Rough Couple of Days....
- Thread starter DaisyFace
- Start date
-
- Tags
- aggressive child
I'll second this approach - for us, turned out K1 didn't like getting nicked by "sharps", so hated doing dishes - but he was willing to volunteer for recycling and garbage duty... and K2 HATES those two jobs, so... we turned outright refusal (with both kids) into reasonable compliance. (come on - does anybody get 100% compliance??)
A few years later... we could re-negotiate again.
exhausted
Active Member
This is tough- being the bad guy. I get it because I am that guy- mostly because I was with the kids more. But it was much easier after the law was laid down. In my house we do negotiate some chores. Others are there because we just have to do **** we don't like. Noone eats until chores are done and that is how it has been for years. Dishes are no big deal to me-laudry, toilets,vacuuming and garbage, are big deals. It works here because people are hungry!
Hang in-the exstinction burst is like death when we switch up our game-they get worse before they take you for real.
Hang in-the exstinction burst is like death when we switch up our game-they get worse before they take you for real.
I appreciate the suggestions...
Some of these we have tried, such as negotiating what chores should belong to difficult child. difficult child, naturally, feels that NO chores should be her responsibility and that somehow, being asked to do anything at all is unfair and an example of how cruel and abusive Mom and Dad can be.
At one point, we had a problem with all the bathroom towels disappearing into difficult child's bedroom. She would use a towel, throw it on the floor and then get a fresh towel next time she needed one. The wet, dirty towels never made it to the laundry...and would sit under difficult child's bed and get mildewed. After I found one of my best towels mildewed under her bed - I had enough! I went out and purchased all new towels for everyone...I got nice, plush towels for the master bath and inexpensive Wally-World towels for the kids - a different color for each child. difficult child still does not take care of her towels...but that's become her problem.
The theory behind "each person doing their own dishes", I suppose, is that each person is responsible for their own mess - and because no one wants to eat off a dirty dish, that is motivation for cleaning up.
I have learned these many years that difficult child does not care about being dirty. She does not care if she goes weeks without showering or washing her hair. She goes days and days without changing her socks or underwear. And once, when she had a nosebleed in the middle of the night, she did not bother changing the pillowcase. She didn't even flip the pillow over! - but went for an entire week sleeping on a blood-encrusted sheet. It was absolutely disgusting!!!
My decision regarding the dishes is a choice for my own sanity. I do not want to wait for difficult child to finally "get" that something is dirty. I choose not to be subject to her passive-aggressive game playing (ya know, where she pours an entire bottle of dish soap down the drain, runs the hot water full blast for an hour and then claims we 'ran out' of hot water, 'accidentally' dropping and breaking the dishes, 'accidentally' flooding the kitchen floor) and then being stuck cleaning up the kitchen later anyway.
My rationale is that if difficult child chooses to behave like a toddler - she can have the priviledges of a toddler. She has no cell phone, no computer priviledges, no after school activities, no allowance - nothing.
If she would like to be treated better - she can "do to get".
Some of these we have tried, such as negotiating what chores should belong to difficult child. difficult child, naturally, feels that NO chores should be her responsibility and that somehow, being asked to do anything at all is unfair and an example of how cruel and abusive Mom and Dad can be.
At one point, we had a problem with all the bathroom towels disappearing into difficult child's bedroom. She would use a towel, throw it on the floor and then get a fresh towel next time she needed one. The wet, dirty towels never made it to the laundry...and would sit under difficult child's bed and get mildewed. After I found one of my best towels mildewed under her bed - I had enough! I went out and purchased all new towels for everyone...I got nice, plush towels for the master bath and inexpensive Wally-World towels for the kids - a different color for each child. difficult child still does not take care of her towels...but that's become her problem.
The theory behind "each person doing their own dishes", I suppose, is that each person is responsible for their own mess - and because no one wants to eat off a dirty dish, that is motivation for cleaning up.
I have learned these many years that difficult child does not care about being dirty. She does not care if she goes weeks without showering or washing her hair. She goes days and days without changing her socks or underwear. And once, when she had a nosebleed in the middle of the night, she did not bother changing the pillowcase. She didn't even flip the pillow over! - but went for an entire week sleeping on a blood-encrusted sheet. It was absolutely disgusting!!!
My decision regarding the dishes is a choice for my own sanity. I do not want to wait for difficult child to finally "get" that something is dirty. I choose not to be subject to her passive-aggressive game playing (ya know, where she pours an entire bottle of dish soap down the drain, runs the hot water full blast for an hour and then claims we 'ran out' of hot water, 'accidentally' dropping and breaking the dishes, 'accidentally' flooding the kitchen floor) and then being stuck cleaning up the kitchen later anyway.
My rationale is that if difficult child chooses to behave like a toddler - she can have the priviledges of a toddler. She has no cell phone, no computer priviledges, no after school activities, no allowance - nothing.
If she would like to be treated better - she can "do to get".
