rough evening...

[ksm]

Our 14yo drama queen difficult child has been especially dramatic this evening. I am not even sure what brought it on. But it culminated with her thinking my casserole (Trisha Yearwood's Baked Spaghetti) was awful. While it was baking she kept saying, "what smells like dog **** in here?" "Does someone have dog **** on their shoes?" I explained that maybe the parmesean cheese smelled a little stronger than usual (she likes parmesean cheese!) as I bought the shaved kind and not the powdered stuff in a jar.

She proceeded to make a scene at the table, then went on a tirade about everything. Then complained that she was sick of living in a "G" rated household. Huh? Since when is that a bad thing? Then complained that she never got to spend the night with friends... (she did twice this last week) then complained well, those are just the friends we know, and why can't she spend the night with who ever she wants with out us knowing who they are and having to talk to their parents?

I wrote her a long letter (as I can't say two words with out her yelling "discussion over!" or that I never listen to her... and basically told her we weren't going to lower our expectations to her level. She was going to have to rise to our expectations or suffer the consequences.


I am battle worn... but standing my ground. How stupid does she think I am? She keeps saying, but you never raised a teen age girl before... this is all typical behavior. No it isn't. She knows it is over the top and admits that when she gets in a rage she says and does things that she can't control and sometimes can't remember. We see the therapist on Thursday and I told her I was going to to let her know what was really going on - since she won't be honest with her. KSM

 

[Wiped Out]

First off hugs. I have had many a night like that with my easy child/difficult child. She used to get so upset that I said I needed to talk to parents. She sometimes wouldn't even go. The stress of living with a teenage difficult child girl is amazing. Sounds like you handled things really well!

 

[Bunny]

I think that you handled the evening pretty well. You stood your ground and you made her aware that she needs to rise to your expectations and that you will not lower yourself to hers. You didn't lose your cool with her. Frustrating? Absolutely, but you handled it like a true warrior mom! Good for you!!

 

[TerryJ2]

Arrgh. What a mess. Sounds similar to my difficult child. Except that we would have had him leave the table, just so we could eat in peace. Great way to ruin a meal.
So sorry.
Glad you didn't lose it!

 

[recoveringenabler]

You are a Warrior Mom! That sounds exhausting. You handled it well and I know how it wears you out! (((((((HUGS))))))))

 

[ksm]

shucks... just found out her therapy appointment is this afternoon instead of Thursday when I am off work. husband can take her - but he never talks to the therapist or gets any feedback from the therapist after the appointment. I am trying to get off my job for it - but not sure I can. She needs to know things that difficult child doesn't tell her. KSM

 

[Bunny]

She needs to know things that difficult child doesn't tell her. KSM

Can you e-mail the therapist prior to the appointment so that she knows that you thinks she needs to know? I do this all the time with our therapist and it's a great way to let him know things that I can't or don't want to say in front of difficult child.

 

[ksm]

I got to go to the therapy appointment and husband went along with us. We spent the whole hour talking. Unfortunately, difficult child sat there most the time and would not respond much, or gave a lot of attitude. But, now that we are home, difficult child is being super nice, made me a treat and has been especially pleasant. Go figure! KSM

ps - by the end of the hour, the therapist talked about all the pain difficult child feels due to the situation with bio mom... like a black hole of pain and anger - and she lashes out to show how much pain she is feeling. I get it - but it seems like she is a bottomless pit, you can't love her enough for her to feel good about herself...

 

[svengandhi]

Not for nothing, but Parmesan cheese DOES smell like doggy by-product, lol! In my house, we call it stinky feet cheese and I can't even bear to have near my food.

On another note, I like your approach of writing her a letter. Might I suggest keeping a copy of it so you can show the therapist in case she claims you threatened her in it.

 

[Hound dog]

ksm

Reminds me of classic borderline behavior, and that is saying something as I don't know the back story..........I just recognize the arguments and such to some degree, especially the raging and then not remembering what she did/said. My Nichole did that. For a longish time I thought the not remembering was an act......I can't recall now what convinced me she really couldn't remember on her own.......but I finally would wait until she was calm and then I'd walk her through the "conversation" again...when she'd say she didn't remember......I'd ask her what she remembered happening at that moment. It was interesting to get her version, as with bordline they tend to have a warped sense of reality going on. Doing this let me go over it again with what really happened.......and over time, she slowly began to see that when she was angry and raged her perceptions of what was going on often had nothing to do with what was really being said and done.

I also made a deal with her therapist (actually it was the only way I'd let her see one, and you DO have this right although they'll try to tell you that you don't) that I sat in on sessions. Now I knew if I sat in on the whole thing we'd get nowhere fast (cuz who is honest with mom around) so therapist and I agreed that she got Nichole alone for the first half hour, I was not privy to what went on during that time unless therapist thought it important I know. The last half hour I sat in on and filled the therapist in on what had happened since the last appointment......which let me fill her in on things Nichole didn't think to tell her or she wanted to leave out. It gave the therapist a much more realistic view of what was really going on in much more depth than she would've had otherwise. And it worked wonderfully for Nichole, she progressed very well that way.

Like I said, I don't know the background, but if you haven't read up on borderline......you might want to see if it rings familiar with difficult child's behavior.

And for the record........I love Parmesan cheese, but think it smells like someone tossed their cookies. LOL

Hugs