Rough and Tumble Day


New Member

Happy Mother's Day is how I woke up. My children wishing me well on my day today. I felt pretty good about that, of course I knew it would happen eventually. I'd have to go to work.

After "the incident" on Friday I felt ill prepared to go back to work and deal with the edgy masses of my peers and customers. I felt as though there had to be a better solution. I was not prepared for what I was in for.

I work for an online travel company as an assistant team leader in a call center environment. I get told normally many things about what people hope I do and do not encounter. I'm told many other things that I choose not to say here because it just seems counterproductive. Obviously because I deal with management things and such, it's a pretty intense job at times, but I deal.

Today, however? Not my day.

I came into work thinking, it's going to be okay. I'm going to walk in, feel positive and start my day. By the time I logged into my phone it took a while before the phone calls started filtering through. Suddenly I felt like I was being bombarded. I started my shift at noon and didn't take my first break until after 4 p.m. I had taken so many escalations at that time where I just felt like I was going to cry if I took another one. The pressure was getting to me to the point of sheer agony. I figured that I had to go through with it. I took my break after I convinced one of my peers to cover me until I could get back on the phones from my break. I called my husband and told him that one of my other peers was offering to take some of my hours if I needed to go home because he could see the absolute frustration that I was going through. By the time 6:21 p.m. came around I sent him a message saying - you wanna take 4 hours? He was so gracious enough to cover the rest of my shift. I got up and out of there in no time flat.

By the time I got back to my car, I grabbed my cell phone and started making my way through my phone numbers. Who could I call? Who ??? I wanted someone that wouldn't belittle my attempts at parenting... that means dad and brothers are not an available option. I guess that leaves very few people to whom I trust. I figured I'd call someone I've known since high school, named Rob. I cried so hard and explained to him what had been going on. I told him about how I just needed someone to listen to me, just to hear me out... not even to really do anything. That's all! I couldn't bear hearing any more hyper critical things about me, the company that I work for, or anything. I was done. I was to capacity.

By the time my conversation with Rob was nearing completion I had cried quite a bit and had explained to him in a nutshell what was going on. He was pretty concerned and wanted to help. Rob lives in Illinois and I live a few hours away from him. He felt pretty powerless to do anything but still wanted to come up and try to help us. Right now, as we speak, my husband's friend Al is on his way to pick up Rob so he can help us out at this point.

By the time I got home, my husband was upset at the kids and pretty much was just upset. He wasn't angry, just tired and frustrated. He had pretty much got to the point where he was just ready for the kids to go to bed. They finally did at approximately 8:00 p.m. and we tried to settle down for the night afterwards. I still knew I had a long night in front of me, but I wanted to spend time with him.

It seemed like forever before I could lay down with him. We had a plethora of phone calls coming in trying to make plans to get Rob to come to visit us and to help us out in our current day crisis. Finally after the phone calls ended I laid down with my husband (who just recently quit smoking marijuana as a means to cope... which I just found out about a month ago or so. This had apparently become a regular thing for the past 8 years!!!!!) and we both cried. It was the first time we were really in communication with one another so openly and so honestly about anything. I mean, granted, we've had a lot of moments... regardless of how either one of us have messed up, it still shows a lot that he loves us enough to stay. I know he's committed to us and wants the best for us all.

After he told me he had been smoking marijuana for eight of the ten years we'd been together I felt so angry and betrayed. I couldn't believe that I was just oblivious to it and didn't recognize the signs. I was so busy in everything that was going on with the girls that I didn't see what was right in front of my face. But he did the hardest thing he could have done and when we were arguing sorta one night, he told me that he has been trying to quit smoking and really needed my help. I've been a part of him for so long and I know who and what he means to me and the girls. He's not abusive, he's very kind and genuine, he's so remarkably sweet and dedicated, although a sincere PITA as well at times. Of course who can't be? It took me two days to even feel remotely comfortable to even kiss him again after that little "confession".

Needless to say, we've been through a lot together. So judgements aside, he is a wonderful man. We both cried together tonight in such a way that was really powerful. I told him that he can't go and die on me ever, because I wouldn't know what to do without him. He is the man that I will die with. He is the one that I commit myself to solely and completely and I am so in love with him. I'm so greatful that he is there to share in this pain... and I told him that. The moment was so surreal. At that moment it seemed as though the pain was starting to dissipate somewhat. I still couldn't help but feel the hurt set in when I realized that I would be left to my own devices again after he went to bed. He was physically and emotionally exhausted after I got done talking to him.

Now, here I am.....

Tonight I acknowledge that I cannot possibly fix everything and that pain is a part of the learning process. It is a character builder and boy, is it! I'm trying to humble myself and recognize that I am NOT wonder woman. I never was and never will be. Although I'm still in pain over the entire process, I'm thinking of how much this will impact me and my family.

- I will file claims
- I will write letters
- I will file appeals
- I will drive to doctors appointments
- I will get medication
- I will get my regular check ups
- I will go to work
- I will eat, sleep, and everything in between

And today is another day that I won't smoke a cigarette. I quit smoking cigarettes on May 3, 2005 and still going strong. I am learning a lot about myself and what it means to be a parent and I don't think I'll ever stop.

I have emotionally wore myself out for the day and think I'm going to go sleep soon.

Oh, and by the way... I understand that ODD/Depression may not be the diagnoses that will last. I understand that doctors sometimes will try to put a label and just pass it off. It makes sense. And then there are the doctors that truly are doing their job and want to make that difference and come to the root of the problem. Who knows. I think unfortunately until part of that waiting game has been completed, I'll be sitting here feeling like a complete and utter basketcase. Until such time as we're able to see movement, I will need everyone here. I will vent and try to be a mom. Not super mom, just a person.

Tonight has been a long day. It tried my patience. It even made me wish that my own life was over. I'm too smart for that. Honestly, why would I do that? Regardless of all that, I'm still here and I'm just tired and frustrated.

Tomorrow will be another day of running around and doing lots of things that need to be done.

Take care!!!!



Active Member
You did good today. You took time out when you needed it and you sat WITH your husband and took stock. You called for help. You did good.

ODD/Depression is a starting point. At least you have someone telling you that this is NOT bad parenting. I do think there's almost certainly more, but it's somewhere to begin to get help for your child. Congrats to you and husband both, for staying off your respective weeds! It's not easy in times of stress and crisis.

You've taken stock and had a talk, now you need to sit down and draw up an action plan. Right now there are maybe a lot of loose ends you don't know about, but you've made a good start with your list. Just remember - take your time, don't take on too much and follow each task through to completion before you tick it off and move to the next task. Despite feeling overwhelmed right now, you WILL get to a point where you look back over your list and think, "Wow! Did I accomplish all this?"
Some of the tasks are ongoing, but each time you involve yourself and continue the necessary communication with therapist, school or doctor, you have made one more step towards the ultimate aim for every parent - your child to be happy, productive and independent.