I definitely understand the checking cell phones and look where he has been etc.. I have done all that. However to get off the roller coaster I think you need to stop doing that. He is not going to stop the roller coaster he is on unless he decided to and wants to... but for your own sanity you need to get stop checking up on him to help yourself get off the roller coaster. He is going to do what he wants to do, and he will lie to you to do that. You know that so dont ask him questions you dont really want to know the answers to.

    Really I can see in a way that not knowing much about what is going on with my son is actually beneficial to me. I have no way of corresponding to him or checking up on him except for FB... and as long as i see something so I know he is alive it has been helpful in a way for me to know less... because in a way the less I know the less I worry.

    The sober house will figure out soon enough if he is using again and so will the other things that are in place.

    Is there really any thing you can do or any difference you can make with any of the information you find out?

  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He either pulled over to get high or to talk /text on his cell phone. The bad one....does he deal?
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Thanks everyone!

    difficult child returned to sober house on time. As soon as he texted to say he was safely off the road, I felt better.

    I agree that I need to not look. I don't look much at all....except when he is around here. I agree it is his life....trouble is, that his poor decisions end up on my doorstep.

    I think going back after being with all the playmates is a good sign.

    Busy wend.....I wouldn't be surprised at anything the bad one did.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad he's safely tucked in now and that you can relax..........hugs...........
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    SO glad he is back there!!! I really understand the rollercoaster. My difficult child will begin earning weekend passes next weekend. That really scares me... :(
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Another here that is glad difficult child returned to sober house on time.
    I too think it best to not track difficult child's movements but I understand your concern.

    Hang in there,