Rough night

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 2ODD, Apr 11, 2011.

  1. 2ODD

    2ODD New Member

    Another rough night for the books.

    husband had an explosion in the driveway because my 6 year old didn't want to put on his seatbelt because he wanted to sit in a different seat in the van. There's my husband screaming in the driveway at the top of his lungs. Took my son out of the van and drove away. He was calm when he returned.

    I fell asleep at 9. I woke to the sound of breaking glass and screaming. My 9 year old (bipolar/ODD) are going at it. I still don't know what happened. I flew down the stairs to the screaming. My husband is sweeping up glass and they were screaming at one another. Something about food. Then, all of a sudden, there was silence. After a while my husband turns to me and says"Are you just gonna stand there like a **** or are you going to send him to his room?"

    honestly, I didn't know what to do. I was dumbfounded for a minute then I told him that I have no idea what is going on. So my husband walks over to my son and screams in his face to get the **** in to his room.

    My son goes to his room and my husband comes over to me and starts screaming in my face what went on. Like I said, I still have no idea. While he is screaming in my face, my son opens his door and throws a plastic cup at my husband.

    That really set him off!! He struck the hulk pose and started growling as he walked to my sons room. I chased after him and managed to get my arms around his shoulders to try to pull him away from the doorway. I was yelling for him to back away and go somewhere until he calms down. He yelled at me that he was calm. I kept pulling and told him that if he didn't I was calling the police.

    He walked away from the door and screamed at ne that if I don't let him start disciplining him the way that he thinks he should be disciplined, my son will end up in juvie hall.

    I told him that if he keeps acting this way, we are headed toward a full blown personality disorder.

    My husband asked what I expect of him and I told him that I expect him to learn about the problem and start dealing with it the way that it needs to be dealt with. He told me that I'm full of ****.

    To make a long story short, it ended up with my husband walking out of the house and my son falling asleep.

    My husband came back an hour later and is now sitting downstairs because I'm in the bed....and here I sit.

    Tomorrow I am going to make some calls. Gather up my resources and start making moves.

    It's only been 8 days since the last time my husband flipped out and it's been twice in one day.

    Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You poor darling. He definitely is not handling this the right way. What is it about guys that some of them feel that the only valid way to parent, is to be the bigger, tougher, louder voice? i have no doubt he believes you are undermining hi as a parent, and that he really does feel that this is the right way for him to behave.

    If he can't work with you, you need to make it clear that he needs to stay right out of it entirely. He sounds like he's allowing his own frustrations to be his driving force. Not cool. And not helpful or effective in any way.

    Hugs, hon. Call the cops if you have to. Maybe call ahead now and ask their advice, in the vent of a recurrence.

  3. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    This is very hard. When a parent cannot control their emotions, it makes these children very anxious and even more oppositional (to state the obvious). And you are stuck in the middle... Your response to your husband was excellent (no way I would have been able to come up with such a clear-headed answer in the middle of all that stress) - you expect him to understand the problem and for him to learn how to deal with it. It sounds like he cannot or will not.
    What are your options?
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I just went back and read all your other posts. My husband is home today (rostered day off). I wish you could have a husband like mine. He also has had a hot temper issue, but knows he needs to work on it and does. He is also an active (although fairly silent) member of this forum.

    I just talked to husband about your situation. He said that your husband sounds like he has his own mental health issues and if he doesn't get it, you need to get yourself and your children to safety. I said you already had a bag packed and some papers stashed, he asked what was keeping you there. I said, you're probably waiting for things to come together for you - have to have somewhere to go, for example.

    But he is right, in my mind. You need to get yourself to somewhere safe. I explained to my husband about the need to plan an exit properly so you can stay exited. He is worried for you.

    i just thought I would share that - a bloke's perspective. So it's not just other women telling you that you need to make yourself and your children safe.

    There is always the chance that your husband will realise how much you all mean to him, and take your departure as a sign that he needs to make some changes in his attitude. Leaving doesn't mean that it's automatic divorce. But you do owe it to your children to give them security and safety. They also need to see their mother being respected. it is very bad for children to see disrespect allowed to happen towards either of their parents. It also teaches the kids to treat those same parents with contempt - a bad habit that is very difficult to break.

    Your husband sounds very insecure in his controlling ways. Sad, really - because if he could only relax a little he would realise that if you have to assert control over someone in order to keep them with you, you have already lost them.

    I think it was Erich Segal (author of "Love Story" who said, "If you love something, set it free. if it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't come back to you, it never was yours."

    Stay safe.

  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think you know what to do. You've made plans or at least laid the grounwork. It must be very frightening for you and the children but my gut tells me that no matter how difficult it becomes you are smart enough and strong enough to take the steps that are necessary to guarantee a safe environment. Sending supportive thoughts, hugs and prayers. DDD

    by the way, although I don't want to heighten your anxiety, many years ago we had a new CD family member in a similiar situation. Her volatile husband discovered her computer postings and it was not pretty. Please make sure you are protected from that happening. Use us for support as often as you can but husbands like yours usually want their spouse to be totally isolated.
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    My husband has major hothead issues, too. Or at least, he used to. Not so much as he got older. But there were many times we had nights just like yours. My husband is of the same thinking - discipline must come from a loud voice, me he-man kinda thing. But, he would never actually hurt any of us. She would just push our buttons to that point - always. And Malika is absolutely correct - it only made her worse. I'm sorry you had a bad night :(
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry that you and your children have to endure this. To put it bluntly, your husband's behavior isn't just setting a bad example. He is inflicting trauma on all of you. You AND the children need to feel safe in your home. Period. That is a basic human right, or it should be. in my opinion it really does not matter what the diagnosis is for your children. As long as they feel scared and are being traumatized by this sort of behavior there is NO chance that they can change their behavior. They, and you, are about 120% likely to have major PTSD from your husband's actions. Until this is addressed you can see all the docs you want, all the tdocs and have all the medications in the world. But the kids will still be terrified all the time and they won't be able to use the tools that they are being given in therapy, from docs and from medications.

