rough birthday dinner! :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mama2three, May 2, 2012.

  1. mama2three

    mama2three New Member

    Thank you all for being so supportive. We actually had a great day yesterday. My Grandma had a special birthday dinner for her and my Dad who's birthdays are only a few days apart. She was being induldged as you should be on your party! So that made for a great night. It was so nice compared to the early week/weekend we had.

    A close family friend of our who was at the dinner is a counsler. We began talking about it and she said that I definitly need to have her seen asap. She like you all said early invention is key. She was thinking Rae is more along the line of ODD?

    My Grandma is the one who baby-sits my younger two while I work. My DS1 comes to the school I work at! :) But, when mention of this came up my grandma got severly upset with us talking about the problems we have been having. A little backround on this situation. My grandma also is rasing my 15 y/o cousin who has some issues as well. Her mom has some serious serious emotional issues which led to my grandma getting custody of my cousin. Anywho, My cousin has erradic behaviors. Severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ADHD, Bi-polar. It's sad because she is very smart beautiful. My grandma was in denial about it untill a recent suicide attempt my cousin made. :( I hope I'm not putting too much out there but to fully understand what i'm getting at you need backround.

    When me and the counsler were talking about Rae and her behaviors, my grandma began grasping at anything she could think of to explain what was causing this. Everything from what she eats, to where she sleeps, to Langauge issues. I was really upset with her because all of the things she was basically accusing me of we things I control in my home. She told me that she doesn't act out while with her only rarely if she is tired. I felt like she was saying it my fault I see these behaviors. Then I realized that this isn't me. Because i'm the kind of mom who when I say no it means no thats when we have issues. My grandma is very very submissive as she was with my younger cousin. She gives in to any demands and never say no. She makes "deals" like instead of eating whats on your plate to get dessert its, come on sweetie please take one more bite then you have have all the dessert. Am I wrong? It should not be that way? Adults are the ones in charge not the kid. Especially a child who has these tendencies? Its also my SO any mention that Rae may have some kind of problems he totally disreguards me, blows me off, and tells me I should never say things like that about our daughter. The only people who really see it are my Dad and Mom. I think that is because they dealt with my older brother with similar problems.

    ahhhh Ok I feel alot better about that. I can't tell you how much better I already feel. I still feel like I, myself am in a little bit of denial? Like am I just overreacting? But, I feel in my heart i'm not. It's not every single day we have issues but atleast 5 out of 7 days a week. Sometimes multiple issues in one day.

    One question should I make an appointment now? I have just started making documentation. Will I be dismissed if I don't have enough? The family friend also suggested a child phsycologist? Any thoughts?

    Thanks again For making me feel at home!

  2. keista

    keista New Member

    WOW! ((((HUGS)))) Can we say DENIAL? Grandma and SO are so very much in denial. From your brief statements here, it's obvious these kind of "issues" run in your family. Grandma is "old school". "Back then" many believed that mental illness was a personal failure. That could not be further from the truth. SO is probably of the "old world" mindset with is very similar to "old school" Plus, he's a man, and the have much more difficulty than we women with accepting there is "something wrong" with our kids.

    Pretty much no such thing here. The only limit on what to share is what YOU feel comfortable with, and personally identifiable stuff. This is a public board, and you wouldn't want something posted on a support board coming back to haunt you in real life.

    As to your questions, yes, make an appointment ASAP for an evaluation. Your friend threw out the diagnosis of the decade. Most of us don't like the ODD diagnosis around here. It doesn't' tell WHY the child is acting out. Usually there is a good identifiable reason for the acting out, and once that is found and addressed, the acting out subsides. (wish I could say it goes away :( )

    A comprehensive evaluation should get you some answers. Most here recommend a neuropsychologist. I wasn't lucky enough to have insurance pay for that, so I've had diagnosis pieced together by psychologists, psychiatrists, OTs and SLPs. The trick is not to stop until it "feels right" If you get a diagnosis that just doesn't sit right with you, you need to keep looking.
  3. mama2three

    mama2three New Member

    Thats' what I thought about the ODD thing too. After visiting here, I googled it and researched. (I like to know what i'm talking about esp. at a doctor appointment.) I just hope I get some answers here. After finally myself finally accepting that there is "something" not quite right with Rae I feel awful. :( Last night I just cuddled her as close as I could. She sleeps with me because she says she is scared and there were really bad thunderstorms last night. It felt like for a night I had my babygirl back. Before all this started. But, now that I am thinking back even as a newborn she was funny about certain things. She could not stand to be touched/rocked/soothed when she was tired? I just thought then that was just her.

