Rough night

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Sep 5, 2008.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well after a terrific week at school and several weeks of relatively good behavior difficult child has ended up at crisis respite for the night.

    difficult child came with husband and me to the grocery store. He was all over husband-and then started elbowing him at one point when he could not get what he wanted. We told that meant "Stop the World". Of course, he argued, no it wasn't, he was still going to eat dessert, etc...

    He didn't like that we wouldn't change our mind. He purposefully "bumped" into me. Then when we were walking to the car I told husband to watch difficult child, that I could tell he was looking around to see if anyone was watching (very deliberate tonight-it isn't always so). When I was putting groceries into the trunk he pushed the trunk down. It did hurt even though he didn't slam it on me.

    Once we told him it was crisis respite he said it was an accident. husband told difficult child no it wasn't. difficult child then said he was going to runaway-walked a few cars away. Then he came and started kicking and pounding on the car. I thought at one point he was going to break the side view mirror. It took a long time-probably 20 minutes or more before he finally got him in the car.

    By the time we got him to crisis respite-this time it was about 30-35 miles away, he was sleeping. It is so hard to do this but we know this is what is needed. Poor husband, he actually had tears tonight. He blamed himself, said he should have gone to the store by himself. I said no, that we can't always know how difficult child will be-he has been doing better and there was no way to predict.

    Right now, I'm feeling exhausted. It's been a long week at work and now this tonight. My back is fine exept every so often I get a flash of pain.

    I'm hoping he'll get right back on track tomorrow when he comes home. Sigh...
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!


    I'm so sorry he escalated like that! You know you are doing the right thing by consistently enforcing the rules. It IS exhausting trying to cope with the emotional rollercoaster they put us through. Hope your back feels better and that when he comes home he's back on track and ready for another good week.

  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry. It really stinks when they push us with their behaviors like that. I hope that he didn't cause any lasting damage when he shut the trunk on you. I would have been so angry - you should be really proud that you kept your cool and enforced the rules.

    All you really can do is to keep being consistent. You and husband are doing a great job at that. I know it hurts your hearts to deal with all of the behaviors.

    Many hugs,
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hope your back feels better soon...sending lots of hugs.
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm so sorry. :(

    Take some advil for the back. You'll most definitely be feeling it Saturday. Ice pack might help, too.
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sheesh, Not as an excuse but an explanation could be that holding it together for the week of school may have been so much work that he let loose.
    Hopefully a good nights sleep will do a lot of good for him to gather himself.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Sorry this happened after the positive week difficult child had. Fran has a good thought - I know that my difficult child used to have these issues when he was younger; holding it together in school all day was tough - when I picked him up from school he needed quiet and home. No errands or anything, just chill time. Your difficult child just had his first week of middle school. I'm sure his insides were on fire this week.

    Not making excuses for him. I totally understand that we have to live our lives and can't have the world revolve around our difficult child.

    You and husband did the right thing. Holding him to the rules is the absolute best thing you can do for him!! I can imagine it is very difficult. I hope you are not hurt and I hope he is very remorseful of hurting his mom when he returns.

    Hugs my friend,
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sharon I'm so sorry. We've had similar days like this and it does bring teas to your eyes. One thing I wants to say is that looking back on those earlier years I always followed through with consequences and while I still think that was the right thing to do most of the time, there were some times when I think I should have backed down. difficult child has not learned how to do that and I blame myself for not modeling it. At the time I thought it was more important to be consistent to a fault than not follow through and let her think I would give in. All it did was make her learn how not to give up a fight.

    I'm not saying you should have backed down at all. Just a thought as I was reading and knowing how many times we had the same kind of situation here. Perhaps look for smaller areas where you can back down and explain to him that it was because he got in control of himself.

  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry, Sharon. You sure didn't need this on top of everything else you have on your shoulders right now.

    This sounds like he had a long week (as you did too, I'm sure), then he was excited about it being Friday and lost self-control. I'm wondering if this is happening a lot when he's excitied about things- like when he's happy, excited, giddy, he just doesn't handle it appropriately (maybe this is when he keeps wanting more toys, priviledges, attention, etc) and plows down the road that ends him in trouble? Do you see any pattern with it? Does he get excited over appropriate things but lose control every time he's excited? Just curious- I'm no psychiatric you know!
  10. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Sorry! I hope the respite helps.

    husband should not feel guilty. It is always easy to say afterwards what we would have done to avoid problems but the reality is that we can't anticipate everything that might cause a problem. For difficult children to survive in the world, it is important that they learn to cope with stressors as the world is full of them. We try to prevent the obvious triggers but to make progress, difficult children need to work through day-to-day issues as they arrise.

    You are doing a great job!
  11. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am sorry! You did the right thing - you have clear cut criteria of when this will happen. If you did not follow through this time, it would have confused that criteria.

    I have a feeling that he will learn from this one. When he returns, you may want to sit down with him and discuss every step that led up to Stop the World. How was he feeling after school, how did he feel about going shopping, what did he think would have been a more appropriate reaction to the events during the shopping?

    If he says he did not want to go shopping than talk to him about doing things you do not want to do. He is old enough to behave appropriatly while doing something he doesn't like.

    I also have to bring difficult child home immediately from school for down time. It is difficult at times since most of my shopping is in the end of town that the school is at and we live in the opposite end of town. There are times though that he just has to hang in there for an extra 1/2 hr while we do an errand. I than tell him that I know he really wants to go home but we do have to do this first. Then I am on edge for innappropriate behavior because my difficult child will purposly misbehave trying to get me to be so distracted with him that it makes me leave.

    Let us know how respite went.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I am so sorry, Sharon.
    My husband was in tears when we took difficult child to the psychiatric hospital, too. It's so hard not to blame yourself. And hard not to worry about the kids when they're there. Even though they're g'sfg, they're still kids. :(
    What sort of respite program did you take him to?
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending many hugs. I know how hard this is for you and husband. Just know you are doing the right thing, and keep the hope.
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you everyone for your support. difficult child came back this morning around 11. He has been quite hyper and bothering at times but nothing physical. My back is fine.

    I do think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he was tired from trying to hold it together all week at school. husband and I tried to convince difficult child to stay home as it was only going to be a short trip to the grocery store and he has stayed home for short intervals-easy child was home but upstairs and they were not bothering each other but... he really wanted to come and seemed in a good mood so we decided to let him.

    They said he cried for about 1/2 hour last night at respite-it was a home with a mother and father who take in foster and respite kiddos. By the time we got there this morning he seemed fine. Hopefully he will learn that we just won't tolerate the physical stuff any more.

    We did try to explain to him that had he just stopped at "stop the world" he would have gone home and probably fell right asleep anyways as it was almost his bed time anyways. I'm not sure he understood or accepted that explanation.

    Again, thank you for all of your support-I really don't know what I would do without you.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Sounds like a combo of being tired form holding it together all week, and maybe seeing if you and husband would be consistant about the violence. (thinking the deliberate looking to see if anyone was watching)

    Since difficult child was in a good mood husband had no way of predicting he would soon crumble. Both of you handled it well, though I know sending him to respite wasn't easy.

  16. ML

    ML Guest

    Good nights sleep for everyone sounds good. Great job on the consistency. I'm sorry it's so exhausting. I hope your back feels better soon.