    Get your stuff together and take the kids and leave today. If you need help or a place to go, call the local domestic violence hotline. They WILL help you with a place to stay, a restraining order, therapy (usually free whether you stay in their shelter or not) and help figuring everything out.

    Your husband seems about a hair's breadth away from taking the violence out of the screaming realm and into the beating realm. The kids do not need that trauma on top of what they already have. Neither do you.

    I know, firsthand, how scary this is. If husband is home you all wonder every minute if what you are doing or not doing is going to set him off. You worry about if this is the time he is going to start hitting or if he is going to end up putting you or one of the kids in the hospital. When he isn't home you are anxious because you don't know if he is about to walk in the door and what he will do when he does walk in.

    You and the boys deserve MUCH better. Whatever their problems are, however they behave, they still don't deserve this.

    PLEASE call the hotline today and get whatever you MUST get and leave as soon as possible. You can likely order some documents like birth certificates, etc... after you are ogne if you cannot find them very soon.

    Your family is in my prayers for safe passage out of this dangerous situation/relationship and for a healthy new life very soon. Please post as close to daily as possible until you are out and safe so that we know you are relatively okay.

    When you are getting ready to leave and in the process of leaving is the most dangerous time in a relationship. Because of this, if husband is home when you go to leave, sneak away or go into the bathroom and call for a police officer to come and be there to keep the peace as you are leaving. If you toss him out, have a cop there at that time. HAve your cell phone in your pocket at ALL times.

    ((((((((((hugs for you and the boys))))))))))

    I do wonder what he does when you are not home and he is alone with the boys. They may not tell you if he is hurting them because he may threaten to hurt you if they tell or he may convince them it is what they deserve and you know about it and aare okay with it. Either way, if you are going to be there for a week or more then you need to get the boys into counseling ASAP. If either child has a teacher that they really like and can talk to, let them know it is normal to be angry iwth your dad or mom or anyone else if they hurt you. Also let them know that it is OKAY to call 911 if their dad is being verbally abusive or physically violent with them.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your poor little guy, trying to save you by throwing a plastic is sad.

    husband actually seems to have more issues than his son.

    I hope you get out soon. His anger is frightening. Hugs to you and yours.
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    "Escalating" is the word that comes to my mind. I wish it were safer and easier for you to have husband removed from the home than trying to remove yourself, the kids, and the pets. Please keep us as updated as you can on how you're doing, if you have to go there are many places you can jump online and let us know that you're safe.
  10. 2ODD

    2ODD New Member

    Update: I made calls this morning. Arrangements are in motion to get the kids and I out. The dogs will be going to safe temp. homes until we get in to our permanent place.

    We will be going to shelter. I have no choice but to take the kids out because, in this state, any property purchased prior to marriage goes to the spouse that owned it prior to marriage. I have no claim to the house. It really doesn't matter at this point who gets what. We've just got to get out.

    My emergency suitcase is with a friend along with all of the important documents that we need.

    If we have a repeat episode and he won't leave, the police will be called. If he takes our only vehicle leaving us stranded, as he did last night, I have made arrangements for our safe transpiration to the safe house. There's nothing more that I can do. Just doing the best that I can.
  11. 2ODD

    2ODD New Member

    Just to let you know, he is never alone with the kids. I am always here even if in another room. Now, I guess that we are at the point where I can't be in another room. That will end soon with the help of some friends getting us out.
  12. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Wow! Scary!

    Hope you can get out smoothly...
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs. PLEASE, please keep us informed.
  14. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    REALLY good luck... You are doing a very courageous and sane thing for you and your children. Go well.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sending prayers for your safety...keep us up to date!
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You are doing a really wonderful job of taking care of your children and yourself. We are all sending lots of love and support to help you. It is hard to set these kind of things in motion, and it is very understandable for it to take a few days. I really wish there were laws that if a spouse/parent is violent then they lose the rights to the family home and most belongings, because I think it would be better for most kids to be able to stay in the same home. The major drawback to that would be that a violent person would know where they are and being kicked out would most likely make them more vulnerable.

    So while it might be nice to be able to stay in the home, it also would let him knwo where you are and we all know that restraining orders are only good if the restrained person wants to follow them.

    You have accomplished a whole lot, and should be proud of yourself. Taking these steps is so stressful, esp when you have to go stay with people you don't know. You are a truly wonderful Warrior Mom.

    ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and prayers for safe passage.
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in more hugs and sending prayers your way.
  18. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say that hasn't been said before .... more (((hugs)))
  19. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Hoping for a safe outcome, please keep us updated.