    I'm calling this after noon the pedi. I hope we can get her in. She is not due for a well child check untill August. And Medicaid is funny about that kinda stuff. Should I just call and say she is having behavior issues and I need to talk to the doctor?
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    Yes. Sh'es only 3 so you might get some run-around even from a doctor. You need to be firm and adamant. Luckily you do have an older child so you cna very clearly state that DS1 did NOT have such issues and you are quite certain something is "wrong" AND there is diagnosed mental illness on the family tree (your bipolar cousin)

    And about ODD. doctors seem to like it as a diagnosis. I wouldn't waste too much time arguing with them if they give it. Just keep looking. I just advised another poster to keep looking for a diagnosis until it "feels right" A diagnosis doesn't have to be just one thing. It could be many things and until it all seems to make sense to you, it's worth it to keep looking.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    You are on the right track, my friend! sometimes grandparents feel desperate not to have something wrong with these kids they love so desperately and they just miss that they are not being helpful at all....

    Your friend sounds right on except that being in the mental health field they tend to stick to the DSM diagnosis that they can readily understand....that is ODD, but again what good does that do you??? So you mean when I told you my kid was acting oppositional and not following directions they get a diagnosis of oppositional and defiant?? OK fine, but ...??????????

    Sometimes if they can't find another diagnosis that will do to at least get you some doctors and therapists and insurance will pay so in that sense people here will call it a "place holder' till you find out what is really going on.

    Another reason to make the appointments now?? You may not get in very soon... you will still have plenty of time to make notes, take video or whatever you feel is needed. The sooner the better, and be prepared for it just to be the start because I bet most of us here have had evaluations that just do not feel right. One time my son screamed thru a whole evaluation. They gave him a bunch of new diagnosis. guess what I found out at 10 pm that night? IT was the one and only time he had double ear infections and spiked a fever! Stuff happens.

    A genuine diagnosis really takes a long time knowing a child. I totally trust my neuro and pediatrician. now because they have known my son, seen him in the good times and the bad and know his potential. They have known him since he was 2 and is 15. If you find a great doctor along the way, stick with them!

    So not fair that along with the daily demands of our kids we have to deal with the reactions or lack of reactions (or support) from others in the world. It is quite a character building journey. That is how I am choosing to put a positive spin on this. Take care, trust that mommy gut.
  6. mama2three

    mama2three New Member

    Again thank you ladies so much! Now I know what I will be faced with going into the pedi. I used to be like well alright lets just wait and see. This time I am not. I learned that from my youngest son. He had a whilwind of feeding/health issues as a newborn and the docs didn't believe me because he was still gaining weight very slowly but still gaining.Untill the day I held off feeding him untill we got to the pedi and he vomited all over the doctor. Then they sent us to GI. Geez why do docs have to be so difficult? Aren't they the ones who are supposed to think of the things we don't!?
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Those poor docs. They face almost as much as parents do, in terms of not being understood.
    They have three kinds of patients:
    1) cases they can figure out
    2) nut cases
    3) super-complex cases that don't make sense

    Trouble is, they use THAT order... instead of swapping 2 & 3.
    But... THEY get in trouble if they are sending nut-cases to specialists... so... what's a poor MD supposed to do?

    Knowledge is power. You did it right with that feeding issue... somehow, we have to prove we're option 3 and not option 2.

    Warrior Mom armour time...
  8. mama2three

    mama2three New Member

    HA That made me smile. You seem to be right about the order thing. But, when I mentioned at her 2y/o check up that I thought was having difficulties I was dismissed with out a second thought.

    I can't imangine what some of the Docs do go through... It would drive me nuts if I couldn't figure something out!
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Mama... I was arguing with the PCP from the time difficult child was 12 months old. Never "missed" a milestone, but... to hit every one of them within days of missing? EVERY one of them? That just CAN'T be normal. Nope. I'm just an over-reactive parent.

    Fast-forward a dozen years and more... and I'm right. Have report to prove it.

    Having said that... I sure am not doctor bashing. We need them. Rely on them. And... really, REALLY appreciate the ones who treat parents as partners.
  10. mama2three

    mama2three New Member

    LOL you made me laugh!! I know how that can be with my youngest DS. He has such bad acid reflux and they wouldn't believe me because he was gaining at a consistant rate. Untill my AJ had puked all over the doctor. It took that much! lol