I like the love and logic approach to this. The job of dishes is difficult children. If they are not done, then someone is hired at $7 per hour (or whatever is reasonable) to come and do them. If difficult child has not got the money, then mom and dad take something of hers (cell phone, ipod, tv, game system, even clothes) to pawn shop or consignment shop. difficult child can get the item back if she has the money to pay for them. If not, she must do without.
difficult child may get angry and take or destroy something of moms and dads in retaliation. This is destruction of private property or stealing and is handled with a call to the cops and pressing charges against her. It is PERFECTLY LEGAL for a parent to take or sell something of a child's, even a teen childs, for almost any reason, while it is never allowed for the teen to return the favor. It isn't easy to follow through, and do NOT start if you will not press charges and insist that something be done. But it DOES work.
I took a Love and Logic seminar and as Dr. Fay Sr was describing this a guy commented loudly, "OMG! THAT is why she did that!!" Turns out he was a gym teacher and as a teen his mother had been to a L&L seminar and learned this. She did it with him and it really made him rethink some things. One time wasn't enough, but after doing it a couple of times he got the point and stopped taking her stuff and if he wanted to keep something he did his chores.
You may even have to go buy something really cool that she will just LOVE so that you can take it away and pawn it. It will be a bit frustrating but will give you mega leverage. That new wii or ipod or whatever that you can afford that she will enjoy youwill then take away (with NO advance warning of if you don't do your chores we will take this away - that defeats everything. You WANT the shock value as a fast attention getter. She already knows she is supposed to do the chores and that if she doesn't someone else will have to and she knows that she isn't allowed to take/damage your stuff. Don't keep telliing her this - just irritates both of you!)
I have to say it works. Just don't pay one of your other kids to do it. Pay yourself if you don't want a stranger to come in.
This is classic L&L, as is the NOT telling a child teh consequences and rules over and over. Kids know that the rules are the rules. they know that they are allowed this and not that. They will say otherwise but to believe them demeans both of you.
difficult child may get angry and take or destroy something of moms and dads in retaliation. This is destruction of private property or stealing and is handled with a call to the cops and pressing charges against her. It is PERFECTLY LEGAL for a parent to take or sell something of a child's, even a teen childs, for almost any reason, while it is never allowed for the teen to return the favor. It isn't easy to follow through, and do NOT start if you will not press charges and insist that something be done. But it DOES work.
I took a Love and Logic seminar and as Dr. Fay Sr was describing this a guy commented loudly, "OMG! THAT is why she did that!!" Turns out he was a gym teacher and as a teen his mother had been to a L&L seminar and learned this. She did it with him and it really made him rethink some things. One time wasn't enough, but after doing it a couple of times he got the point and stopped taking her stuff and if he wanted to keep something he did his chores.
You may even have to go buy something really cool that she will just LOVE so that you can take it away and pawn it. It will be a bit frustrating but will give you mega leverage. That new wii or ipod or whatever that you can afford that she will enjoy youwill then take away (with NO advance warning of if you don't do your chores we will take this away - that defeats everything. You WANT the shock value as a fast attention getter. She already knows she is supposed to do the chores and that if she doesn't someone else will have to and she knows that she isn't allowed to take/damage your stuff. Don't keep telliing her this - just irritates both of you!)
I have to say it works. Just don't pay one of your other kids to do it. Pay yourself if you don't want a stranger to come in.
This is classic L&L, as is the NOT telling a child teh consequences and rules over and over. Kids know that the rules are the rules. they know that they are allowed this and not that. They will say otherwise but to believe them demeans both of you.
Susie--
I know that you have recommended making a difficult child pay for someone to do their chores by pawning their things many times on this board....and I do think it is a novel idea.
I have not tried that because it feeds too much into difficult child's self-image of an abused child with cold, cruel parents.
Right now, difficult child loves to tell people "O poor me! My parents refuse to buy ____________________."
You would be AMAZED at the well-meaning folks who well step forward to provide that item for difficult child! This year alone, difficult child was able to get a teacher to buy school supplies for her (nevermind that I had a stockpile of things I had gotten on sale just waiting and ready to use!), almost a whole wardrobe from a friend's Mom (including lingerie!), a new radio, a scientific calculator, tons of food...and the list goes on.
I fear that anything I might pawn just becomes another chapter in the "O Poor Me!" sob story that difficult child tells everyone. Let's say I pawn the new radio. O poor me! My parents took away my radio! And next thing you know....difficult child comes home with an even bigger and better radio from yet another well-meaning person.
So rather than lesson learned, it becomes another exercise in scamming a way around the parents.
I know that you have recommended making a difficult child pay for someone to do their chores by pawning their things many times on this board....and I do think it is a novel idea.
I have not tried that because it feeds too much into difficult child's self-image of an abused child with cold, cruel parents.
Right now, difficult child loves to tell people "O poor me! My parents refuse to buy ____________________."
You would be AMAZED at the well-meaning folks who well step forward to provide that item for difficult child! This year alone, difficult child was able to get a teacher to buy school supplies for her (nevermind that I had a stockpile of things I had gotten on sale just waiting and ready to use!), almost a whole wardrobe from a friend's Mom (including lingerie!), a new radio, a scientific calculator, tons of food...and the list goes on.
I fear that anything I might pawn just becomes another chapter in the "O Poor Me!" sob story that difficult child tells everyone. Let's say I pawn the new radio. O poor me! My parents took away my radio! And next thing you know....difficult child comes home with an even bigger and better radio from yet another well-meaning person.
So rather than lesson learned, it becomes another exercise in scamming a way around the parents.
Aint THAT the truth?
